Some people get "the call" others make it...

Cryptic... yes.  Protective... absolutely.  News to follow... prayers needed now. 

Starlight, star bright, first star I see tonight...

I find myself here often.  Thanks for always being here when I need you most.  This is where it all started, and where I find you still. 

XOXO

Kid

Home - out of the frying pan into the deepfreeze

I packed up my sunscreen yesterday afternoon and tucked it securely into a zip lock baggie in my luggage and headed for home. 28 degrees celcius there... minus 9 with a wind chill making it feel like minus 9000 here at home. I was welcomed by a 4 foot high snow drift on my driveway... and I laughed. Thankfully the awful weather made it the best option for my brother in law to stay over which allowed for assistance in the shoveling department :) Today was spent avoiding unpacking and catching up with life that went on for the last week. Nothing new on the adoption front. It's been a month since declining and no contact again since then from my agency. There was a referral from Khab last week, but sadly, the child had to be declined for health reasons. I feel for the family as they now wait with me for referral number 2. Well, since it takes 3 weeks from accepting to travel, 2009 will close without me meeting my son. In the mean time, I have skiing plans for NewYears, will be at my sisters for Christmas eve and then back in town for Christmas day with my inlaws and have a few more vacation days to burn between now and then so the year is winding down.

For now, I'll get back to the business at hand which is finishing the vacation book, shoveling snow and going tomorrow to pick up Lyric (my dog). Oh yeah, and since it's so cold out, it makes a good excuse to dip into my duty free purchase of baileys caramel... and hot chocolate... or milk... or coffee... or maybe just on ice. I've got one more day of "vacation" I'll see how many I can sample before Monday morning :)

I'm packing my sunscreen

It's high time I used up some of the vacation I banked for travel in 2009 and headed to somewhere warm. Booked it. I leave Friday at 7am for Los Cabos. Sun, sand, surfing, slurring (OK maybe just a little), sleeping.... that oughta cover it. Checking out for a week of R n' R. Promise to return in a better mood :)
Ironically, the song "everybody's free to wear sunscreen" came up on my iPod today and it's a good one for me to keep in mind as I recharge and change my focus. It's on the play list here so if you haven't heard it before... un-mute the music - it's really worth listening to.

Adios, Ola, hasta luego or whatever they say in Mexico besides "Dos Cervezas Por Favor"
Stacey

----------When Helmets aren't enough---------

I am this girl - I have my helmet and training wheels but should have also taken a HUGE dose of gravol and at the very least worn some protective gear for my elbows, knees and most of all heart. I have made some decisions recently in terms of contact with my agency (who I am pretty sure has been on here at least a couple times) so they won't likely be disappointed to hear this. I have come to terms with the fact that calling them serves no purpose other than to rile me up and ultimately make them defensive and mad. I have run out of sunshine and skittles in my endurance in this journey and all that is left is determination, grit and fumes... which come out in frustration. We don't see eye to eye on things - they indicate they are doing everything they can... I see a program director running 2 programs on a part time schedule. I don't understand why it took so long to offer options to families registered in regions that they knew were not going to have children available but those changes take time from a program development and relationship stand point and peraps there needed to be more staff to make that happen. I am frustrated at the time this is taking and the lack of proactive communication and the difficulty gettting live contact with my social worker at the times she is scheduled to be in the office. They see a challenging and changing environment in Russia causing the delays. I see other Canadian agencies bringing home healthy infants and children in under a year operating within that same environment. I see clear communications regarding what I can handle as a parent and I also see that perhaps my agency doesn't quite understand what healthy means to me. They see an increasingly impatient, difficult, demanding, curt, frustrated PAP, I see 14 months of waiting (22 in total) for a boy older than most people are hoping for go by and wonder what else anyone would expect? Pregnant women are "allowed" to get cranky as they get bigger and more uncomfortable... and so I am exercising that same feeling. This is getting bigger and more uncomfortable, I'm getting more irritable, moody, and can burst into tears at any given moment... so yeah... I'm over due. I'm good and ready to get this over with. I dont' want to talk about it or ask more questions... I just want to hear the doctor say - it's a boy. Welcome home.

Oh yeah, the conversation closed with some potentially hopeful information regarding the urgency to get registerd families matched with children but there is no warm fuzzy "soon" at this point in the game for me. I have started exploring domestic foster adoption options - the knot at the end of this rope might not hold me for much longer.

