Saturday, May 1, 2010

11 Long years

Yesterday - April 30th was 11 long years since our accident.  April 30th 12 years ago, Scott asked me to marry him.  Down on one knee in the red Utah dirt, he told me I am his best friend and that he wanted me to be his wife.  I, for the only time in my life, was speechless... I cried the biggest, happiest tears and he knew... but I didn't tell him for 4 days until he reminded me at the turn off for Vegas that I should probably make it official by saying yes... so I did.  11 years ago I went from having my heart race from finally being called Mrs and from the anticipation of what our lives would be like as we continued to grow together as a family to the devistation of starting over at 25 as a widow.  Who knows how to do that? Who knows how to say goodbye to their best friend, their husband and the father of the children we had all planned out while trying to say goodbye to your own childhood?  Nothing like a fat brick wall introduction to life isn't fair.  I struggled - I struggled hard - I'm not sure that anyone really knows how hard I struggled - I hid it well - kept a stiff upper lip and hid behind a persona of I'll be OK - it's what I do.  Saying goodbye to dreams, to a life, to your best friend, to my everything was devistating and has taken a long time to crawl back up from.  Time passes, people move on and forget.  Only a couple people even remembered or noted that yesterday was the hardest day of my life... followed by about 2 years of unbearable pain and muddling through the day to day.   At the very least, 2 years were a blurr... I don't remember how I made it through but I know I finished my degree, made the deans list, competed in triathlons, did the half iron man, raced, trained, swam (because you can't bawl under water), started a career, said goodby to Scott's company, clung to friends and family, and lived by the mantra, "remember to breathe" - I was numb... for a long long time. 
I still feel him with me - although not as often or perhaps as strong as I did before... but he's here.  I don't know how often I dream about him... but on the night of the 30th I did. Vivid and clear - he was with me for that night.  And when I remembered in the morning, I was glad... glad that he still is with me...
Scott was my best friend, my encouragement, the person I aspired most to be like.  He was smart, and funny, and honest, and kind not to mention tall dark and so very handsome.  He made me want to be a better person.  I loved the way he made me feel and how he did that for everyone in his own special way.  He had a knack of making people feel good about themselves and a knack for making them smile. 
I wanted what every wife wants - I wanted to grow old, I wanted quiet walks on the beach hand in hand, I wanted to raise a family, I wanted to celebrate life.  Oh how dreams change.  Now, as a result of changing the way dreams happen  but not the dreams themselves, I am bringing home an amazing little boy who I can't wait to be Mama to.  I will get to hold someones hand on a beach - it will just be smaller.  I will have a new life to celebrate and I'll see it through brand new excitement and little innocent eyes.  I will raise a family - I'll be raising a son.  Sometimes the dreams you think you lost, they just take awhile to take new form and maybe it takes awhile to recognize that they are the same dreams, just wrapped up a little different than you thought.  Sometimes, those dreams just take extra time to come into focus... sometimes it's just a long way home. 
11 years ago I lost my best friend, this year, I am so looking forward to reclaiming some of my dreams.  I'm looking forward to having a place to put my heart each day and night.  While I don't want my son to carry the burden of my happiness or of my saddness, I do want him to know that I have thought about him for 11 long years.  I remember being in Revelstoke looking for Chuck and announcing that maybe I'd had my one true love in life - maybe that would be all that I would get... and if that were the case, I'd still be a mom.  I'd adopt - and I'd have a family.  11 years ago, long before you were even a thought, I wished you into my life... and soon, here you will be.  Happiness shared is happiness doubled - I can't wait for icecream, and playgrounds, and play dates, and running through the sprinkler in the sun.  On a day that was so filled with dispair and tears, Corbin, you now give me the dream to look forward with fresh eyes of hope.  Meeting you has given me a reason to smile... and to love.  Baby boy, I can't wait to fill my time with happy gigles, laughter and so much love.  The best thing Scott taught me to do was love with my whole heart, ripped wide open ready to accept the most innocent, honest and amazing love... that's what Scott taught me... and I can't wait to give all of my heart and all of my soul to you.  Thank you Scott for teaching me to love in a way that I am looking forward to teaching a little boy who is so very deserving of it. I wish you could meet him... I wish he could meet you... somehow, I'm certain that you already have.  Thankyou for whatever hand you may have had in bringing Corbin into my life. 
I know that someday in heaven, we'll get that walk hand in hand on the sandy beach and maybe then, I'll understand.  For now, I'll just love, the way you taught me... I'll go on loving you and my son and whatever life may hold because loving you that way - even though I lost you... is the only way I know how to love. Thank you for that. Thank you for you. I miss you always and am thankful for my Ravens and the times I know you are near.  Stay with me Boo, I still like you being around.
Love always Kid.


Kari Braun said...

I needed a good cry this morning! It seems like yesterday in so many ways... but also like a dream a long time ago. Looking forward to some new dreams with you and Corbin.

jo said...

It is so strange, I agree with Kari, it feels like yesterday and a nightmare at the same time. I remember everything from those first couple of weeks and then it's all a blur. I wish I hadn't been in Montreal. No one should suffer this pain and loss, it's not fair. But you Stac, you do not take love for granted. Not the love of your puppy nor the lost love of Scott and now you get to share your love and teach a new little boy how it feels to be loved to the end of the earth. You are Love, Strength and Courage. And now, you are Mama.

Amy said...

Your strength and courage brings tears to my eyes every time. So estatic for you my dear!

Shelly and Steve said...

You are an amazing woman and are able to put things into words so beautifully. Thank you for sharing that with us.