View from the top

It's been a great weekend and this post will be short :)  Soccer teams are set and Corbin will get to play with his buddies Luke and Thomas, and, I get to wear a coaches whistle (read: herd cats, manage the bucket of oranges, carry kleenex, tie shoelaces, think up fun awards, and give lots of high 5's).  Grandma is coming for a visit tomorrow and yesterday we skied.  Corbin has seen pretty much every kind of lift now: magic carpet, platter tow, t-bar, chair lift and his new very favorite - the GONE-DO-LA!  It's so much fun (except for the spring melt down that occurred on the last  bit of the last run and I'm not talking about the weather!).  It was a long day with a lot of mountain to cover for some 3 year old legs... I should have seen it coming.  Here's why I love living close to the mountains and no, it's not a fake background!

Domestic Enemies of the Adoptive Mom

As the ladies on www.rantsfrommommyland.com  say "OH EVEN YESSER!".  This is a blog entry that hits home to most of us out here in adoptive parents land.  I'm in the process of putting together a little ditty on my experience with the "stupid schmidt" that people say... stay tuned :)  Here is the link to their posting... and their blog... OH MY MAUD is it funny!!!  http://www.rantsfrommommyland.com/2011/04/domestic-enemies-of-adoptive-mom.html
On the home front, things are just bumping along.  Nanny is another step closer to arrival (on my top ten exciting things happening in my life list!), work is creeping ever closer to reality (oh to return to adult conversation, free lunch, rocking out in traffic to something other than "the wheels on the bus", mmmmmmm  STARBUCKS!!! oh yeah... and a pay check!!!), school's back in with another round of "playball" which is a glorified gym class where kids learn to kick, throw, jump, roll, run, hop... all at the sound of the whistle,  the weather is getting better all the time (the funk of the thick grey fog is lifting), Corbin has a "girlfriend" at school (maybe I should meet Hannah's parents since they have taken it to the next level by holding hands all the time???) and Corbin is officially eating me out of house and home.  They measured them at school the other day for a unit on measurements and he is 40.5 inches tall and is creeping in 40 freaking LBS (I re-weighed him at home since I know our scale is accurate and it peeled off a lb but 38 is why my arms hurt hauling him in and out of the car seat)!  Perhaps I should institute a goal of losing as much weight has he gains over the next while - like the scales of justice ;)  His favorite statement these days (and I have a funny video of it) is, "This is DEEE-licious! DEEE-licious Mama... DEE-licious!  I LOVE this dinner... it's my FAVORITE!!!  (note: he seemingly has a lot of favorites).    And for his closing act tonight, Corbin told me as he polished off his dinner, " Soon, I be big enough to drive and YOU sit in my special chair in da back"  (as usual his statement was ended with "All-wite Mama?") followed by, "Where are da keys?"...  Perhaps he should start with a 2 wheeler sans training wheels??? Yeah... I think we'll do that :)

Snowy's Special Secret

Today was beautiful... FINALLY!  It's been a long and cold winter and while I don't dare encroach anywhere near complaining (lest I be brow beaten with the statement of "I told you so" or "see, you didn't know what you were getting yourself into" or "I wondered how long it would be until you wanted your old life back") it's been an especially isolating time being at home.  Again, I wouldn't dare complain about having a year off to hang out with my son because I know how fortunate I am to be afforded this luxury BUT as a single parent, it's a shift.  I don't miss 99 OK more like 95% of the "stuff" but boy, when it's cold out and I've been house bound all day and the witching hour of feeding, bathing, story time and tucking in starts at 5:30 closely followed by lockdown after that, it starts to make a single girl feel a little like an island.  So with that said, the sun finally broke through in all its blue skied glory and gave us a couple of days of mud puddles, melting snow and glorious, glorious fresh air.  I still haven't figured out the trick to throwing the dogs ball in the snow (I've lost more than a few) but just going outside without 9million layers for 15 minutes felt like spring might soon be in the air.  Kudos to the SAHM's who enjoy years at home with their children but I'm not one of them... I've been a "working girl" for too long to give up the independence and fun of being a professional outside of the home.  I am so looking forward to having the nanny arrive so that I might remember the luxury of running into the post office without playing car seat scramble and 100 questions or what it's like to enjoy a drink with some friends without the mad race for home to relieve some friend who has stepped up to babysit or the sitter who should be at home in her own bed by now.  But I digress. We've been waiting for the right snow conditions to make a snowman and today was the day.  Corbin guarded the carrots like they were a prized possession and when I asked which one he wanted for our snowmans nose he told me, "No Mama, not one snowman, a snowman family!"  We talked about it and decided we would make our family - a Mama, a Corbin and of course a Lyric dog.  He has really started talking a lot about families lately.  He puts his trucks into families (all the tractors or all the cars) and makes sure his stuffed toys have their families with them at night.  He seems very proud of our family and told me one day at preschool pick up, "Our family doesn't have a daddy... but we have a Lyric and a Mama".  So today, as we made huge snowballs for our snow family I smiled.  Tonight at bedtime I brought out some new books that I dug out from the basement shelf (the upside to having so long to prepare for him coming home is the stashes of "things" that I bought along the way that I stumble upon).  There were 4 books and I had him choose which 2 he wanted to read.  One was, "Snowy's Special Secret".  I vaguely remembered buying the book in that it was a story about a polar bear cub and his Mother and something special that the boy does for his Mom.  To my surprise, the special secret that Snowy (the cub) makes for his Mother is a snowman family - him and his Mom... Corbin was delighted and with eyes as big as saucers said, "JUST LIKE US MAMA!!! HE MADE A SNOWMAN FAMILY JUST LIKE US!".   What a nice way to end my day... snowman family on our lawn and a boy dreaming of carrots and stone noses in the other room.  A good day - and finally some snowmen that we can be proud of :)