Settling back in

So it's the weekend... thankfully. I have laundry to do, a house to tidy, and breath to catch. PJ's and coffee (with caramel Baileys) is the order of the day. What can I say about this week? How am I doing? Well, in a word - exhausted. In another word - OK. I don't know if I've gotten better over time at dealing with hard life "stuff" or maybe I've somehow learned to be objective and protective of my heart in so many ways. I hurt hard, deep and fast... and then I cope. I figure out the rational details of "things" and then do my best to move forward. Life is interesting... nobody said it wasn't going to be hard... but it's my job to find the beauty in it... so I sit in my PJ's thankful for flannel and for my amazing dog who sat close and licked lots of tears away. But more than being thankful for flannel and my dog, I'm thankful for everyone who emailed and reached out with words of comfort, advice, support and just to commiserate. I didn't take a lot of calls - because I had to figure out what I felt and what I wanted to say... all without the courtesy of a backspace button or time out for random fits of tears. So please don't think it's personal if I didn't pick up the phone. To the ones who decided just to show up on my doorstep to give me a hug... I'm so thankful for you too... silent tears and a hug go together like PB&J. Sometimes there are no words that need to be spoken - a hug says it all. So what now? What is on the horizon? Not sure. I spoke to my SW and maybe in the end I will be able to give some honest feedback on how to make this process better but for now, I take the high silent road. In terms of "how long" - I'm back to the silence and basically the you'll know when you get a call. I'd like to say that I don't think it will be long... but I have no reason to say that other than hope and I'll continue to do that - Hope... it's what I have to hang onto.

In great region news, one family is returning from Khab after meeting their 12 month old girl and my friend and her husband left this morning to meet their 18 month old son. Things are moving there... I have that confidence. So, if I hear nothing from my agency in the next week, I'll hear from my friend after her journey and maybe have new things to think about if nothing else. And that is that - back to the wait in silence.

Again, thanks for the emails, thoughts, prayers and friendship - you guys make this roller coaster ride bearable. Still hangin' on tight.

I am learning to maybe keep my hopes under wraps until I know for sure but after consult last night with one of the most respected International Adoption physicians my fears were confirmed. Dr. Bledsoe’s opening comment (loaded with the most kind and caring delivery based on heartfelt understanding of the weight and situation) was that, “I am so very very worried about this little boy”. She reviewed mostly his growth charts and told me that they become worried when a child is more than 3 standard deviations from the norm. My babies very best measurements were 3.5 SD from norm and his worst were 4+. She also reviewed the markers for FAS features and while he is adorable he displays features that she considered stereotypical (especially his eyebrows). Her very strong recommendation was to not proceed with going to meet baby R and to wait for a more healthy referral. She told me that there is a 50% + chance that he will not have the capacity to live independently and be severely academically and life challenged. At 19 months he is the size of an average 9 month old child and stopping just short of begging me not to move forward with this referral she offered to do a pre consult for my next referral.

So… I've sat here and had a big old fashioned cry… a cry for a beautiful little boy who I very much wanted to bring home and love back to health and a little boy who will always stay in my heart. In just over 24 hours, I fell in love with his sweet face and somehow was even looking forward to changing diapers… I’ve learned to be patient and rational… even in affairs of the heart. I have the support of my agency in making the right decision for me and they told me that it will not be looked upon negatively by them or the Ministry of Education in Russia as they move forward to find me a healthy little boy. I’ll be fine… my heart breaks for this little boy that I’ll forever wonder if I did the right thing and pray that he will find a family to love him and help him with all of the things his broken little life will need.

I wanted to let you all know now before I had to say it out loud if you called… I sent the email to my SW and she compassionately understood the challenges associated with raising a special needs child as a single mom by choice and told me to take the time to grieve this loss and she'll call me on Thursday. Thanks so very much to everyone for your support, comments, emails and excitement - it's a hard balance. I prematurely shared my excitement and was given the gift of your friendship and celebration and now, although there are big parts of me that wish I could put a lid on my emotions until things are sure... I need you guys now more than before to lean on. So, I guess in the end, it was OK... I got to be deliriously happy if only for a short while. The crashing hurts though... beware of the landing.

