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Saturday, August 29, 2009

Today was a beautiful day...

11 Years ago: Today was a beautiful day. We laughed, we sang, we celebrated. It was HOTTTT! The sunshine shon down on us as we were surrounded by friends and family and Love. Chuck (our dog who was part of it all) behaved - the goldfish however did not :) I can still remember the first time Scott sent me flowers and they were addressed to me as "Mrs".... my heart skipped a beat. I felt so grown up... I felt so happy... I felt like I had everything in the world I ever wanted in him, in our marriage, and in our dreams of the future. I celebrated that happiness for everything it was... for 8 months... and then the happiest moment of my life with Scott forever became our wedding day. The happiest day wouldn't get the chance to be rivaled by the birth of our children or surprises or accomplishments together... because there were no more happy days to be shared. Scott died beside me in our roll over accident... and my world changed.
There are few days in the year when the memories sting and the "grief monster" returns to make himself known... today is one of them. I've celebrated every one of our anniversaries alone and I don't think I'm getting any better at it :( Today is a quiet day of reflection on who we'd be... what our lives would be like and how much love we would still share. I know he'd want me to be happy and to be loved. I know he'd be proud of me for finding a way to bring this little boy home... I just wish he could be here to share it with. This adoption process has tried my patience and I think sometimes that maybe it's because I think that life "owes me" something good - something easy - something happy... to help even out the odds for what I've endured. then I remember a quote: "Being a good and kind and fair person in this life no more protects you from lifes evils than being a vegitarian protects you from a raging bull". Life owes us nothing but I owe life and myself so much.
So today, I look back and remember the love that we had... and today, I look forward to a love that is still to be. I hope you are up there consulting with God on the little boy who will become my son and how we might be just right for one another... but one small request??? Could you guys hurry???
Miss you Boo... today and always.
Love Kid.

3 comments:

Nancy said...

"Life" . . . what an amazing journey!

A very, very big {{Hug}}!

Nancy

JennStar said...

I'm so saddened for you that you have had to endure such a loss. I don't even have the words, but know that I am praying for God's great love and joy to fill you today!

The Flower said...

Huge kisses Stace. Hang in there. You're an inspiration.