This one is for my Mom... finally... SNOWMEN just for you!

Corbin and his Lyric

I didn't plan on pictures but the neighbor came home so here I am no makeup and a ballcap - I think the snow rendition is a better looking gal!

Nine

Nine months.  The number of months a woman carries her child before welcoming him into the world.  Nine months.  Half the time my son spent in a baby home and half the time he spent in his birth family.  Nine months.  The number of months my son has spent here at home with me.  Just as amazing as the growth that occurs in a nine month pregnancy, it's been amazing to remember back to how much Corbin has grown and changed since being home.  Just today I was reminded by a team mate who hadn't seen Corbin since last summer just how much he's changed.  At first she didn't look to see whose child it was directing the group of boys in their game of chase and tag but laughed as he explained why it wasn't ok to go past the stairs to the others - "it's dangerous, noisy and my mom said no. We 'haffa play over there".  And off the troupe went.  She did a double take and picked up her jaw from the ground when he giggled and yelled, "MAMA!!! MAMA!!! That's MY MAMA playing soccer!" at me on the field knowing he was the quiet boy in the chariot from the summer sidelines after having just came home.  She just couldn't believe... he's grown so much and he never stops talking (I know... I know...).  I look back to the pictures on the plane and even listen to his little voice saying, "puppy, da... Mama...da... ooohhhhh Mama" in the video from 2 weeks home and am amazed.  Physical, emotional, confidence, language... exponential growth.  Part nutrition, part opportunity and part love (in no particular order).  I saw this little video and it first, makes me bawl and as I wipe my eyes... the last line of it gets me because that's my Corbin.  He's not the "little adopted kid from Russia" he's just a regular kid... and that is amazing.  When you start into this journey of adoption reading the books, blogs and websites (which by the way I can't recommend enough) you wonder how long it will take or how big the mountains might be that you will climb together as a family.  Nine.  Nine months... and he's just a regular kid.  I am so very very proud every day of my "regular kid".  That video is below... kleenex... you've been warned.

"Just" a regular kid

Distance makes the heart grow fonder

It's been stressful 'round these parts lately.  In a little more than 2 months I'll be back to work and all the required organization, finishing up and preparation is squeezing in.  No problem.  I'm on it.  Then there was a snag with my nanny application (I made an error) - no problem - I'm on it and things will be fine.  Then, I decide that it's time that I sell the home that my husband and I built which throws a bunch of emotional dust into the air.  I do my best to handle it.  Then, I take my friend and Realtor over to see the property and... my tenants have not been kind.  Every bit of flooring needs to be replaced... walls fixed... wood fixed... I just about cry.  That's it... end of my stress rope.  I wait until I come home to curl up in the chair and bawl!  Corbin crawls into my lap, wipes Mama tears with his hand and says, "You're dripping... Mama no crying - I kiss you and make you happy".  And I hugged him so tight.  I am all out of deep breaths at this point and perspective isn't something that I thought I could find... until my sister said she would take Corbin for the night and I could go get some air.  So I did.  I tucked him into his cousins bed on Sunday night and talked to him first thing in the morning... but he was too busy playing to notice.  Sunshine, skiing, fresh air... that always is a good day.  I have never skied with my iPod before but today, I didn't feel like making small talk on the chair lift - so I did what I said I would never do and tuned out or is that in?  The music helped to clear my head and then Mr. Chopra came on for a timely bit of perspective.  I started feeling better.  I logged some good mileage and my legs will thank me for it in the morning.   I wrapped up skiing and headed to Banff to pick up "a few of my favorite things".  Rocky Mountain soap shop - check, Evelyn's Coffee for a cookie and coffee - check, and a stop at the candy shop for a treat for my boy and a glorious, glorious surprise that made my day - check.  On trip one I lived on Tic Tac Bold fruit flavor and was so sad to find out they are discontinued.  Despite all of my efforts, there were none in the world (I even emailed TicTac to ask)...But today, lo and behold, there they were in all their glory. I bought pretty much every pack they had... oh yeah, and a semi truck pez dispenser.  I left Banff with a better attitude, clear head and a voice mail on my phone.  "Hi Mama, I miss you lots and lots.  I have BIG kisses and hugs for you.  See you in 3 minutes.  I love you!"... then my sister took the phone to ask me to let her know when I'd be back in the city.  That's a voice mail that's not getting deleted.  I got more than misty... I couldn't wait for him to come through the door and neither could he.  My sister told him to get ready to go and he said, "No, I stay here"... (uh oh... not a good sign for Mama!) to which my sister said, "But Corbin, Mama is waiting at home for you".   he responded, "where's my coat?" and headed right for the door.  He was so happy and cuddly to be home but told me all about his fun sleep over with his cousins.  We didn't read "2 books" tonight, instead we cuddled and talked... for about 3 minutes until he fell asleep.  I knew he'd be fine with the sleep over and all the fun times with the girls but boy oh boy, I haven't been that excited to see someone in a long time.  I waited at the window and couldn't pick him up fast enough.  In 2 days he'll have been home for 9 months.  He's had regular babysitters (albeit the strong majority is when he is already sleeping) and had one other sleep over but this one was a resounding success for everyone.  So now, I'm going to bed... after enjoying one more TicTac Bold :)

