Monday, August 17, 2009

In a Funk... but not feeling funky

Well, we are almost 2/3 of the way through the 2009... In a month and a half I'll have been registered in Russia for one year. Oh the innocent optimist I was this time last year giddily waiting for my dossier to be registered in Perm dreaming of maybe traveling before Christmas '08 LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!! I look back over my time line - I started conversations with my home study agency January 2008 and waited for the IA course in March to get things rolling for my home study. All tallied, that's 18 months in process... 2 pregnancies worth of process and pains. I guess that's why I feel worn out and weathered. It's to the point that friends are afraid to ask how things are going or any news... probably because I've started bracing them for the likelihood that this process will undoubtedly push well into 2010. There has been NO indication to hope much less expect any sort of movement from Perm... eggs are being carefully transferred to my awaiting basket in Khabarovsk with a caveat that I won't actually be registered there for another 10 weeks or so (it will take them that long to process / translate / notarize etc the documents). It has taken a ridiculous amount of time to update / approve the addendum of nothingness and get an actual, accurate and mistake free list of documents from my agency. Good thing I learned to proof read... I've caught errors before they got to Russia and caused delays... yet I sit, waiting, behind where I was this time last year and certainly lower in hope and anticipation. His bedroom furniture arrived on my birthday (October) last year... my basement is full of toys, clothes, books, travel gifts, and little boy stuff. I've read books, learned some Russian, researched, learned, listened and asked... Now what? I'm discouraged and don't know quite how I'll make it through to the end. Optimistically, if I'm registered late October, they say "a few months" for referral putting me into 2010, travel Jan / Feb, 4 months between trips, maybe court in June... home next July??? Best case scenario I'll have been in process 31 months. Hmmm... I guess that likely could mean that my son wasn't even born when I started this process... Wow... this is gonna take some endurance. And it's hard... it's hard to watch people in the adoption world who I've become cyber friends with bring home baby after being registered for a few months, or weeks... it's hard to watch others agencies make things happen out of concern that their families have waited for 6 or 7 months for a referral... and I'm almost at 11 and know that it will likely be 15 or 16 months by the time I get a referral of an older toddler boy... and that's not to say that I will be able to accept... There was a time that I would amuse myself with checking my voice mail just in case I got "the call"... now, I can't remember the last time that even crossed my mind. It just seems so far away and remote... I don't even know what to ask anymore... "sometimes I sits and thinks... sometimes I just sits". Will this ever come to the happy ending I visualized so vividly a year ago??? How to I fill another almost year??? Will I ever be able to park in my garage again? What happens if I hate the things I bought for him by then? It used to be fun and exciting to imagine the what ifs... now I feel like the fun police sucked all the joy out of this journey. UGGGG!!! Calgon take me away... :)


Carolynn and Steve said...

Oh, sweetie, I DO understand. It is hard when you've been in this process for so long to see where there is any light at the end of the tunnel. A BIG hug to you--and please know that you are in my heart and prayers!

Barb said...

I totally "get" how you are feeling and how frustrating it is. My SIL and her hubby decided to have a baby 6 months after Stefan and I decided to adopt - the baby was 16½ months old when Sofia came home . . . I really hope you hear something soon. Are you phoning/emailing your agency OFTEN?

Jojo, Julz, Julianne said...

I too got stuck when all agencies were frozen in the reaccreditaton mess, BUT there were some who started after me that moved on (with my agency).It killed me.
I got your email and I am goin to write you a lonnnnngggg response today. Don't worry, you are going to get going soon!

Iraida said...

Sheer up my friend!!!! I know how hard it is, but you HAVE to keep visualizing...everything, all the details. If there is something I learned during my adoption is that everything happens for a reason and that God's timing is ALWAYS perfect. You will be on a plane to Russia one day and back and then, not now, things will make sense.
Big Hug to you!!! Iraida

Trisha, Duane, and Family said...

Hi there...Just want to encourage you to remain persistent as this is how you will be available for "the call". Giving up is the sure way to get nothing. By trying you have increased your odds from 0=not trying to 100%=trying. Persistence pays!!! I know as I have been in just the same mind set on more than one occassion. Please, keep moving forward, by hanging in there for your son!!! Many blessings and prayers for you...Trisha

findingourdaughter said...

Oh I hear you! We are now at 16 months waiting.....when we thought it would be 3-5 months when we started. It is hard and you have to live as if nothing is going on....and then in one day....that all will change and I know we will not be ready, just because there is no warning or time table to judge. It is a very hard place in the unknown wait.
Prayers and blessings to you!