Today was a beautiful day...

11 Years ago: Today was a beautiful day. We laughed, we sang, we celebrated. It was HOTTTT! The sunshine shon down on us as we were surrounded by friends and family and Love. Chuck (our dog who was part of it all) behaved - the goldfish however did not :) I can still remember the first time Scott sent me flowers and they were addressed to me as "Mrs".... my heart skipped a beat. I felt so grown up... I felt so happy... I felt like I had everything in the world I ever wanted in him, in our marriage, and in our dreams of the future. I celebrated that happiness for everything it was... for 8 months... and then the happiest moment of my life with Scott forever became our wedding day. The happiest day wouldn't get the chance to be rivaled by the birth of our children or surprises or accomplishments together... because there were no more happy days to be shared. Scott died beside me in our roll over accident... and my world changed.
There are few days in the year when the memories sting and the "grief monster" returns to make himself known... today is one of them. I've celebrated every one of our anniversaries alone and I don't think I'm getting any better at it :( Today is a quiet day of reflection on who we'd be... what our lives would be like and how much love we would still share. I know he'd want me to be happy and to be loved. I know he'd be proud of me for finding a way to bring this little boy home... I just wish he could be here to share it with. This adoption process has tried my patience and I think sometimes that maybe it's because I think that life "owes me" something good - something easy - something happy... to help even out the odds for what I've endured. then I remember a quote: "Being a good and kind and fair person in this life no more protects you from lifes evils than being a vegitarian protects you from a raging bull". Life owes us nothing but I owe life and myself so much.
So today, I look back and remember the love that we had... and today, I look forward to a love that is still to be. I hope you are up there consulting with God on the little boy who will become my son and how we might be just right for one another... but one small request??? Could you guys hurry???
Miss you Boo... today and always.
Love Kid.

Timely Quote...

"Nearly every man who develops an idea works at it up to the point where it looks impossible, and then gets discouraged. That's not the place to become discouraged."
Thomas A. Edison

Thanks for your emails and comments and thoughts... these rough patches in momentum occur when there seems to be nothing else to do... and I guess it's my job to find ways to keep busy. So, I'll try and be better at being busy hoping and dreaming and knowing that in whatever way he comes home, he's meant to be my son and hurrying through the process would have meant that it wouldn't be HIM that is sleeping in his new bed and playing with our dog... and it's HIM I'm waiting for. I need to be patient while his journey is made ready for us to be a family. I have spoken to my agency and it is fairly certain that I will be traveling to Khab rather than Perm. They are not offering Perm as an option for new families and to me, they talk only in terms of Khab for my dossier and travel. My SW has spoken to the facilitator there about my request and child requested so I am on the radar at least. I asked if I should anticipate travel in 2010 for a first trip and I was surprised when she seemed taken back by that and answered, "NO! we hope you will travel before Christmas for trip one"... So I'll be dreaming of a Khabarovsk Christmas :)

In a Funk... but not feeling funky

Well, we are almost 2/3 of the way through the 2009... In a month and a half I'll have been registered in Russia for one year. Oh the innocent optimist I was this time last year giddily waiting for my dossier to be registered in Perm dreaming of maybe traveling before Christmas '08 LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!! I look back over my time line - I started conversations with my home study agency January 2008 and waited for the IA course in March to get things rolling for my home study. All tallied, that's 18 months in process... 2 pregnancies worth of process and pains. I guess that's why I feel worn out and weathered. It's to the point that friends are afraid to ask how things are going or any news... probably because I've started bracing them for the likelihood that this process will undoubtedly push well into 2010. There has been NO indication to hope much less expect any sort of movement from Perm... eggs are being carefully transferred to my awaiting basket in Khabarovsk with a caveat that I won't actually be registered there for another 10 weeks or so (it will take them that long to process / translate / notarize etc the documents). It has taken a ridiculous amount of time to update / approve the addendum of nothingness and get an actual, accurate and mistake free list of documents from my agency. Good thing I learned to proof read... I've caught errors before they got to Russia and caused delays... yet I sit, waiting, behind where I was this time last year and certainly lower in hope and anticipation. His bedroom furniture arrived on my birthday (October) last year... my basement is full of toys, clothes, books, travel gifts, and little boy stuff. I've read books, learned some Russian, researched, learned, listened and asked... Now what? I'm discouraged and don't know quite how I'll make it through to the end. Optimistically, if I'm registered late October, they say "a few months" for referral putting me into 2010, travel Jan / Feb, 4 months between trips, maybe court in June... home next July??? Best case scenario I'll have been in process 31 months. Hmmm... I guess that likely could mean that my son wasn't even born when I started this process... Wow... this is gonna take some endurance. And it's hard... it's hard to watch people in the adoption world who I've become cyber friends with bring home baby after being registered for a few months, or weeks... it's hard to watch others agencies make things happen out of concern that their families have waited for 6 or 7 months for a referral... and I'm almost at 11 and know that it will likely be 15 or 16 months by the time I get a referral of an older toddler boy... and that's not to say that I will be able to accept... There was a time that I would amuse myself with checking my voice mail just in case I got "the call"... now, I can't remember the last time that even crossed my mind. It just seems so far away and remote... I don't even know what to ask anymore... "sometimes I sits and thinks... sometimes I just sits". Will this ever come to the happy ending I visualized so vividly a year ago??? How to I fill another almost year??? Will I ever be able to park in my garage again? What happens if I hate the things I bought for him by then? It used to be fun and exciting to imagine the what ifs... now I feel like the fun police sucked all the joy out of this journey. UGGGG!!! Calgon take me away... :)