Photo Treasures

For whatever reason it took me until yesterday to develop the photos on the 2 cameras that I left behind for the 5 months we were apart.  I think mostly it was because I was gifted the 61 pictures from the Baba's of Corbin during his stay at Casa De baby orphanage.  I got to see so much of his life and times.  The pictures of him in his crib smiling up at the camera, the one of him hugging one of his little friends and especially the oldest ones from not long after he came to live there will provide him as much history and "baby pictures" as we will ever likely have.  So back to the new pictures.  More than anything, I got to see that they helped him to remember that he was loved by a Mama who promised to come back.  Now I can't say for certain that he remembered me when I walked in that sunny day in May but I can now see that they did their best to try to keep showing him the photo album I left behind.  There are probably 8 pictures of him on different days looking at the book.  For me, this is a little piece of mind in demonstrating again that they truly do care for their children and that they want to help them understand as much as they can about life going on around them.
One of the most profound questions I had during the wait was "will he remember me?" - I'll never truly know if he did - he came out to me, smiled shyly and took my hand.  At that moment, it no longer mattered if he remembered me - all we had was that moment... and every one after it.  When we were home for 5 months (the same amount of time I was gone between trips) I pondered the question of if he remembered Anna from Khabarovsk - she was with him for only a few days.  My answer was probably not.  But Anna didn't give him a photo album full of promise and hope for a forever Mama.  I'd hazard a guess that he probably didn't really remember me but now it doesn't matter a lick.

Walking vicariously down memory lane

I can't help but wonder when the vividness of my trips to Russia will begin to fade and the details will become muted, replaced by the simple fact that I have a son from Russia?  When will the sights, smells, feelings of excitement and fear, terror for the awful driver, remembrance of the bitter cold and then the stifling heat lose their poignancy only to be remembered as I pull up pictures from my time there?  Not today.  Today I waited excitedly for the text message saying my friend is on line with details of her own to celebrate - today she met her son.  And, oh what news and what a celebration it is.  We share some of the same details - single Mama, traveling alone, KLM, Amsterdam, Marriott in Moscow, little 2 year old boy to meet... so when she tells me her stories, I often have the pictures in my head to go with them.  I remember my moments while I anticipate the excitement of hers.  And her moments... her son... let me tell you... he is perfect and beautiful and healthy and that giggle... oh that giggle!!!  Technology is amazing that this could all be shared on line from a hotel room outside of Moscow.  This little boy is everything and more this Mama was hoping for.  The sweet look of contentment on her face as she watched her son proudly carry around his photo book with HIS MAMA and his new home - priceless.  As we hung up on Skype I was left to my own recollection of Corbin's baby home in Siberia, walking in for the first time, the smell of bleach, the silence and the clickity clack of my boots on the tile floor, the door to the visiting room opening and him being led in by his hand... and time standing still. 

Thanks to my friend for sharing her moment and giving me pause to remember the details of my own.  I plan to spend some time today walking vicariously down memory lane as I can close my eyes and remember just how amazing it felt. I've wanted this for you since we stopped sharing pseudonym email addresses and watched helplessly as your dreams crumbled, only to be built up again culminating in the wonderfulness of today.  I promised there would be a moment that everything would make sense - that you would recognize that you are EXACTLY where you are meant to be, and the boy in your arms was ALWAYS supposed to be your son... and today, you told me I was right (I LOVE being right!!!).   Sharing this journey has already provided so many memories and I can't wait for our boys to be friends who make so many more.  Here's to turkey jerky, piva, vada e gaz, early early mornings and best of all, here's to YOU AND YOUR SON!  And, one last word (cuz I like to get the last word... and it's MY blog.)  I'll leave you with a quote... from the queen of quotation (edit: it's not MY quote - from Facebook... and I modified it... for my son and for adoption - now it fits our families :)

I may never know the meaning of life, but once my son was adopted, I felt my life had meaning. 
With love, Stacey & Corbin