I used to like roller coasters.

:-( Love the IA doctor... not the message

Will update more when I get my head wrapped around everything... but the news isn't good.

What a roller coaster...

Stacey

REFERRAL!!!

Well I guess that's exactly what "soon" means!!! I got up early today and headed to a meeting at the hospital. On the way there I realized that my cel phone only had one bar of power left. I made a mental note that I NEEDED to go home to grab my charger. After I did I headed on my work day. I got out of a big clinic building where I had spent about an hour to see that I had missed 6 calls... and in that moment... about 20 heart beats. I checked my call history and saw a "780" number which is where I expected a call from the provincial government. It took forever to get through the messages and to the one I was waiting for... THE CALL!!! My sister came to be with me as we sat outside of Starbucks and read the email together, took a big deep breath and opened the pictures... WHEW!!!

Skip to the juicy part: Boy: 19 months old, 15.5 lbs, beautiful big dark eyes and brown hair, walking, cruising, babbling, says "mama" "a man" "give me", likes musical toys, plays shy when someone talks sweetly to him by hiding his face, eats and sleeps well, no major scary medical diagnosies (that I know of yet). They don't know how long he's been in the baby home nor what his exact birthday is but when I looked at the photo listing I found a picture of him as a TINY baby so I'm assuming he's been there from the start. I have put the call in to have him reviewed by an IA doctor and the only thing of concern for me right now is that he is such a little peanut. He was born 4 weeks early so I'll subtract a month off of "his real age" for that and if he's been in the baby home for 19 months and "they say" that there is an expected delay of 1 month for every 3 in the home that could account for another 6 really??? So... is he really that small for his "age"??? time will tell.

What does my gut say? He's just little. I am praying that he'll be fine... just needs lots of love and high fat foods!!! He is beautiful to me - he looks proportionate and strong... just little... and beautiful... and like he'd like to be my son.

What else can I say??? I'm exhausted but not to tired for a great big
WHOO HOO!!!!
Thanks to Darla and Carala for coming over to celebrate my joy and excitement! Thanks to everyone who's called and emailed and cried with me. I can't wait to meet him and be able to officially introduce him... This feels amazing :)

Wild Wild Roller Coaster Ride

Everybody get ready to board the roller coaster with me... Put your seat belts on, remove all loose objects from your pockets (except wallets and large unmarked bills - if they fall I'll have my people collect them on the ground :) and put your hands way up with your fingers crossed in the air.
What a change a week and a melt down can make. I'll skip the details in between where we clarified some details and get right to the juicy excerpt from an email from my SW this evening, " just received confirmation from our facilitator in Khabarovsk that we will continue to offer proposals, as she is confident we will be able to meet court requirements. Another Canadian agency works in Khab and is able to get through court, so I am confident we can do the same. So, we have decided not to withhold or delay any proposals from the region.
Good news for you...who I do expect may receive a proposal soon...stay tuned! Have a great night!"
Now I don't know what "soon" means exactly but my agency doesn't say "soon" unless they know something we don't and have reason to believe that there is a happy phone call in my foreseeable future. Wow... this could all become very very real very very soon. Wow. Fingers crossed for a happy, healthy cutie who wants nothing more than to come home to Canada with his mama (but he just doesn't know it yet). Will certainly be posting updates as they come - praying for everything to be wonderful!
YIKES!

Bah Humbug

So, would you like the good news or the bad news first? Well - you don't REALLY get to vote so, let's start with the good news. There have been 2 referrals for families in Khab. Actually, let me re-phrase that - for one family REGISTERED in Khab and another who were registered in another region and brought in for a referral of an infant girl. On the surface, it shouldn't matter that the family was pulled in from another region (no one in Khab was waiting for an infant girl) but in the end, it does affect me - which leads to the bad news. I spoke to the program assistant today at my agency and she told me that, "we will not be doing any new referrals until court is granted for the families who already have accepted matches". Now given those of you who have contacted me with info on Khab, my understanding is that time from 1st to 2nd trip is pretty standardly 4 months... which means that even if they allow a match after getting only one court date, that will already be into 2010. I spent the afternoon mulling this over and working my way through the reality of Christmas with months potentially still to wait. It's been a teary afternoon 'round here. I'm all out of ideas on how to manage the wait. I'd love to take a big beach vacation with all inclusive umbrella drinks (and lots of them) but I don't have anyone to go with... Someone suggested that perhaps changing my age range to 24 - 48 years might help. I guess then I might have someone to go on vacation with.

