In a Funk... but not feeling funky

Well, we are almost 2/3 of the way through the 2009... In a month and a half I'll have been registered in Russia for one year. Oh the innocent optimist I was this time last year giddily waiting for my dossier to be registered in Perm dreaming of maybe traveling before Christmas '08 LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!! I look back over my time line - I started conversations with my home study agency January 2008 and waited for the IA course in March to get things rolling for my home study. All tallied, that's 18 months in process... 2 pregnancies worth of process and pains. I guess that's why I feel worn out and weathered. It's to the point that friends are afraid to ask how things are going or any news... probably because I've started bracing them for the likelihood that this process will undoubtedly push well into 2010. There has been NO indication to hope much less expect any sort of movement from Perm... eggs are being carefully transferred to my awaiting basket in Khabarovsk with a caveat that I won't actually be registered there for another 10 weeks or so (it will take them that long to process / translate / notarize etc the documents). It has taken a ridiculous amount of time to update / approve the addendum of nothingness and get an actual, accurate and mistake free list of documents from my agency. Good thing I learned to proof read... I've caught errors before they got to Russia and caused delays... yet I sit, waiting, behind where I was this time last year and certainly lower in hope and anticipation. His bedroom furniture arrived on my birthday (October) last year... my basement is full of toys, clothes, books, travel gifts, and little boy stuff. I've read books, learned some Russian, researched, learned, listened and asked... Now what? I'm discouraged and don't know quite how I'll make it through to the end. Optimistically, if I'm registered late October, they say "a few months" for referral putting me into 2010, travel Jan / Feb, 4 months between trips, maybe court in June... home next July??? Best case scenario I'll have been in process 31 months. Hmmm... I guess that likely could mean that my son wasn't even born when I started this process... Wow... this is gonna take some endurance. And it's hard... it's hard to watch people in the adoption world who I've become cyber friends with bring home baby after being registered for a few months, or weeks... it's hard to watch others agencies make things happen out of concern that their families have waited for 6 or 7 months for a referral... and I'm almost at 11 and know that it will likely be 15 or 16 months by the time I get a referral of an older toddler boy... and that's not to say that I will be able to accept... There was a time that I would amuse myself with checking my voice mail just in case I got "the call"... now, I can't remember the last time that even crossed my mind. It just seems so far away and remote... I don't even know what to ask anymore... "sometimes I sits and thinks... sometimes I just sits". Will this ever come to the happy ending I visualized so vividly a year ago??? How to I fill another almost year??? Will I ever be able to park in my garage again? What happens if I hate the things I bought for him by then? It used to be fun and exciting to imagine the what ifs... now I feel like the fun police sucked all the joy out of this journey. UGGGG!!! Calgon take me away... :)

Fun stuff tonight

Everyone needs a little bright spot from time to time and I'll take my moments gladly! Tonight I took Lyric for a nice walk, coffee and ball toss to a park we haven't been to in awhile. While it is very close, we just don't walk there that often. We turned the corner, coffee in hand, and what to my wondering eyes did appear, but a new K-4 school for my little boy - I cheered!!! Wow. What a blessing this will be for us! It is literally a 10 - 15 minute walk or a 3 minute drive from my front door. It will be brand new and ready for him when he's old enough to go! So there - that's my bright moment. That and the photos that JoAnne sent me from baby Becketts baptism trip. I love love love them so I'll post a few here! All that and I jumped directly off the crazy spring board into the deep end with a far fetched stab at figuring out Lyrics allergies (I'm not ready to admit publicly what I did... until I know it worked - then I'll fess up!). Cross your fingers, say a prayer, send up some smoke signals... but I need her to be well (I can't afford her meds AND this adoption (kidding... sort of... no really... I'm kidding - but wow is it expensive and uncomfortable for her).
Happy Sunday!