My apple tree

It's been said that the wind must have been blowing awful hard in Russia to carry that little apple from a tree WAAAAYY over there to the apple tree here, because it seems like my little apple didn't fall far from my tree.  I've always been "that girl".  The one who played with the boys and got scraped and bruised in the process but came home to dinner time tales of having beat Danny in a bike race down "killers hill" or climbed the highest in the pine tree playing hide and seek.  For me trying my best and going as fast as I could has always been my forte.  I didn't always win and the bruises might have been to my ego from time to time but I learned to be a modest winner who loved sport for love of the game and the feeling at the end of the day.  Whatever I did I did with a smile and the best prize was my coaches hand on my shoulder thanking me for working so hard. It's been that way with the little Russian since he's been home.  He just trys so very hard and those around him never go without noting the amazing smile constantly plastered on his face.  Nothing makes my heart soar more than seeing him smile and enjoy the things I love and his huge smile gets even bigger when I tell him how proud I am of him.

Corbin strapped on his skis for the first time before Christmas and it's been down hill from there.  Never without a smile, he tries his best every time out.  He's skied with me and took a set of lessons that culminated with me in happy tears as I watched him, his teacher Ed, and his ski school buddy Ian ride away from me on the chair lift.  After that came a crash course in me loading Corbin on and off the chair as I got to ski on the big hill with my boy.  I'm so very very proud of him.  Sorry for the video that might make you a little dizzy at times - my backwards skiing is coming along.  The only thing you'll miss seeing is the matching smile on MY face.   How did we end the day??? With PIZZA of course!  Me and C... we're going to make some incredible memories and miles in this life - I feel like we're off to a spectacular start!
Oh yeah - footnote: the term "Making Pizza" for kids learning to ski means pushing their heels out while keeping the tips of their skis together resulting in the shape of a slice of pizza which helps them to control their speed and turn.  ;-) otherwise known as a "snowplow".

My little skier at

Make video montages at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Life, laundry and the love of shoveling

The weather 'round here has been bizarre.  12 degrees Celsius one day, 8 inches of snow the next.  (Do you find it strange that as Canadians we flip back and forth between Metric and Imperial measurements without missing a beat.  Whatever.)  So that day I decide to do all sorts of outside things.  I strapped on the plastic hand guards (aka empty bread bags) and protective foot wear and waded into the dog run for a clean up.  Trust me, there is no quicker way to ruin an otherwise beautiful spring like day than cleaning up copious amounts of semi frozen dog turds.  Sure I still have to wipe little boy butt but ug... there was some gagging as I inadvertently could identify random things Lyric had indulged in (Tennis ball, lacy underwear (don't judge my laundry powress - I suck - and she found my white pile) and wooden train track just to name a few.)  This is an activity that doesn't require an audience or commentary but I had both.  The 4 legged turd producer stood guard at the top of the stairs flanked by her color commentary staff who gave directions and insight to my work.  I can't wait until he's old enough so that I can return the favor and give directions like "there is more Mama - get that one" or "It's yucky in Lyrics toilet - you clean it" After that it seemed fitting to reward my hard work with a nice BBQ of Corbin's most often requested meal "Hambuger and fwench fwies" (with a side order of Mama juice to toast the nice weather and hard work).  He was sitting at the table eating his salad and through a mouthful of spinach and tomatoes spewed, "DON'T TAKE MY FOOD OUTSIDE MAMA!!! WHERE YOU GOING WITH MY FOOD!!!" At that point it occurs to me that perhaps he didn't really remember me BBQ'ing in the summer but I flipped burgers with a smile and returned to a chorus of, "Where you cook my food Mama?" and "Deese Hamugers taste good from outside".  We woke the next morning to heaps of snow which for a 3 year old is a world of fun but for me means aw crap... I gotta shovel all that... TWICE.  It was good because it gave us a chance to practice the new found art of pizza making at the ski hill.  I'm not going to overstate his skills (or mine) - he's 3 - the fact that he LOVES skiing and tries hard to do what I ask is more than I could hope for and he does it with a smile.  The high 5's and cheers are more liberal and lo and behold, so are the snow plows.  Now back to the laundry for a moment because I have a question.  I'll admit, laundry has never been my forte - It gets washed but somehow gets stuck in a black hole between clean hamper and hangers.  This morning as I sorted through an inordinate number of dirty hampers I couldn't shake the question of, "Do tiny little white undies personalized by sir skid mark qualify as whites or darks?"  That may remain a mystery for life with the upside that by the time the bleach begins to fail me they are scheduled for being sized out and a new team of clearly white soldiers is phased in soon to befall the same fate of those gone before.  (EDIT: as I reflect on this statement I'd like to defend the wiper and my capabilities.  Over 37  a lot of years I believe I've mastered the art and when I leave him, the back yard is free from debris... perhaps the "wind" blows it in?)  As I sit now folding this heap, it's a little sad as I'm creating a pile of "that's too small" things I lovingly collected for years before Corbin came home.  He came home and I wanted so badly for him to eat and grow and prosper (and I still do) but in 7 months he has blazed from some stuff being 24mos to now wearing 3T all round.  So for those of you anticipating your little one coming home, don't blink. 