Bah humbug.

Snow, Soccer, Silence and a birthday wish?

It's been a whril wind of activity around here lately. Soccer wrapped up in a snowy weekend competition at Nationals over Thanksgiving in Edmonton. My team seems to be a bit of a dynasty at this point having won 4 Provincial championships in a row and Nationals last year... but this year it was not to be. We went into the gold medal game heavily favored and by all acounts dominated regulation time but just couldn't finish. They were the sort of team that had lots of heart but little talent other than getting in the way and breaking up plays... which was sadly effective. We finished off at 0-0 and went into PK's where we lost... not only the snow and wind giving sometimes -15 temperatures left us feeling a little numb... that is life. I was then welcomed home to shoveling my driveway twice and installing winter tires which made me grumpy. I did however manage to spend some time with friends off the pitch and weaseled a turkey dinner and laundry which was so so nice! Back home on the range, indoor soccer fires up shortly and I have to balance that with my budding hockey career. This is season number three and I'm still having a blast!!! On the adoption front, we have heard nothing. I've been in touch with the other families waiting in Khab with my agency and they have been told that they are still expecting 2 referrals "shortly" and they don't know what the delay is (they thought they would come 2 weeks ago so they don't know if the children released from the DB did not meet our families requirements, had health issues or were simply not released yet). Anyway, I'm still hoping one of them is for me... time will tell. Since my birthday is at the end of the month, wouldn't that make a wonderful gift??? I think so. So cross your fingers that I'll have good news soon!

In a side note, I wanted to say that a blogger friend has had some very sad news in her quest to bring home her little girl. It is so hard to read the journal of her time in Pakistan with her "sweet pea" and knowing that at the 11th hour things fell apart and she came home without her tiny beautiful daughter. I can't imagine her pain and grief right now so... if you are the praying kind, I know there is a Mama out there who could use a little help and a big fat miracle.

P.S. the snow has now melted and I'm going for a hike in the mountains today because it is beautiful out :)

You know it's been longer than usual when...

So I looked at my countdown timeline ticker thing and it said that I applied for adoption today... which is funny. I tried to edit it to reflect the fact that it's officially a year today that I've been waiting for a referral from Perm and it won't put that it's been a year and a day... it just says that I applied today. So I changed it - I like this one better anyway :) BUT - let's wipe the slate clean - start over in a new region without the weight and wait of the old. Out with the old and in with the new!!! It's day one and things are gonna happen - change is in the air! My agency thinks that there will be a couple referrals and I think it's preemptive to hope that one might be mine... but stranger things have happened :) I'll take him at Christmas... or a birthday gift (end of October) would be great too. Fortune cookie said Christmas and I'll believe in almost any sign these days lol...

Going to Khab (my dossier that is)

Today's tidbit of information came from talking with my SW. My dossier is hot off the press and en route to Khab - it should arrive any time!!! The facilitator has been aware of my file for a couple of months now and my SW indicated that this is a good thing as it allows them to begin 'working on finding my child'. She clarified that there are 4 families waiting in Khab for their kiddos. She said that the ministry makes the decision on which family receives the referral not the facilitator or the agency - the invitation comes assigned to the family with a pre specified child. The last referral came with a few pictures and a brief medical. They are confident that referrals will come quickly and in fact are expecting one by the end of the week (I have my fingers crossed for Heather!). She was reluctant to advise me on notifying my employer and hesitant to give any sort of time line given that they do not make decisions - the MOE does and they become aware of them when the document or call comes from the facilitator. Once a referral comes in, it is about 3 weeks to travel and they anticipate 3 months between trips (but that is a guess because they have not had a court date assigned yet). It is nice that of the 5 families in Khab (4 waiting and one between trips), I am in contact with 2 of them.
So, I'm feeling hopeful... I'm feeling excited... I dusted off his bedroom furniture in the garage... I'm starting to feel like the wheels of progress are in motion once again. Or maybe that's the cold medicine going to my head??? Either way, it feels good to be moving in a good direction where there has been some momentum and success!!!

A sign?

