Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Things that cross my worried mind... and a happy ending

I am going to go backwards on the day because that’s where my worried mind settled at least for awhile. There are certain things that a birth parent will never consider – concerns that will never occur to them… today, I was tormented by the thought of “what if”. I know I’ve mentioned before that Corbin’s parents live somewhere very close to the orphanage but have never been to visit since their rights were terminated. I know I talked about walking and wondering if I passed his birth parents home… I wondered for my son and for me… but not for them. Today, I wondered about them… in a way that made me nauseous. Rewind: a new regulation has a social worker coming to observe us every day. Yesterday was brilliant – as if on cue, Corbin did everything he does that makes my heart melt. Today… not so much. He was tired and wanted to go outside to play – he had ants in his pants and wasn’t interested in showing the new social worker his uncanny ability to color very carefully (at least for awhile) inside of the lines, or that he could identify colors in English or that he would answer questions that I might ask of him in Russian. He did however eat cookies and feed them to me and whisper quietly the responses that she wanted to hear. Elya over heard her ask the care givers at the end of the visit if he was always shy – they said “No, it is the language barrier and he isn’t sure how to respond”. Sure – I’ll give them that – of course there is a language barrier… but he talks to me, he yells on the play ground, he laughs and engages… when he isn’t being poked and prodded and observed by a stranger. So that made me uneasy – what will she write in the report? I’m not worried about it impacting the adoption – just the potential for early custody. Strike one on the nervous scale. Next, a question to Elya, “has she taken him for a walk around Selihino?” – answer, “no… should she?” answer, “absolutely not… his parents live very close and I wouldn’t want them to see and cause problems.”… enter nervous scale part two. To add to the details, I found out also that his birth mother was pregnant with another child at the time of my first visit. They fully expect this child to enter the home soon. This makes anyone with a baby carriage suspect to me as they “could” be his birth mom. I also understand that I (by law) will be given first opportunity to adopt this child... just extra details to weigh on my mind… not to truly be contemplated… they are just taking up rent in my head. This afternoon, we spent the visit outside. At first, it was just the two of us. We spent it jumping from tires, finding flowers, chasing butterflies and learning his first English words – Puppy, bubbles, truck… I am thrilled! yet the statement of “they live very close” echos in my head. Suddenly every person in Selihino became a person of interest to me… especially if they showed the remotest interest in the baby home or in me. First, there was the blond lady who stood outside the apartment building just watching us… for half an hour. Next, the two ladies with the baby strollers came by and again… just watched. A blond man with big blue eyes came out and walked along the fence from the apartment building. I couldn’t help but be distracted and wonder who they are and are they actually watching or just sitting on the steps? Corbin was tired by the end of the day and was content to sit on the swing and be pushed along with the other children. I clung particularly tight to him when I had to say goodbye tonight… the fear of “what if” was weighing heavy on me. I got in the car tonight with tears in my eyes and I asked, “I am sure I know the answer to this question but I have to ask… If his parents saw us outside the baby home and were to try and make trouble… could they??? Do I need to worry??? Elya reiterated that they live close – always have… they have NEVER visited… their rights were terminated… they wouldn’t come now and it wouldn’t matter if they did. I know that… but it’s a queasy feeling just to feel watched and to wonder. I just want court to come and go so that my little one can stop begging at the end of the day to come with Mama in the machena… I am hoping that Irina will request early custody – it will be best for Corbin as he cries every time I leave.

I’ll end on an amazing note: I can’t remember but I don’t think I blogged this: a part time worker told Elya yesterday to bring a memory stick and that she would give us some pictures of Corbin from when he arrived to now. I didn’t think much of it… thought there would be a few photos… how is 60 photos from the time he arrived!!! He was not quite one from what I can tell from the date stamp in the photos properties. That also means that he has never had anyone say happy birthday to him other than me. He arrived at the orphanage the day before his 1st birthday… and now, he just turned 3. I am so thankful that I worked to arrive to spend that day with him. And at the end of an emotional day, I’ll take that to the Mom bank…


HilaryS said...

Hang in there Stacey. The emotional roller coaster is huge. The what ifs weigh so heavily on you until you are on that plane home. For us the fear was that people would hear Lauren crying or having a tantrum in the hotel and report us for being bad parents. We were very careful of every little thing we did in public. Just keep crossing those days off on the calendar.


J.J Barnes said...

Wow. These are about the only words that come to mind! Stacey I am saying many prayers for you and Corbin. Tianna, Sonia, & Olivia have also told me that you’re both in there bed time prayers. Hang in there it will not be too much longer. Only 6 more sleeps?? Unless one of them is a sleepless one :)
Love you and miss you

jo said...

I gather it's a really small town. I think you should lay low. Their rights are terminated but you don't want to meet them, that I am sure of. Sending big hugs and thinking of you and your family (emphasis) constantly.

Jojo, Julz, Julianne said...

All totally normal fears. Like Hillary, I worried if my Anna may have a tantrum..(She never did) and then someone would take her back! I also looked into the faces of every female in Novo and Khabarovsk..Looking for something familiar. I never saw one.
Once you have court, you will probably go out to Komsomolsk on the night train and then drive out to the baby home in Selihino. Did you find out who will make the decision about taking custody? More than likely, the baby home director will make a reccomendation (along with the social worker) and then in Komsomolsk you will visit the guardianship?/MOE? that I visited. The head honcho there was the one who gave the final ok for me to take Anna on that first day..Has Elya figured out who that is now?
(it is the boss of the social worker who will appear in court for you)
I am so thankful for all of your updates. It brings Hillary and I right back. (admit it Hillary, you miss it!)
I can't wait to see pages and pages of pictures with both of you together in Khabarovsk. The joy only gets deeper. And the mom bank fills up so full that you have to open "branch locations!"
In your documents did you request to change Corbin's birth city to Khabarovsk? (Many do, as I did)
If so, do you have the REAL answer to why and the ANSWER THEY WANT TO HEAR IN COURT? If not, I will email you these. hee hee
I got very hung up on that while in court!!! wasn't pretty

and the judge wasn't as harsh as you may have heard. OHHH, do you know the name of the court translator yet?
if it's Galina then I will have to ask you to send her a message!!!!

love love and encouragement, and joy, and comfort, and strength and prayer, and rest be with you!!

Nancy said...

My prayers are sent your way. It s quite the emotional roller coaster, isn't it!!!

But, it creates so many memories, good & not so good!

Stay Calm & seek Peace, my friend!

alicia said...

You are the version of strength & courage that I dream of being...your persistence is making this dream come true, and despite realistic fears of his birth family, I just know you were meant to be his's been in the works for years! Today I wish you peace & calm to go along with your strength! My birth mother says she always wondered about me, but knew she had to stick to her decision and respect my new life. I pray this is the same for Corbin.