This blog entry was brought to you by the#6 which is the number of loads of laundry I've tackled today and the beep beep beep of my drier indicates that break time is over.  There is nothing more motivating than realizing that my supply of comfy yoga wear is all in the dirty pile and having your son go commando for the morning because the cupboard was bear of skid free undies.  And the cycle begins again. Stay tuned for more exciting adventures, next up is vacuuming and nanny recruitment (so excited and so close!).  Just a day in the life... of a suburban house wife.  Google it... I dare you ;)

Lucky #7

Today marks 7 months home for the little Russian.  With Corbin having a wee bit of a cold there was no monumental celebration outside of an extra long cuddle this morning and what was hoped to be a fun trip to the Children's hospital ended up with some sneaky needles that I wasn't prepared for.  After starting all of his vaccinations over again and the associated "welcome to Canada" we need to check you for everything under the sun set of vials drawn on the first visit, he can smell a needle coming from a waiting room away.  My poor guy cleared the clinic with his blood curdling screams and begging "no pokes today Mama".  It took 3 people to get the first one done and a "blue like Thomas" Popsicle to try and distract from the trauma.  After the hyperventilating and crying stopped we headed to what he really came to the hospital for... the big play room... which closed at 4.  I shrugged and thought why ruin another perfectly good day, lets go upstairs to the lab and endure another round of blood curdling "NOOOOOOOO MAMA!"  At least I gave the nurses fair warning.  All in all a very reassuring trip.  The IA doctor continues to be happy with Corbin.  She was shocked to see how much he's grown since he came home - 3 1/4 inches and 8 lbs!!! He weighed in at 36 1/2 lbs and 99cm.  No more extra cheese for you my little friend!!! The Dr. supports the idea of starting Corbin in Spanish language perhaps in the spring with a nanny and then preschool in the fall - we'll have to see if that works out.  Anyone care to chime in their IA child learning another new language and how that went?  So that's that.  Tomorrow he starts "play ball" so it will be interesting to hear the tales of new things learned.  Skiing he (no pun intended) turned a corner for a few runs last time out and actually made some pizza.  Every time  he sees the hill he tells me he wants to go to the top and go FAST.  He now understands that that won't happen until he can STOP!!!  We spent yesterday with the Russian welcoming committee having dinner and avoiding personal adoption conversations (which I'm getting better at doing).  Corbin still doesn't enjoy people talking to him in Russian and got very clingy which is so out of character but now he has the language skills to understand that WE are going HOME TOGETHER. 

In final news, Corbin's Dyeh-dushka Tony passed away after his brief but valiant fight against cancer.  The service was beautiful and a testament to the life he lived, those he loved and the memories he leaves behind. I am so lucky to have had him in my life for 15 years... I selfishly wish Corbin could have grown to know him too.  Rest well with the angels... you are in good company up there. 

Finally... I won't have to avert my eyes

It seems like forever since I've both waited in anticipation for and dreaded spring all at the same time.  For me, it was the return to the field that I loved spending time on since childhood and for my heavy heart, it was watching the parents in line at Tim Hortons getting their morning supply of double doubles and Tim bits while their children buzzed about in their tiny little jerseys and cleats kicking one another in the legs to see if their shin guards were installed properly without an ankle biter of my own.  I most often would avoid the fields by my house at dog walking time just so I didn't have to see them full of little bumble bees and springtime joy.  Today is the day I avert my eyes no more.  I hit ENTER and registerd Corbin for U4 soccer with his little neighborhood friends.  April 30th... Corbin will take the field, bucket full of sliced oranges and peanut free granola bars on the sidelines for halftime, and I'll smile.  April 30th... the day that for 12 years has been filled with tears and memories of the accident that took my husband away from being a Dad and me from cheering from the sidelines, will now also be Corbin's first day of soccer.  I'm looking forward to coaching, cheering, freezing my butt off and drinking baileys and coffee while encouraging the bumble bees not to bumble. 

Trip II and 6 months of adventures at home

I always planned on putting together a second trip video... but life got away on me. Here is trip II and some of the life we've lived / loved & laughed through since being home. Today seemed fitting to post this - Merry Russian Christmas. Thank you Father Frost - you knew just what I wanted and just where to find me.