I had a work function last night where I had to cater dinner in for the attendees and the meal came with fortune cookies for dessert. I cracked mine open and there were two... I don't remember the one - probably because the one said,

"Take note of today's date. Three months from today will be a monumental day."

That date would be December 24th... any day that you meet someone you will love and nurture and protect will be a monumental day but for me, if I were to meet my son on Christmas Eve... I don't know if I could find the words. I can't imagine anywhere else I'd rather be this Christmas than Russia. I've never put much stock into fortune cookies but could I believe in this one???

One more step to registered

I always like to have happy mail when I'm not expecting it... I got back from a work trip to San Francisco to find a note saying that my new dossier has been sent to Ottawa for legalization which is the last stop on the train before Russia. I guess this takes 2 - 3 weeks but with any luck I'll be official in Khabarovsk by the first week(ish) of October. On last report, my agency is hopeful if not confident that I'll get a referral and travel on trip one before Christmas. It's funny how a statement like that can make time disappear. Between getting registered, getting a referral, having the referral evaluated, accepting the referral, making travel arrangements and getting visas... that's a lot to do in such a short period of time... all before Christmas. Wow. I read a statement about adoption that said, "nothing happens, nothing happens then EVERYTHING happens" and I guess that sounds about right.

Other than that, it's been a nice time of celebration for friends of mine who received and accepted their referral after an exceedingly long wait in Ethiopia. They are not with the agency that went bankrupt. They were referred a beautiful, smiling, happy little man who is 7 months old. They will likely travel in December or January to bring little Mamush home. CONGRATS!!! We celebrated together in San Francisco and I checked off a number of things on my bucket list: Major League Baseball game (We don't have MLB here in Canada lol) including hot dog - check. Cable Car ride - check. Alcatraz - check, Pub crawl er I mean vineyard tour - check. We had fun, lots of laughs and managed some shopping in there too. Now it's back to reality and trying to implement a new software system in the field... today was a bit of a gong show!!! Next post will likely be I'M REGISTERED!!! AGAIN!!! LOL. As some smart fish once said, "Keep on swimming, Keep on swimming!"

Fall is looking up

September first for so many people out there is the return to school for their children and a return to a "normal" schedule. To me, it's always been the return of tall boots, Taber corn, fall soccer, tea in the cool evenings, amazing fall colors and the countdown to Halloween, my birthday and Christmas... Tonight I am looking forward more than ever to the changing of the leaves and the coming of Santa. It's not time for tall boots yet but I'm dreaming of Khabarovsk in the snow and hopefully meeting my little boy... all I want for Chistmas is YOU! All my documents are signed off on and notarized / apostled and headed for translation. I'm in the works. I know there is one family ahead of me in Khab waiting for a boy up to 2 1/2 and I really hope that things happen for us the way that our agency seems to think it will. Hanging in and hanging on - 11 months today since registration in Perm (which on the upside is 11 months closer than I've ever been to having a son).

Today was a beautiful day...

11 Years ago: Today was a beautiful day. We laughed, we sang, we celebrated. It was HOTTTT! The sunshine shon down on us as we were surrounded by friends and family and Love. Chuck (our dog who was part of it all) behaved - the goldfish however did not :) I can still remember the first time Scott sent me flowers and they were addressed to me as "Mrs".... my heart skipped a beat. I felt so grown up... I felt so happy... I felt like I had everything in the world I ever wanted in him, in our marriage, and in our dreams of the future. I celebrated that happiness for everything it was... for 8 months... and then the happiest moment of my life with Scott forever became our wedding day. The happiest day wouldn't get the chance to be rivaled by the birth of our children or surprises or accomplishments together... because there were no more happy days to be shared. Scott died beside me in our roll over accident... and my world changed.
There are few days in the year when the memories sting and the "grief monster" returns to make himself known... today is one of them. I've celebrated every one of our anniversaries alone and I don't think I'm getting any better at it :( Today is a quiet day of reflection on who we'd be... what our lives would be like and how much love we would still share. I know he'd want me to be happy and to be loved. I know he'd be proud of me for finding a way to bring this little boy home... I just wish he could be here to share it with. This adoption process has tried my patience and I think sometimes that maybe it's because I think that life "owes me" something good - something easy - something happy... to help even out the odds for what I've endured. then I remember a quote: "Being a good and kind and fair person in this life no more protects you from lifes evils than being a vegitarian protects you from a raging bull". Life owes us nothing but I owe life and myself so much.
So today, I look back and remember the love that we had... and today, I look forward to a love that is still to be. I hope you are up there consulting with God on the little boy who will become my son and how we might be just right for one another... but one small request??? Could you guys hurry???
Miss you Boo... today and always.
Love Kid.