Summer is a beautiful time to have to wait

Well, I guess it's been a month since I've posted and that makes me feel a little obligated to find something to say. Hmmmm - it's been a busy time socially for me - not so much in the adoption though. Adoption update first: it took almost 3 weeks for my HS agency to process and submit my update. No real reason why... and when I did go in to sign off on it, it was formatted all over the place - completely illegible. I contacted the director of adoptions at the government and it was reworked and sent off the following day BUT now I'm waiting for approval and for things to be sent to my agency to start getting things finished up for my new dossier for Region #2. If things go smoothly, I could be registered in Khab sometime in late September (after completing my updates and new dossier for the new region) In some good news, my agency did receive referrals for siblings and said that the facilitator has received 2 other referrals that she turned down before even passing them on to the agency due to health reasons. So, maybe things are moving in Perm??? Time will tell.
On the social side, I went out to Ottawa to visit Jo, Cam and new baby "B" for his baptism. I was so honored to be his GodMother - it really makes me feel like I must be doing OK in this life thing if someone would choose me out of all the important people in their life to stand up and say I'll be the best role model I can for their son :) Getting out East makes visiting with friends I don't get to see easier and spending a couple hilarious days with my friend Jay was a highlight too. From there, it was a couple of days in Banff for "work" meetings and then out to Shushwap Lake for my annual Canada Day vacation. My niece and I always have a great time sunning, boating and wakeboarding with Kari & Matt's family. Everyone did fantastic behind the boat and learned some new tricks that they couldn't do before... and this year I didn't have to wash Advil down with beer following any 'stunts' on the water! Now, I'm back home to Stampede mayhem. For those of you unfamiliar with Stampede, it's 10 days of pure debauchery... rodeo, fair, parties, pancake breakfasts, parades, parties, fireworks every night, parties, corn dogs, mini donuts... concerts... and then exhaustion. I'm generally pretty tame and have only been to two events... but I don't bounce back like I used to (and Lord knows I need to bounce!).
So... that's that - not much but I guess it's summer and it's a good time to have nothing really new to say?

Addendum of nothingness

Ground hog day... mulligan... snakes and ladders... Call it what you will or title it something fun to make the fact that it's been a year since my homestudy was completed and I really felt like things were getting going in the adoption department... yet today... there has been no movement at all. I am at exactly the same place as I was a year ago. I sat with my social worker today to update my home study. I don't think she found it amusing when I told her that the only things that have changed in the past year is that Chuck is gone, I've planted a tree on my lawn and planted 150 bulbs in my garden but that I didn't think the Russians would find that noteworthy. My agency is re-doing my dossier to submit to Khabarovsk and told me that it will take 8 -10 weeks before it will be ready for submission. I'm waiting on clarification on exactly why it takes that long... my home study is already translated so that shouldn't take up time... they notarize my documents in house in a day... and then send things to be legalized etc. at the Russian embassy. Whatever. The net net is that with waiting for my addendum of nothingness will be sent out by the end of next week to the provincial government and await rubber stamping that what made me a fit applicant last year still stands for this year (probably another week) and then my agency can start putting together my new dossier (which they are charging me 2K to do)... So, with any luck, I MIGHT be registered in Khab by the middle of September. BUT... the good news is that the facilitators say that referrals are coming most often in a few months from registration... uh huh... I'd like some clarification on that to know just where that data comes from AND the fact remains that, from the middle of September "a few months" means I won't be traveling until 2010 to meet my little guy... with the Christmas shut down it will likely be February... Khab is known for difficult paperwork process with the judge and that it takes 2 -3 months for a court date... SOOOOO with that math, it looks like best case scenerio I could be home with my son next June... Wow... so much for Merry Christmas or Happy Easter... nice... but I guess it's better to know. The million dollar question is: when do you tie a knot in the end of the rope and hang on and when do you let go and grab onto a new rope???
In other news, 2 single gals brought home their children this week. I've shared their journeys to their families and am thrilled for them both and their new son and daughter! Congrats Iradia and Silvana and their babes Valeria Sophia and Aleksander!!! Welcome home!!!

My "adoption clock" is ticking

I had to say goodbye to my first real live in the flesh friend who successfully adopted from Russia the other day. Their little boy lay sleeping like an angel while we chatted about life, love and the pursuit of adoption happiness. They got caught in the re-accreditation mess and waited an eternity to go to their son and bring him home. I can't imagine how hard that must have been holding his beautiful picture and waiting for 5 or 6 months to travel on the first trip... but, like taking off a bad pair of shoes that have been killing you for blocks while they cut into your feet and give you painful blisters... when they are off... it's over. Being barefoot never felt so good... just like holding your child and rocking him to sleep will make this hard time vanish in a snuggle. So here is is... pretty much June 1st... 8 months have quietly passed in my wait. It's now been well over a year since I started with the journey and it's been over 10 years since adoption has been on my mind. Like my friend Courtney and I laughed about the other day... my adoption clock is ticking. My girlfriends and I joke about 'biological clocks' but for those of you who've never contemplated an adoption clock... it ticks EVERY bit as loud lol. So, in an effort to be a bit lighter than the grumpy, irritated, crusty, boob I've been lately around here, here's what I know in the "good" camp. Perm is rumored to have referrals coming - perhaps a couple for my agency. No indication whatsoever that they might be for me. In fact, I've been advised to update my now outdated home study so that I can be officially registered in Khabarovsk. The upside to Khab is this: there are many pages of boys in my age range on the photo listing page (with all the limitatons of the site duely noted). They look healthy (unlike many in Perm).
By virtue of the location (far East by Vladivostok), there are not many agencies that work there. In the Yahoo group, everyone talks about how caring and kind and well run the orphanages are. So with that update... lets leave this on some good news. I'm in the process of having my Home Study updated and then will go through the hoops of being registered in Khab... I don't know what that means in terms of wait... does the adoption clock get re-set to zero and I start out again? My family was here for a BBQ for my nephews high school graduation last week and someone asked how things were going... before I could answer, my mother in law answered, "He might be 25 by the time he gets to Canada..." Which everyone laughed at because someone quipped about mail order grooms in the background... very funny... very very funny.