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

So this was Christmas, 6 months and a blindside gift tonight

I can't wait for all you employed friends of mine to return to work - you have completely worn me out this Christmas season with the jaunting from one amazing dinner and visit to another, family visits intermixed with skiing amazing powder and the overwhelming amazement of Corbin's first Christmas. Words won't do the story and excitement of it justice but suffice to say that my house STILL needs to be put back in order after the mayhem of Christmas eve and day.  Santa hit the mark with everything he brought for my boy and he never forgot to say "hank you" which with a little extra effort becomes th-ANK YOU! Highlights were abound and this one came courtesy of my sister re-telling what was overheard in the stairway from the basement.  Corbin went shopping with my sister's family to buy Mama a present - he picked out "jammas and slippers!!!" and kept that secret for a grand total of about 5 seconds inside the door while taking his boots off.  My sister shrugged and said, "well, you don't know what color they are..."  On Christmas eve my sister took Corbin to the basement to wrap my gift.  He was proudly carrying it up to the tree when he stopped on the stairs, hugged the box, kissed it, and said, "for my Mama".  Another amazing gift brought to me courtesy of my tender hearted little boy.  Christmas morning... pure, unadulterated, screaming, tearing, happiness from every pore followed by sledding on his new GT snow racer and a very thankful Christmas feast shared with his cousins, Aunt, Uncle and Grandma. 

I'll spare the details of our ski trip except to say that it was one year before that I walked into the cold brick orphanage and met my son for the first time.  Nothing could touch that day but this year, the skiing was outstanding, meeting another Grandma and more family was touching but the highlight had nothing to do with any of that.  I got my first unsolicited (read: he didnt' just repeat it after I said it first) "I love you Mama" as he casually walked away.   I just looked at my niece and said, "that was a first" and smiled... a heart felt smile.  But wait, there's more.  That moments glory was overshadowed tonight.  Bedtime came early in an effort to return to our normal schedule and we cuddled in to read our "two books".  The second one is a single Adoptive Mom's staple - "I love you like crazy cakes" which is a story about the baby's adoption and how their family came to be.  We read it and talk about our story of airplanes, Russia, Canada, how we met, detsky dom's, and his friends he had in Russia.  He seems to get it and often will talk about the friends he remembers or make comments about being there that have to come from memory.  He told me tonight that he waited at the door and that I came back.  I hugged him tight and what came next as he cuddled into me made me bawl crazy happy tears.  "You are my best friend EVER" he told me... through happy tears I asked him, "who is your best friend?" and he answered, "Mama... YOU are my best friend... I love you.".  So, Ashton, even though you share your fun toys and my son adores you, I'm claiming this title for as long as he'll have me... Today was a red letter day :)  Happy New Year - 2010 will be hard to beat. 



Father Frost - Sled pulled by 3 horses represents "Past, Present & Future" in Russian folklore.

My friends Christmas miracle

The adoption landscape and timeline is a lonely and trying one for even the strongest of families.  When you are doing it alone it becomes even more barren.  When time frames, and circumstances draw out to the unbearable, loneliness and heartbreak can't even begin to describe the feeling not only at the end of the day but also the beginning and middle too.  This has been the case for a friend of mine for as long as I've known her.  Our paths initially crossed after "meeting" on FRUA.org given that we were both single and at that time, going to be in Moscow to process travel visas for our sons at the same time.  We were looking forward to staying at the Marriott together and toasting the end of one journey and the beginning of the adventure in parenthood.  This was not to be.  My friend who had met her son in February had 2 "postponed" court dates which dragged out into waiting for the bilateral agreement to be signed amounting to 10 months between trips.  Last Monday she got the devastating news that the MOE pulled her referral and were asking for a new family to be matched with him... all solely because she is single in a region that was burned by a single adoptive mother with no scruples or shred of humanity.  Can you imagine?  Giving your heart and soul to a boy you've held and loved to have him ripped from you after being approved previously due to nothing you have done?  And it's Christmas... Bah humbug is the most polite way to say all the bad words that seem fitting.  But here's where the miracle comes in.  Her agency kicked into overdrive - they are the best in the business.  As my friend grieved heavily the loss of her long awaited for boy, they were working feverishly to make things right and find the boy who would fill the crib and eventually her broken heart.  Friday just 4 days after her heartbroke, she got that call.  I am honored to be the one she shared this happy but confusing and hard news with.  How do you open your heart to fall in love with another beautiful healthy little boy after not being ready to let the other boy go?  Wow... that's complicated.  Slowly, gears began shifting and hearts warmed to the knowledge that perhaps this little boy is just what Christmas is about.  Way back when, it all began with a boy, and so too is "PopPops" Christmas beginning with a boy.  He's a raven haired spitfire.  All I can say is - wow... this little guy couldn't look more like a bio if that were a special request.  PopPop deserves every happiness and has shown incredible strength, resolve, dedication and unwavering love already in her quest to become a mother.  Any child would be lucky to have someone so willing and ready - this little boy has no idea how much he will be loved and how hard his Mama has worked to love him into reality.  May your Christmas be merry my friend and may your tomorrows be filled with the love you so richly deserve.  I hope your travels will be FAST and smooth and we can't wait to meet your new man somewhere on the beaches perhaps next summer. 
And that my blog friends is an amazing Christmas story.  A child finds a family, a Mama finds her son, hearts are healed, lives are allowed to be amazing, and a family is born.  Merry Christmas PopPop - You are an inspiration to me and I'm glad our paths have crossed. 