Timely Quote...

"Nearly every man who develops an idea works at it up to the point where it looks impossible, and then gets discouraged. That's not the place to become discouraged."
Thomas A. Edison

Thanks for your emails and comments and thoughts... these rough patches in momentum occur when there seems to be nothing else to do... and I guess it's my job to find ways to keep busy. So, I'll try and be better at being busy hoping and dreaming and knowing that in whatever way he comes home, he's meant to be my son and hurrying through the process would have meant that it wouldn't be HIM that is sleeping in his new bed and playing with our dog... and it's HIM I'm waiting for. I need to be patient while his journey is made ready for us to be a family. I have spoken to my agency and it is fairly certain that I will be traveling to Khab rather than Perm. They are not offering Perm as an option for new families and to me, they talk only in terms of Khab for my dossier and travel. My SW has spoken to the facilitator there about my request and child requested so I am on the radar at least. I asked if I should anticipate travel in 2010 for a first trip and I was surprised when she seemed taken back by that and answered, "NO! we hope you will travel before Christmas for trip one"... So I'll be dreaming of a Khabarovsk Christmas :)

In a Funk... but not feeling funky

Well, we are almost 2/3 of the way through the 2009... In a month and a half I'll have been registered in Russia for one year. Oh the innocent optimist I was this time last year giddily waiting for my dossier to be registered in Perm dreaming of maybe traveling before Christmas '08 LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!! I look back over my time line - I started conversations with my home study agency January 2008 and waited for the IA course in March to get things rolling for my home study. All tallied, that's 18 months in process... 2 pregnancies worth of process and pains. I guess that's why I feel worn out and weathered. It's to the point that friends are afraid to ask how things are going or any news... probably because I've started bracing them for the likelihood that this process will undoubtedly push well into 2010. There has been NO indication to hope much less expect any sort of movement from Perm... eggs are being carefully transferred to my awaiting basket in Khabarovsk with a caveat that I won't actually be registered there for another 10 weeks or so (it will take them that long to process / translate / notarize etc the documents). It has taken a ridiculous amount of time to update / approve the addendum of nothingness and get an actual, accurate and mistake free list of documents from my agency. Good thing I learned to proof read... I've caught errors before they got to Russia and caused delays... yet I sit, waiting, behind where I was this time last year and certainly lower in hope and anticipation. His bedroom furniture arrived on my birthday (October) last year... my basement is full of toys, clothes, books, travel gifts, and little boy stuff. I've read books, learned some Russian, researched, learned, listened and asked... Now what? I'm discouraged and don't know quite how I'll make it through to the end. Optimistically, if I'm registered late October, they say "a few months" for referral putting me into 2010, travel Jan / Feb, 4 months between trips, maybe court in June... home next July??? Best case scenario I'll have been in process 31 months. Hmmm... I guess that likely could mean that my son wasn't even born when I started this process... Wow... this is gonna take some endurance. And it's hard... it's hard to watch people in the adoption world who I've become cyber friends with bring home baby after being registered for a few months, or weeks... it's hard to watch others agencies make things happen out of concern that their families have waited for 6 or 7 months for a referral... and I'm almost at 11 and know that it will likely be 15 or 16 months by the time I get a referral of an older toddler boy... and that's not to say that I will be able to accept... There was a time that I would amuse myself with checking my voice mail just in case I got "the call"... now, I can't remember the last time that even crossed my mind. It just seems so far away and remote... I don't even know what to ask anymore... "sometimes I sits and thinks... sometimes I just sits". Will this ever come to the happy ending I visualized so vividly a year ago??? How to I fill another almost year??? Will I ever be able to park in my garage again? What happens if I hate the things I bought for him by then? It used to be fun and exciting to imagine the what ifs... now I feel like the fun police sucked all the joy out of this journey. UGGGG!!! Calgon take me away... :)