So in the mean time, I dusted off his bedroom set that's been in my garage since last October, re-arranged some of his things stacked neatly in my basement and spent some time wondering just where in the great big ol' USSR you are??? For now, it's all good.

Did I choose the wrong Canadian Agency?

Well, another month has passed. It's now almost 7 that I've been waiting in Perm. That wait in and of itself would be OK if there were communications that indicated there is momentum and reason to be hopeful... but there is not. Since late December '08 they keep saying new regions are opening and families with dossiers registered in Perm will have the opportunity to move... well, I'm still waiting for them to call with any sort of specific news other than semi monthly generic updates that go out to all of their adoptive families. I know that the photo database is not a comprehensive nor accurate portrayal of children available for adoption but it has to be representative of a good proportion of boys there... and it is not pretty. The majority of the little guys in my age range (up to 4) have visible disabilities. My agency has facilitated probably only around 6 or 8 Russian adoptions in the last year - all but one from Vlad and only one from Perm. Meanwhile, I have consulted with the other agencies and they cite having been active in completing 30+ families in 8 months. I know it's a bit of a crap shoot depending on region but they work in busy ones... not like my guys. I am starting discussions on starting over with another agency. My requested child criteria are not difficult to fill and I can't help but wonder if going with an agency who has momentum and experience in their regions trumps the cash / time I've invested languishing in a dead region with the promise that they will be working in new ones "soon" where they have no more of an idea that it will be better than Perm or that their new facilitator will have any sort of relationshps to start from... Any thoughts or advice???

Empathy and Validation - beautiful words

I fired off a quick note on Friday to my SW to ask if families waiting in Perm were being advised of registration options in the new regions and I was surprised and really relieved at the response I got. Not really in terms of what I have as options (that is still TBD) but in the recognition of this statement, "To be honest, I am surprised given your age request it is taking as long as it is, but again...we cannot predict or control, all we can do is advocate for our families, which is exactly what we are doing." I exhaled... a big long sigh of relief. There are times I feel a bit judged in this journey when I tell people about being frustrated at the length of the wait so far and I get the reply of, "it's only been 6 months" which is true... only 6 months is short for those looking for "AYAP" or "AYAP / AHAP" or potentially the longest wait "healthy female under 12 mos". It felt like my feelings that I am asking for a boy - an "older" boy were being dismissed and lumped in with families waiting for healthy infant girls. Now I am certainly not suggesting that their waits are any different or any less torturous - just that the expectation was set up front that it would take longer. Friday night, my SW showed me the empathy and validation that I have been needing to make the wait bearable. I think I may have gotten my second wind.
So with that, we are now exploring new options: Saratov, Pskov, Tula and Khabarovsk. I have no idea what the merits of these region are or if I should simply ask to be registered in Vladivostok where there seems to be stable consistent referrals. Time will tell in the direction I go from here and it sort of feels like starting out from square one again with a whole new unknown region where I could sit and wait another 6 months... but if I do, that's another 6 months closer to my son than I am today... and I'm already a year closer to him than when I started this journey last year. So I'm hoping for advice and insight on what to do next? I've joined the yahoo groups and asked the question on line... no one seems to have heard of the smaller regions... I guess it's perspective really??? Scary and un-nerving or one heck of an adventure to my son? I'll take the adventure EVERY time. One foot in front of the other... one day closer to you xoxo.

Uncle... there I said it.

