Monday, February 8, 2010

Rough patch

Most days are filled with the background noise of life or paper shuffling or running to the courier for just one more document and while this one was no different, somehow I managed to squeeze in time to miss you like crazy today.  No particular reason - just do.  I keep playing the scene over and over in my head of us standing at the doorway just before I left you for the last time.  You clung tightly to my shoulder and burried your head in my neck.  I was crying of course and I kept telling you over and over again, "Yah tibya loo blu.. Yah tibya loo blu"... I love you I love you I love you.  I kept thinking that you haven't heard those words enough and I wanted you to remember the strange lady with all the toys and the magic bubbles and how much she wants to be your Mama forever.  Every time I said it, you would kiss me like 15 times... and I'd do it again... You must have kissed me a hundred times as we stood at the door.  I knew I was only moments from driving away and leaving you behind... it hurt... but I knew it was coming.  I wasn't worried for me - I was sad for you - not understanding the grown up world and the rules that we have to follow just to do something that by all accounts is so right.  I handed you to Irina and she told me that you would wave from the window... I turned away and stared back one more time into the groupa room from the snowy sidewalk.  You were pointing at the airplane (I now know the word for that thanks to you - Sem-ul-yot) in the sky... and then looked to wave a final goodbye to me.  It was a quiet 50 minute ride back to Komsomolsk in the dark.  I cried of course... and then there was just silence. 
Most days I just manage.  I knew I would have to leave you and I knew that it would be hard.  Today though, I'm not feeling that steadfast... I keep watching the videos over and over and wishing I could just hug you and tuck you into your beautiful bed to watch you sleep.  I keep hearing your laugh in my ears and your little voice so full of excitement.  I don't care that there are patches on the wall that need to be painted or things yet to clean... I just want you home... I miss you tonight.  I stare blankly at the clock knowing that right now you are probably just going down for a nap.  I wonder... about everything...  Tomorrow will be better... tomorrow I'll be brave again... but not tonight.  Tonight I'm just going to have a good cry.


Tracey and Chuck said...

Hang in there my friend!!! I had many of those nights but now we are 5 days away from having our baby boy in our arms for forever!!! Sometimes I sit here and I still can't believe it. But we are on the home stretch and you too will be soon!!! Hang in there and get those docs done as quick as possible so you too can be counting the days until you have your little boy in your arms for forever!!!
Thinking of you,

amy and kevin said...

I'm just getting caught up on your blog now that I'm awake and up from my cough syrup-with-codeine haze... oh man, oh man. You sound so sad :( I just know the caretakers at your son's orphanage are reminding him that you are coming for him soon! There is just way too much stress in this crazy process. I just realized we have about 6 more documents we need notarized to bring for the US Embassy on the next trip. When does it ever end??? All we want is to have our children home, safe and sound, giving them hugs & kisses. I know it is going to happen for us SOON! Have a glass of wine for me (since I'm sick) and watch your precious videos of him :)

Anonymous said...

hi stacey,

i'm new to your blog. found you through amy (petal stacker trail). i lived in toronto from grade 6-13(yes, when they had that) and then montreal. best friend from then now lives in vancouver. i miss the great white north and was so moved by your blog. i'm PAP - just got dossier in to russia. long wait ahead. i'm glad there are people ahead of me in this - glad for you you're past where i am in the process!

i'm new to blogs too. didn't know i had the account listed. ?? if parenting is like all this technology, i'm going to need a lot more manuals!

thinking of you and willing hard that you get your little boy by birthday time. mine is right near then, so will have you two at the fore of my mind.

best - deborah