I don't know how to find any motivation for work when I keep trying to check out and into the world of mommy. I don't want to launch new drug indications, or patient programs, or phase 5 practice reflective trials... I want to wipe his nose and rock him to sleep. I don't know how to do this anymore. My tank of optimism is empty... all that's left is fumes. I'm tired of trips down memory lane and being so optimistic that I make myself pukey... merry freaking sunshine is a liar.
I also wish I could block specific IP addresses from visiting my blog. You pretended to be nice before and now I see you visit still just to stalk what's going on - I wish you wouldn't bother to snoop -. Yup. I'm grumpy. And likely will be for about 8 weeks.
My mom told me when I was little - if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. I think I better be quiet for awhile... until I have something good to say.
Ciao.
EDIT: To clarify - no no no... it's certainly not those who come to read, learn, support, laugh... it's not you at all. I often read without posting so I don't mind that people do that as well. My thoughts are to one specific lurker who chose to be very rude to me and was wrong about many of her accusations and thoughts but still stalks by to see what is going on... Just for clarification: my facilitator AND my agency have cautioned me about those people who contact their facilitator directly which supports my comment that it is frowned upon at best and at worst illegal for direct contact no matter who initiates it. Other regions at other times may have allowed this to happen but I did not make it up and am not being lied to - it is not condoned to be in direct contact. Is it done? Absolutely. Should you shout it from the roof tops - no... use your inside voice. On another issue, I spoke to other families in Khab about the cost of their drivers and it ranged from $150 / day for translator/driver team with a minimum of 10 days, to $90, to $70 to $10 / hour... so we are NOT being robbed by some family organized mafia. Hope that clears the air.
14 comments:
Hang in there Stacey, I know how hard this is for you. I am thinking of you.
My heart is aching for you....just know that I am thinking of you!!!
I'm feeling your pain right now and I'm grumpy too! Paperwork delays are driving me insane and I hate it that there's not a thing I can do about it. I just have to sit and wait and hope somebody does their job - ugh!!
Stacey - I'm with you. This is SO hard. We've had documents vaulted back at us by the judge numerous times now and I feel the same way as you. I can't focus on anything else. Everything seems like it's on hold, except the calendar pages keep turning and we KEEP LOSING TIME wth our children! They need to be HOME and not where they are. I'm so sad that we can't get to them! I'm hoping for some kind of "known" for us both soon because this unknown is simply unbearable.
hang in there stacey!!! i know your journey has been a long (and frustrating at times) one, but you have to know the light at the end of the tunnel is closer than it seems. as i've said before, just when you think things aren't going as fast as you want him - the call comes with good news. so, even though they are telling you a time frame, it could change. i know nothing anyone says now can change things for you or bring your son home now, but i'm sure we are all thinking about you and praying that it happens soon. that could be why people just check on you and don't leave comments all of the time - maybe they don't know what to say, but want you to know they are thinking about you?!?! just a thought :) hang in there
Thinking of you...this is so draining, I know.
Stacey,
I found you through Julianne's blog and adopted from Khab myself. I am so sorry to hear about the delays. There is absolutely nothing worse than total lack of control you have during this process and the lack of a sense of urgency on the part of the people you are dealing with. It makes you want to scream and lose it. Actually, I did and that was on my second adoption when I theoretically should have been better mentally prepared. I had a screaming fight with someone in my office, a Lufthansa gate agent, and our in-country coordinator. And, I have to add that I am not a screamer and not an emotional person (at least not in every day life). I really enjoy your blog and have been rooting for you. I am so sorry for what you have been going through and I am thinking about you.
Hilary
Hello!
I am not sure how I stumbled upon your blog, but I have enjoyed reading it. You have a very inspirational story. We have been through this twice, so I know the struggles and delays intimately. I wish you the best of luck and am looking forward to the day when you bring your precious son home! You have a lot of people rooting for you in cyberland!
Lisa
Stacey...
SO not what you wanted to/needed to hear. You have waited with the patience of a saint for much longer than the rest of us would have been able. Go ahead and be grumpy and crabby. You deserve a pity party once in a while when you are this patient.
Know there are many of us quietly waiting in the wings, cheering you on silently, KNOWING it will come...and PRAYING it comes sooner rather than later.
I'm sorry Stacey...no words to help you feel better. Just know that you are not alone.
You are venting for the rest of us--thank you! So much easier to handle waiting when there's a good reason for it vs. the paperchase. I just tried (some days way easier than otehrs) to believe that the timing was happening for some reason i might never know but was all part of what's meant to be.
Stacey~ I'm thinking of you...
Every time I get really, really sad about this never-ending process, I hop in a hot bath with a big glass of red wine. Doesn't make the hurt go away, but my heart isn't racing so fast and I am better able to turn my brain "off" for just a little while and "be". I hope you find just a little peace for yourself while you wait the impossible wait. Everyone is rooting for you to go back and get your son ASAP.
So sorry Stacey, I know its sooo frustrating. We had to wait 4 months to get Dima and it was a crazy time. I would just daze at work. The crazy part is that we would have gotten him a month earlier if they just did the head scan they promised, but it took them 4 weeks, even with direct contact in Russia with our translator who kept saying 'next week'. I even offered to pay for it. Its just crazy that they don't speed things up. Hang in there and let yourself have the grumpy, bitchy days. Take care.
I'm a single mom to my son adopted in 2006 from Russia. I am waiting for a referral for my second son from Vladivostok Russia. I enjoy reading your blog and admire your faith and determination. Please don't let rotten, mean spirited people bring you down. They are miserable. I do hope times goes by faster for you. I know the waiting is hard but you will be together soon. Good luck to you!
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