Wednesday, November 11, 2009

I am learning to maybe keep my hopes under wraps until I know for sure but after consult last night with one of the most respected International Adoption physicians my fears were confirmed. Dr. Bledsoe’s opening comment (loaded with the most kind and caring delivery based on heartfelt understanding of the weight and situation) was that, “I am so very very worried about this little boy”. She reviewed mostly his growth charts and told me that they become worried when a child is more than 3 standard deviations from the norm. My babies very best measurements were 3.5 SD from norm and his worst were 4+. She also reviewed the markers for FAS features and while he is adorable he displays features that she considered stereotypical (especially his eyebrows). Her very strong recommendation was to not proceed with going to meet baby R and to wait for a more healthy referral. She told me that there is a 50% + chance that he will not have the capacity to live independently and be severely academically and life challenged. At 19 months he is the size of an average 9 month old child and stopping just short of begging me not to move forward with this referral she offered to do a pre consult for my next referral.

So… I've sat here and had a big old fashioned cry… a cry for a beautiful little boy who I very much wanted to bring home and love back to health and a little boy who will always stay in my heart. In just over 24 hours, I fell in love with his sweet face and somehow was even looking forward to changing diapers… I’ve learned to be patient and rational… even in affairs of the heart. I have the support of my agency in making the right decision for me and they told me that it will not be looked upon negatively by them or the Ministry of Education in Russia as they move forward to find me a healthy little boy. I’ll be fine… my heart breaks for this little boy that I’ll forever wonder if I did the right thing and pray that he will find a family to love him and help him with all of the things his broken little life will need.

I wanted to let you all know now before I had to say it out loud if you called… I sent the email to my SW and she compassionately understood the challenges associated with raising a special needs child as a single mom by choice and told me to take the time to grieve this loss and she'll call me on Thursday. Thanks so very much to everyone for your support, comments, emails and excitement - it's a hard balance. I prematurely shared my excitement and was given the gift of your friendship and celebration and now, although there are big parts of me that wish I could put a lid on my emotions until things are sure... I need you guys now more than before to lean on. So, I guess in the end, it was OK... I got to be deliriously happy if only for a short while. The crashing hurts though... beware of the landing.

I used to like roller coasters.


Anonymous said...

I am so very sorry for you. A very, very difficult situation and decision. I am sure your heart is breaking, but keep going you will be a Mom.

We used Dr. Bledsoe as well and she is wonderful.


amy and kevin said...

I am so sorry... know what you are going through as we had to decline our first referral for the same reasons. It is heartbreaking. This process is definitely a huge rollercoaster and requires us to hang on so tight for so long. You are in my prayers.

Rich and Jolynn said...

Yeap, a roller coaster ride! We too had a referral that we could not travel to meet for the same reasons. I am still surprised by my reaction. I felt so frustrated that I was not equipped to be his Mommy. If we had not gotten his referral we would not have been introduced to our Son. It all makes sense now.

Praying that you hear something soon!

Jojo, Julz, Julianne said...

Oh Stacey,
I am so sorry. I understand. But I am still sorry. I was happy with you for a day, and now sad with you too..Keep sharing, it's part of the up and down of it.
You are really having a tough go of it, but it will make it all the more sweet when you get that little guy of your dreams home with you.
I am hopeful that you will have another referral soon. Take your time with letting this first little guy go, it hurts but you have to do what is best for you. Being a single mom is hard and having a chosen special needs child is not for the faint of heart.
Blessings tonight,

Nancy said...

I am here for you!


JennStar said...

Oh Stacey, I am so sorry that this has turned out as it has. And I completely understand your heart- I regularly think of the little girl we were referred last summer, praying for her future and loving her in my heart even though she is not my daughter. So I know this love that you have for a little boy that entered your heart! Praying for you, my sister in Christ!

Suz said...

I'm just so sorry that you've had this sad news. I know how it feels to have to decline a referral and it breaks your heart into many pieces. You'll never forget him, but do know that when your forever child comes home you can "sort of" grasp the why of it.

Please don't feel bad about sharing your joy in the moment. If anyone knows where you're coming from we do! Please keep sharing.

I hope the time is not long before joy comes again!

David & Jodi said...

I'm sorry you had to make this hard decision. Stay positive.

Lisa said...

I am sorry to hear your sad news. It is such a hard decision.

You have had such a long wait, but I bet it feels at least a little better to see some progress, even if this little boy wasn't a match.

Iraida said...

Big, Big, HUGE hug to you during this difficult time. Know that we understand you made a very conscious decision of what's best for you and the child. He will find the right family.

Praying that you find your forever son soon!


Calico Sky said...

Once again, I'm so sorry you are going through this. I've been through a similar thing (although different circumstances) so understand the grief, take all the time you need, so glad you have a good SW!