Friday, November 20, 2009

----------When Helmets aren't enough---------

I am this girl - I have my helmet and training wheels but should have also taken a HUGE dose of gravol and at the very least worn some protective gear for my elbows, knees and most of all heart. I have made some decisions recently in terms of contact with my agency (who I am pretty sure has been on here at least a couple times) so they won't likely be disappointed to hear this. I have come to terms with the fact that calling them serves no purpose other than to rile me up and ultimately make them defensive and mad. I have run out of sunshine and skittles in my endurance in this journey and all that is left is determination, grit and fumes... which come out in frustration. We don't see eye to eye on things - they indicate they are doing everything they can... I see a program director running 2 programs on a part time schedule. I don't understand why it took so long to offer options to families registered in regions that they knew were not going to have children available but those changes take time from a program development and relationship stand point and peraps there needed to be more staff to make that happen. I am frustrated at the time this is taking and the lack of proactive communication and the difficulty gettting live contact with my social worker at the times she is scheduled to be in the office. They see a challenging and changing environment in Russia causing the delays. I see other Canadian agencies bringing home healthy infants and children in under a year operating within that same environment. I see clear communications regarding what I can handle as a parent and I also see that perhaps my agency doesn't quite understand what healthy means to me. They see an increasingly impatient, difficult, demanding, curt, frustrated PAP, I see 14 months of waiting (22 in total) for a boy older than most people are hoping for go by and wonder what else anyone would expect? Pregnant women are "allowed" to get cranky as they get bigger and more uncomfortable... and so I am exercising that same feeling. This is getting bigger and more uncomfortable, I'm getting more irritable, moody, and can burst into tears at any given moment... so yeah... I'm over due. I'm good and ready to get this over with. I dont' want to talk about it or ask more questions... I just want to hear the doctor say - it's a boy. Welcome home.

Oh yeah, the conversation closed with some potentially hopeful information regarding the urgency to get registerd families matched with children but there is no warm fuzzy "soon" at this point in the game for me. I have started exploring domestic foster adoption options - the knot at the end of this rope might not hold me for much longer.


necgmc said...

Prayers for you as you continue to wait and fume! You are right in saying that some agencies (or a single person in an agency) can slow down even more a long process! Go ahead, vent, and look to your support group for that much needed emotional hug that your heart needs. May God bring you a referral soon! Blessings

Jojo, Julz, Julianne said...

Hang in there!
My agency heard from me often.Quite often. And lots of times I was frantic about hearing another family was moving ahead when I wasn't. It's okay to do this. I didn't care what they thought of me!
I hope you get another referral soon. I know how hard the wait is!

amy and kevin said...

I've found the wait before our first referral to be just fine - we didn't dwell on it. After we declined the first referral, it took 4.5 months to get another and we went CRAZY during that time. Now it's been a month since we lost that referral we accepted and it's been HELL - completely and totally unbearable. It would have been easier emotionally to have waited this long without any referrals. It has become so difficult to live day-to-day and no one really understands at all except those who have unfortunately been in our shoes.

You just have to focus on what is best for YOU! Calling/not calling your agency, paralleling domestic adoption options, whatever helps you get by while trying to keep your sanity is ok. I never call our agency because I'm too afraid to set myself up for disappointment with no new news.

I hope you find a way to have at least a little peace during this pre-child period. I am still searching for it... cuddling with my dogs helps me the most :)

Carolynn and Steve said...

Oh, Sweetie,

I wish that I had words to make this all better--please just know that I understand, and that it is completely ok to vent---that's where you are!
A HUGE BIG hug from me--you're in my heart!


dgporter said...

Following these adoption blogs has helped me a lot in dealing with my emotions during the almost unbearable WAIT. My heart goes out to you at this time. You have so much love to give a child, and he WILL one day be yours...thank you for sharing. I will continue following your story. Blessings...