Awesome to be "average" + Sad news

Every day I pick Corbin up I think either a) I need to get some better upper body work outs in (perhaps shoveling snow?) b) I'm getting old c) Corbin is gaining weight by the spoonfull d) all of the above.  (P.S. if you aren't sure, always pick C)  I plunked Corbin on the scale again and he's sprung up to a whopping 35lbs which is 8 whole lbs gained in a year and 6 1/2 since he's been home.  This was also brought on by dressing him today in new size 3 jeans that were just a wee bit long last time and now they are just right.  The marks on the wall behind the bathroom door say he's grown 1.5 cm like 2 weeks.  This doesn't seem possible - I thought I must have made a mistake so I checked... and nope - no rocks in his pockets and he was in sock feet so... the measurements stand.  This puts him at 50% height and 65% weight.  Eating and growing... every AP's dream.  While I've never aspired to being average, this sort of average deserves a huge celebration. 

In the really awful "Grinch that stole Christmas" news department, we found out that Corbin's Grandpa Tony has Cancer... and it's not a gentle sort of Cancer that gives you a gut check and an opportunity to get better.  It's the kind that tells you that this will be your last Christmas and to love him as much as you can right now.  Corbin loves his "dyeah-dush-ka" and it is so very sad to know that he will miss out on growing up with this wonderful man in his life.  This summer Tony in the picture of health sat out back and blew bubbles with Corbin for an hour and brought him special dyeah-dushka tools so they could fix things side by side. Corbin tried to convince him that getting in his pool was a good idea and settled for being dried off after he got out and was freezing cold.  I hate that I'm going to have to figure out how to explain that someone he just started to love won't be here for long enough for me to think of the right words to say to explain why he's gone.  Tony is one of the great guys... strong, funny, silent more often than not, hard working, and has a huge love for his family... the world needs more Grandpas like that... life isn't fair... but it's good...
We will be spending Corbin's first Christmas at home and will see Tony and some of my in laws on Christmas eve day.  Bitter sweet celebration of life on two ends of the spectrum... my boys first real Christmas and what will very likely be Tony's last....
How do you end a post like that?  My Mother in Law needs all the strength and prayers she can gather - if anyone needs to catch a break in this life I'd vote her - Shirley you have carried an extra heavy load and if there were a way to lighten any of it I wish I knew how.  So I guess I'll end it by saying, I'll be saying a special Christmas prayer for Tony and Shirley... if you have a second... they could use yours too... now is a good moment - it will only take a second...

There's something about Starbucks

One year ago I was sad and certain that Christmas would be spent again dreaming of a faceless boy who would lay in in the empty bed in the prepared room across the hall.  I resigned to buying a small token of Christmas to recognize the significance of the season without resenting the hauling out and putting away of totes full of festive decorations.  I spent the evening quietly stringing popcorn alone to adorn the tiny branches of my tiny little potted evergreen.  I dreaded each call to my agency to get no update at all and always hung up the phone feeling empty... until today. 

One year ago I took the required deep breath and dialed my agency again looking for guidance and answers to the then pipe dream of "what if" a referral came at our Christmas.  Who would be in the office to pass this on to my provincial director who was authorized to advise me that I had a referral?  I was assured that my agency would pass the information along but told to phone the director at the government to find out their Vacation protocol.  It was about noon and begrudgingly I called her.  I began some scripted rant explaining that Russia runs on the Orthodox calendar and that it could happen... a referral on Dec 25th while we are all enjoying turkey with our families.  She patiently waited for me to take a breath and interjected, "I hope that isn't an issue for you since I'm looking at your referral on my desk".  I was speechless.  We all wait for "THE CALL" and it turns out I had accidentally made it.  It was Monday and they had received the file at end of day on Thursday but were waiting for more info and photos.  I remember where I was - main drag of our city with a population of 1million plus and a semi truck behind me on snowy Canadian roads.  I hung a sharp right with a brief lip service to my turn signal, cut said semi truck off and 2 wheeled it into the conveniently located Starbucks parking lot.  Wifi is free and I was alone and numb.  In the world of IA from Russia on the FRUA board "going to Starbucks" is synonymous with getting "the call".  How apropos that I found myself in their parking lot again?  This time there would be no call to friends or family... I needed to process this info on my own and after falling head over heels for my first referral, I was scared - no terrified of what if I have to say no again?  I cautiously connected and hit receive about a dozen times waiting for a short medical and this...

