Monday, March 1, 2010

Lobotomy anyone?

Some days are better than others, unfortunately, today wasn't one of them.  I guess there's not a lot you can do about the ebb and flow of emotions on this ride.  I've learned to just crank the seat belt on and hold tight - this too shall pass.  While there are parts of the wait after you have met your child that (at least for me) are easier, I'm coming to terms with the parts that are harder too.  For me, the not knowing just about killed me.  The no name face, the uncertainty of the region, the age, his health... all of it was overwhelming and alone feeling.  There were many days that I didn't know if it would happen - if I'd have the endurance to wait out getting the call.  When it happened, it was like a huge wave of relief washed over me and I finally exhaled.  It felt good to know his name and talk about HIM in perfect descriptive whole REAL terms... he is alive and well and going to be mine.  The novelty of that has apparently started to wear off. 
Now, the hard parts are different.  I don't wait anxiously for some tidbit of news - I can't be appeased by trying to read between the lines and thinking that a referral MIGHT be coming... now I want facts and I want efficiency and I want to manage the process because it can be managed (to a certain point).  I no longer count the wait in terms of months or years, I count the passing of time in days and by the number of hours they missed the courier by.  I count the days on the calendar and calculate the "if it's" every which way 'till Sunday... I count the nights I don't get to tuck him in and the days wasted to someone not knowing the answer or not approaching the process with the same huge sense of urgency as I do.  I pace a lot - not necessarily on the floor but in my head.  It's not quiet up there - I'm scrambling... when all there really is to do is wait. 
My documents were to go out today to Khab... I'm not sure that they did.  If they didn't go out, they should tomorrow but it takes 4 days to get to the region which will likely make it not until next week... Monday is a holiday... Tuesday the facilitator leaves for Moscow to complete the process for Michele and her family who are over bringing their son home... which means it might not make it to translation until she gets back... but I don't know that for sure... I just know that I hate wasting precious time.  It's been 2 months now and there are other families headed back to their children in 3 months... but I won't be.  There is nothing that I could have possibly done any more quickly - no one caused a delay, nothing had to be re-done... so why does it take us a month longer???  I don't know but right now it gives me something to be mad about... because if I'm not mad... then I'm just plain old sad and missing my little blond boy with the biggest blue sparkling eyes. 

Whew... It's been 2 months... how am I going to make it another 6 or 8 weeks??? Give me strength... Give me strength (and perhaps a good solid dosing of red wine???)
Miss you like crazy tonight... is there a doctor in the house who could perform a temporary lobotomy... oh say for about 5 or 6 weeks???
I hope that in my little guys case that ignorance is bliss.  I hope he's sleeping like an angel tonight having sweet dreams - OK actually he's probably eating lunch right about now and getting ready to have quiet time and a nap - but I hope that while I want him to remember me, I don't want him to be sad wondering when it will happen like me... Ignorance would be bliss.  That lobotomy is sounding better all the time.


Tracey and Chuck said...

Thinking of you.....Hang in there!!!! You are feeling all the feelings we all do during this wait time!!! I too wondered, why does everything take so long...why oh why are these other families getting back quicker and we did everything possible to get things done quickly but yet we still wait!!! Use this time to rest.....because once he gets here.....the word "rest and sleep" is a word of the past!! :))

Shelly and Steve said...

Can I get in on that labotomy?? Or at least the red wine!!! Hoping the wait is not much longer and we are tucking them in at night after a nice warm bath, with full bellies, and lots of hugs and kisses.

Jojo, Julz, Julianne said...

After a week or so home, I stopped looking at my gals photo..It hurt too bad..The only thing I can say is that when you get the call, you will be sooo excited.
When you see him again, your heart will melt. And when he is yours you will forget time ever existed before him. And all will be forgotten except the now...Just take really deep breaths and sigh a lot.
It gets the stress out!!

Anonymous said...

Adoption is so hard... the waiting is even harder.

Christine said...

Big hugs Stacey. We have a daughter originally from Khab.
Back in 2005 we had 17 weeks between trip one and teo. THe wait is so hard-- I know. Hang in there.