Saturday, November 14, 2009

Settling back in

So it's the weekend... thankfully. I have laundry to do, a house to tidy, and breath to catch. PJ's and coffee (with caramel Baileys) is the order of the day. What can I say about this week? How am I doing? Well, in a word - exhausted. In another word - OK. I don't know if I've gotten better over time at dealing with hard life "stuff" or maybe I've somehow learned to be objective and protective of my heart in so many ways. I hurt hard, deep and fast... and then I cope. I figure out the rational details of "things" and then do my best to move forward. Life is interesting... nobody said it wasn't going to be hard... but it's my job to find the beauty in it... so I sit in my PJ's thankful for flannel and for my amazing dog who sat close and licked lots of tears away. But more than being thankful for flannel and my dog, I'm thankful for everyone who emailed and reached out with words of comfort, advice, support and just to commiserate. I didn't take a lot of calls - because I had to figure out what I felt and what I wanted to say... all without the courtesy of a backspace button or time out for random fits of tears. So please don't think it's personal if I didn't pick up the phone. To the ones who decided just to show up on my doorstep to give me a hug... I'm so thankful for you too... silent tears and a hug go together like PB&J. Sometimes there are no words that need to be spoken - a hug says it all. So what now? What is on the horizon? Not sure. I spoke to my SW and maybe in the end I will be able to give some honest feedback on how to make this process better but for now, I take the high silent road. In terms of "how long" - I'm back to the silence and basically the you'll know when you get a call. I'd like to say that I don't think it will be long... but I have no reason to say that other than hope and I'll continue to do that - Hope... it's what I have to hang onto.

In great region news, one family is returning from Khab after meeting their 12 month old girl and my friend and her husband left this morning to meet their 18 month old son. Things are moving there... I have that confidence. So, if I hear nothing from my agency in the next week, I'll hear from my friend after her journey and maybe have new things to think about if nothing else. And that is that - back to the wait in silence.

Again, thanks for the emails, thoughts, prayers and friendship - you guys make this roller coaster ride bearable. Still hangin' on tight.


amy and kevin said...

I can't wait to see pictures of your nursery - I don't know how you have had any patience, having kid stuff in the garage. Guess since we're forced to have patience waiting for our cupcake, I have NO patience in any other area :) When I work on the nursery I feel like I'm making "progress", and it has made my Mommy goal seem more real. Of course, I am already Mommy to 2 dogs! I know others have found it depressing to have an empty nursery, but I have found it to be very comforting. Come what may, there WILL someday be my daughter in there! I hope starting on your little one's room will help fill the void.

Mary Carmen said...

Dont give up! Its a large way, but we have an end