I didn't know how to feel.  I had my checklist in hand and growth chart beside me in a file.  Current stats great... 30% height & weight, HC fantastic 80+ percentile, Apgar 9 /10... Philtrum - check, lip - check, eyes not too far apart and not too small  - check, no cupped ears - check, no funny bushy "clown" eyebrows - check (all in the rambling research I'd done on FAS facial features - by no means scientific... just what I was ready to look for)... still numb. One black and white photo I'd reviewed before on the data base on my regular perusals.  One sad looking little boy with tears in his eyes (perhaps because his pants were pulled up to his armpits?) that I later learned had arrived at the orphanage for the first time earlier that day to have his mug shot taken and the look on his face is one of confusion, sadness, fear, hunger and grief.  I honestly couldn't even feel anything - not is he cute? Not what do I think? Not a single thing other than I need to wait for more information and I'd better call Dr. Bledsoe.  On the road 2 days later after getting comfortable with the fact that I'd travel mid January if I accepted ( it was Wednesday at about 10 am)  I received a call indicating that the additional photos had been sent and was asked if I could travel before the end of the year.  It was Dec. 16th... I'd need to be on a plane in a week with a processed travel visa.  My head spun as I again made arrangements to Wifi at Starbucks, this time with my Mom to review the additional info.  I opened these photos and in all honesty... still felt numb and scared. 

There was no elation, there was no relief... there was no OMG!!! this is it!!! I was so afraid of feeling hope and excitement... afraid of feeling anything.  But, for the very first time I allowed some Merry into my Christmas and allowed myself a glimmer of "what if?".  I remember that I had the Mariah Carey song "All I want for Christmas is You" on my blog at the time... and there you were, at Starbucks staring back at me.  A year ago today, our lives together began.  2 days later after a resounding "Go Get him" from Dr. Bledsoe, on the 16th I said my first big DA! and the wheels began turning to bring you home forever.  I will never forget the words that Dr. Bledsoe said over and over, "Stacey, there is something in his eyes... he's a RESILIENT LITTLE RASCAL..." over and over "RESILIENT LITTLE RASCAL" he will adapt, adjust and he will make it... some kids have it and some don't - I don't think I'm wrong about him... it's there for sure... Well, she couldn't be more right.  I am blessed every day with a child who never missed a beat in adapting to me or his new world.  I can't say that there are (or even were?) any "orphanage behaviors" or lingering adjustment at all - he just never looked back. 

A lot has happened in one year.  Today we will visit Santa for your very first picture on his lap, do some more skiing, and ceremoniously I'll wrap your very first Christmas gifts and lovingly place them under OUR tree... because forever, this day will be reserved as the day my tree was full up with forever... it became full up with the best gift I will ever receive... it is full up with the gift of you. 

Random

Wow... it's busy.  From son up to son down I'm on the go.  Gone are the silent moments (admittedly I get a few two days a week when he goes to preschool now) and my time is filled full up.  I'm not complaining... and yes, I did anticipate pretty much all of the busyness but ahhhhhhh crashing in bed at night never felt so good.  I take my Mama time to play soccer and hockey but find I'm having trouble just winding down even there because I'm so damned competitive - tonight, I made sure I actually was breathing on the bench at our game.  I do need to slow down a bit and remember to breathe but everything seems to be done at flat out speeds these days.  Speaking of flat out speeds, that's the perfect segue to our ski adventures.  Corbin literally jumps into things with both feet - there is no part of this boy that stays on the fence.  His ski boots were installed in the parking lot and he couldn't get locked and loaded fast enough.  He is enthralled with the groomers on the hill but his focus was clearly on how to get back to the magic carpet as fast as possible from the top.  Enter exhibit A and B - A was controlled and B... well... the Russian judge gives him a 10 for style points and I laughed all the way down the hill (so did the liftie!). Every time he got to the top of the magic carpet the liftie would shake his head and say, "he still has the biggest smile I've seen all day out here" and that lasted until we packed it up to go home.  He loves it and I'm so glad he does!  There was a mother of the year moment on the hill too which I will neglect to post the associated video to but suffice to say, there was some excessive speed, lack of "making of the pizza" (read: braking), a magic carpet gone wrong and reactionary crying but in the end, the smile stayed plastered on and a good time was had by all. It will be wonderful to watch him get stronger and manage his overconfidence.  Learning the basic snow plow could be a bit of a challenge! Today... who needed to snow plow???

OK I couldn't figure out how to put it here but it's the ski video that is somewhere else!

I have been fortunate to have captured some amazing photos since we've been home.  Here are some wonderful ones that a photographer who I came to know through the endless document requests from my bank offered to take for us since we didn't have many with Lyric our dog.  There are so many to choose from - but 2 is enough. 

 What else have we been up to??? Well it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas and this year, there is truly no place like home for the holidays.  Corbin was enamored with the lights and the various decorations that he got to help put on.  I was so excited to get out the Russian ornaments I bought on trip one (since it was Christmas after all!) and then to pull out the BEAUTIFUL Father Frost carving that I bought in Moscow.  To me, this photo says contentment.  It's the first time in 3 years that this house has held a tree...

And finally, after another friend commented to me on how much bigger Corbin seems to be I popped him on the scale and measured him up.  He's now 34 lbs and 38 1/2 inches tall... I'm pretty sure he's in a growth spurt because tonight he ate more than I did and then had chocolate pudding for dessert. 

Well, it's war and peace again but like I said, it's busy and the wonderful moments keep coming!

I SKIING!!!

First day skiing - thank goodness he loves it!

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