Tuesday, November 9, 2010

My own Remembrance day

One year ago today the day started out like pretty much all the other ones. The day started early and my phone nearly died so when I returned to my vehicle at 12:09 (funny how time stands still and you remember weird details?) I flipped open my phone to see that I had a missed call from the area code where referral calls come from.  My heart lept and nearly pounded out of my chest... this was it... the call... The details were fast and furious - boy, young, small... do you have an Internet connection right now?  No.  Frantic calls to my sister followed and she met me at Starbucks to hit a wireless connection so that I could see this little boy.  There were tears of joy, cheers with my coffee, and even a picture of the first time I saw his face.  Calls were placed to Dr. Bledsoe so that she could review his file the following night.  He was beautiful.  I can still see his dark eyes clearly in my head. For just more than 30 hours I hoped against hope that he was the one... that finally I had a face to my dreams.  It was not to be.  Our phone call to discuss his health was short.  Within the first minute she had tenderly told me about the challenges that she felt that this little guy would almost certainly have.  There was no question that I had to decline this referral and go back to waiting for my son.  My heart broke as I hung up the phone and the numbness set in.  I remember not knowing what to do or what to say... the silence hurt.  I went into auto pilot and headed to my soccer game arriving late to a dressing room full of team mates who have known and supported me for years.  I opened the door and the flood gates all at the same time.  I couldn't even say the words... I just cried... and played soccer.  No one pushed or prodded... they were just there and continue to be.  November 11th - Remembrance day, I notified my agency that I would be officially declining this little boy. 
Beautiful baby Roman... I am sorry that I couldn't be the Mama that you need and deserve.  I think about you often and have prayed that you are in the loving arms of your family as I type this.  I brought some clothes and a toy for you on my first trip - it eases my conscience to hope that you received them... and then as I re-read that statement how shallow it seems... that a toy and clothing could somehow make up for the fact that you live in an orphanage without a family of your own...  Later, it helped me to breathe a sigh of relief when my facilitator told me that you had been referred and accepted by an American family... but I sometimes still check the photo listing and you are still there.  You will forever be in my heart, thoughts and prayers... in a perfect world, children wouldn't have to want for a family.  They wouldn't have to be without a goodnight kiss and story.  This world isn't perfect but we do the best we can.  Roman, I hope you are loved today and always... and that you are adored by your own Mother who has a perfect love for you. 
I'll never forget.
Happy Happy edit... I just checked the photolisting and you are gone... and to me, that means I can smile knowing you are in the family that is meant to be yours.  I hope your Mama loves you a little extra tonight - I know I'll love my son knowing he's where he's supposed to be too.  And they all lived happily ever after.


J.J Barnes said...

Stacey, I too think of Baby Roman often and have said many prayers for him. I am certain that he is in HIS home with HIS mumma. She is showering him with love as you are showering Corbin with yours. I have a firm belief that everything happens for a reason. Corbin and Roman are both where they were meant to be, with their families that love them unconditionally, forever.
We will always remember with you Stacey, you are never alone :}

Mama said...

Hugs to you Stacey. I try to prepare myself that this may happen to me...but I know that I can't ever truly be prepared. You amaze me :)