Sunday, March 29, 2009

Empathy and Validation - beautiful words

I fired off a quick note on Friday to my SW to ask if families waiting in Perm were being advised of registration options in the new regions and I was surprised and really relieved at the response I got. Not really in terms of what I have as options (that is still TBD) but in the recognition of this statement, "To be honest, I am surprised given your age request it is taking as long as it is, but again...we cannot predict or control, all we can do is advocate for our families, which is exactly what we are doing." I exhaled... a big long sigh of relief. There are times I feel a bit judged in this journey when I tell people about being frustrated at the length of the wait so far and I get the reply of, "it's only been 6 months" which is true... only 6 months is short for those looking for "AYAP" or "AYAP / AHAP" or potentially the longest wait "healthy female under 12 mos". It felt like my feelings that I am asking for a boy - an "older" boy were being dismissed and lumped in with families waiting for healthy infant girls. Now I am certainly not suggesting that their waits are any different or any less torturous - just that the expectation was set up front that it would take longer. Friday night, my SW showed me the empathy and validation that I have been needing to make the wait bearable. I think I may have gotten my second wind.
So with that, we are now exploring new options: Saratov, Pskov, Tula and Khabarovsk. I have no idea what the merits of these region are or if I should simply ask to be registered in Vladivostok where there seems to be stable consistent referrals. Time will tell in the direction I go from here and it sort of feels like starting out from square one again with a whole new unknown region where I could sit and wait another 6 months... but if I do, that's another 6 months closer to my son than I am today... and I'm already a year closer to him than when I started this journey last year. So I'm hoping for advice and insight on what to do next? I've joined the yahoo groups and asked the question on line... no one seems to have heard of the smaller regions... I guess it's perspective really??? Scary and un-nerving or one heck of an adventure to my son? I'll take the adventure EVERY time. One foot in front of the other... one day closer to you xoxo.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Uncle... there I said it.

I give up all control... or perception that I ever had any in this process. Uncle. I give.
Last week I was told that St. Petes was open for my agency - final stages - rubber stamping and it would be active soon. This week... "Novosibirsk and St. Petersburg are not regions that are favourable for international adoption, so we have decided not to pursue these." I'm not exactly sure what that means given other agencies are successfully bringing children home from these regions... but the monthly update doesn't give details... just facts. More "facts" that I got in the email, "We are hopeful that proposals will be coming in the next few months from Perm and Nizhniy Novgorod, and have information from our facilitators in these regions indicating this. Please note that expected wait times continue to increase from time of dossier submission to Russia. It is now estimated over 12 months wait for a proposal any child under the age of 7 from the time your dossier is registered with the Ministry of Education in Russia." Which seems more like a "CYA" statement than anything to keep waiting families from freaking out over the wait since they have a handfull of families approaching the year long wait for INFANT GIRLS not a boy up to 4... but that doesn't seem to matter anymore... blanket statement of expect to wait a year or more which seems to indicate for me not to expect a referral in the aforementioned "referrals in the next few months". Did you hear the air whizz out of my balloon of hope? It did. Funny - I started out with a 4 - 6 month wait time line... I'm at 5 months and am now told 12+ months... I used to hope that I might travel before Christmas '08 on a first trip... then I started hoping he would be home for the warm summer... then I hoped he'd be home this fall for my birthday... now I wonder if I'll even travel before the end of '09. This is nuts. But I have no hand as Seinfeld would say... So what now? Besides banging my head on the wall, how do I make decisions for work (assignments / training etc. that would make me look foolish if I take on and then bail on), for vacation (I'm going to need a rubber room if I save my vacation until the end of the year in hope that I might travel in '09 but don't) and for life... It seems the only news I get from the agency is email updates increasing wait time and giving vague reference to someone might get a referral sometime in the distant future... and we might register a copy of your dossier in a new region but don't call us... we'll call you. I know nothing about the new region Khabarovsk except that it's far away from Moscow by Vladivostok. Still pouting... as the song goes, second verse, same as the first, a little bit louder and a little bit worse. But no one is listening... and my agency doesn't seem able to do anything about it even if they wanted to listen. Exploring the idea of seeing what other Canadian agencies are saying. One in particular has exceptional in country contacts... something I'm wondering if my agency is lacking.
Now just when it seems that I'm all doom and gloom... I get it. Somewhere deep in the frustration of it all I know that these delays and moments are built in to ensure that my son finds his way home to me... but like the 3 year old at the grocery store who's just been told he can't have the candy bar... BUT I WANT IT NOW!!! I've really come a long way since those cash line tantrums haven't I.