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Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Paka is a hard word to say

Today was everything... terrifying, white knuckling, mario andretti driving, blowing snow, joyful, sweet, beautiful, enduring, hopeful, enlightening, educational, sickening, disdainful, heartwarming, heartbreaking, sad, thrilling, loving, sad, humbling, empathetic, hard....

I watched again as my little boy became more at ease and comfortable with me.  He started being more of the boy I watched with his groupa when he didn't know I was there.  His laughter is etched on my heart, his million kisses linger on my lips, his smile reamains in my soul and the promise that I will return will echo in the words of a letter the wonderful babushkas promised to read to him in between.  He likes me... seems strange to say but it's the best thing that we PAP's can hope for in a first visit.  He talks more when we are alone - the problem with that is that there is no one there to tell me what he is saying.  The whispers return when others are in the room.  He learned 2 english phrases while we were together - one is functional... "turn it around" in response to either a car or a puzzle piece.  The other I could only dream of but it came true... "give me a kiss"... I have it on video... he did it a million times today.  I also got unsolicited kisses which absolutely melted me.  Saying goodbye - you know it's going to be hard.  We go into adoption knowing the "drill" and that there is a period of time that we will be apart... it's so hard none the less.  Grisha and I were alone in the visiting room and I told him everything I wanted to say - he just looked at me with his huge blue eyes and hugged tight to my shoulder.  One of his caregivers came in and spoke to me in Russian - I understood only "don't cry" "it will be OK" "we love him"... I took him to the front and we stood at the playroom door giving final instructions on disposable cameras and the photo album with my bedtime letter.  They told me that they could tell he already love me - he woke up from his nap today and cried saying "good-yeh mama, mama, mama..." over and over - they told him I would be right back.  Elya told him today as he clung to me that I needed to go home for awhile to get more toys for him... he astutely pointed down to the bottom of the Christmas tree by the door and the 2 boxes that were there and said, "toys there... she doesn't have to go". 
I hate to leave... and can't wait to get back.  I might not have good interenet for the next while so this might be the last for a few days.  I head back on the train tonight to Khabarovsk to have my medical and see the notary tomorrow.  At noon the following day (I think it's the 31st???) I fly out through Moscow to Amsterdam (overnight) and then home on the first. 
Sleeping in my bed will feel amazing... but I'd sleep on this rock hard bed for ever if I had to...
Better get a move on - trains in Russia don't wait. 
SJT

9 comments:

Deb Woodcock said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Deb Woodcock said...

I have said Paka to my children more than a few times and understand only a portion of what you must be feeling. I am so very proud of you and so very anxious to have Grisha home and a part of our family. Now my anxious wait is for you to get home safely. I will see you at the airport. Can't wait to hug you.
Mom

Tracey and Chuck said...

Stacey -
Tears for you....believe me....I am right there with you and totally understand and it is so so hard to leave them behind BUT the light is bright at the end of the tunnel and you will get there very soon as I hope we will too!!! Safe travels to get home safely and fingers crossed for a quick trip back to get your little boy and bring him home for forever!!!

J.J Barnes said...

Stacey, I guess we were not able to slow the time down as I had hoped! LOL. My heart breaks for you and Grisha, the time apart will be hard, but the forever that is to come will be bitter sweet. we will be at the airport full of hugs and ready to hear all the stories and see all the pics and clips...After a good sleep! Safe travels.
Love you
Jerri

Heather said...

Now we will (again) be in the same "waiting club". Just a different sort of a "wait". A much better one.
Can't wait to talk to you when you get back. Once you are settled back in Calgary and have time I'd love to chat. Or perhaps it will work to see you in early January here. I hope so!!!
Heather

Kraller said...

This has been my first chance to access internet and check in on your trip. I am sitting in an Internet cafe in downtown Revelstoke, tears rolling down my face. The Staff are taking quick glances my way - not sure if they are concerned about the tears or wondering if I'm going to do buy more than just a cup of tea!
I am so proud of you. As a Mom, I can relate to all the wonderful feelings of a little boy that truly needs you. This is an amazing journey and I feel some relief, that with all the stress, the most important part of the experience - meeting Grisha - has turned out to be exactly what you wished for. Have a safe journey home. I am home on the 2nd and will get in touch with you then. Love D

Berv said...

Hey Woody! It has been wonderful following your journey. You have so much to look forward to. I'm sure time will go quickly as you make preparations to have your son home with you for good! See you very soon...safe travels!
Love, Berv

terence and carala said...

oh Stacey, I could not imagine saying good-bye to my little boys! But, we know you will have forever with him...so we will be there for you on those tough days when you just want so badly to hold him and have one of his great litle kisses. You've gotten this far...and I know you will make it through until you see him again! We are all so thankful to be a part of your journey to Grisha! To know we will have play dates together excites me so much! We cannot wait to meet this sweet sweet boy of yours and spend time getting to know him. :-)
Take care of yourself..and know we're still praying for you and for Grisha.

your friends,
TCTR

Deb Woodcock said...

I am so glad that you have your blog for us. It is just past 3 AM and I can't sleep so am filling the time re-reading your entries. You are on my mind, in my heart and you and Gregory are in my prayers. This will be such a hard and lonely time for you and loneliness aches. I am happy, excited, concerned and sorry for you. Hurry home, then hurry back.
Wish I could sit with you this evening!
Mom