I give up all control... or perception that I ever had any in this process. Uncle. I give.
Last week I was told that St. Petes was open for my agency - final stages - rubber stamping and it would be active soon. This week... "Novosibirsk and St. Petersburg are not regions that are favourable for international adoption, so we have decided not to pursue these." I'm not exactly sure what that means given other agencies are successfully bringing children home from these regions... but the monthly update doesn't give details... just facts. More "facts" that I got in the email, "We are hopeful that proposals will be coming in the next few months from Perm and Nizhniy Novgorod, and have information from our facilitators in these regions indicating this. Please note that expected wait times continue to increase from time of dossier submission to Russia. It is now estimated over 12 months wait for a proposal any child under the age of 7 from the time your dossier is registered with the Ministry of Education in Russia." Which seems more like a "CYA" statement than anything to keep waiting families from freaking out over the wait since they have a handfull of families approaching the year long wait for INFANT GIRLS not a boy up to 4... but that doesn't seem to matter anymore... blanket statement of expect to wait a year or more which seems to indicate for me not to expect a referral in the aforementioned "referrals in the next few months". Did you hear the air whizz out of my balloon of hope? It did. Funny - I started out with a 4 - 6 month wait time line... I'm at 5 months and am now told 12+ months... I used to hope that I might travel before Christmas '08 on a first trip... then I started hoping he would be home for the warm summer... then I hoped he'd be home this fall for my birthday... now I wonder if I'll even travel before the end of '09. This is nuts. But I have no hand as Seinfeld would say... So what now? Besides banging my head on the wall, how do I make decisions for work (assignments / training etc. that would make me look foolish if I take on and then bail on), for vacation (I'm going to need a rubber room if I save my vacation until the end of the year in hope that I might travel in '09 but don't) and for life... It seems the only news I get from the agency is email updates increasing wait time and giving vague reference to someone might get a referral sometime in the distant future... and we might register a copy of your dossier in a new region but don't call us... we'll call you. I know nothing about the new region Khabarovsk except that it's far away from Moscow by Vladivostok. Still pouting... as the song goes, second verse, same as the first, a little bit louder and a little bit worse. But no one is listening... and my agency doesn't seem able to do anything about it even if they wanted to listen. Exploring the idea of seeing what other Canadian agencies are saying. One in particular has exceptional in country contacts... something I'm wondering if my agency is lacking.
Now just when it seems that I'm all doom and gloom... I get it. Somewhere deep in the frustration of it all I know that these delays and moments are built in to ensure that my son finds his way home to me... but like the 3 year old at the grocery store who's just been told he can't have the candy bar... BUT I WANT IT NOW!!! I've really come a long way since those cash line tantrums haven't I.

Saratov, Izhevsk, Penza, Novosibirsk, St. Petersburg or Perm?

I am begining to feel like my adoption journey mirrors the sound coming from my iPod FM tuner... sometimes it comes in clear and things sound good... turn a corner and - without warning or reason things go to static and there is nothing to do but wait out the annoying drone or change stations. Perm... a whole lot of static with no end in sight. No referrals for 5 1/2 months and folks actually getting a referrals (with other agencies) have questions on their health and are losing them to Russian families. Sounds like there will be nothing for a few more months at best. Next, the agency is opening up new regions... small ones... no news... no direction... only advice - best thing you can do is wait to read the monthly updates. Seriously? A phone call once and awhile would be nice just to keep in touch... but I guess it's a good thing I can read.

So, what do I do to kill time? Buy him 'stuff'. today, it was a chariot jogger / bike carrier. It's great and it was a good deal. I still feel crummy... I wish I had news. I'm pouting and frustrated (am I allowed to be frustrated yet??? It's only been just over 4 months but... I'm frustrated). I should probably stop reading the reports coming from other people who say the wait for an "older toddler" should be very short and that 4 months or the 9 that it could likely be doesn't make sense... but my money, my heart and my hopes are tied up waiting for news... So tonight, I'll head downstairs and fiddle with his new jogger and wonder again how long this will take. Is wanting some sort of news too much to ask?

BAHHHHHHH!!!!

Change could be in the air

Nothing stays the same except change... A wise piece of advice dolled out by someone likely far more patient than myself. While I have never professed to be patient, I am self declared resilient and resourceful. I feel like in order to find some sense of calm and direction, I NEED to research, discover, figure out and understand all angles of that which I seek to know (when possible... which I'm discovering in International Adoption is quite rare but I digress). I spoke to my SW yesterday and asked the hard questions from a document I titled, "Questions for 2009" - I had to explain to her that although it was a few pages long it was not indeed 2009 questions lol. The biggie was this: "is the summer the BEST I might hope for in terms of a referral?" Long........................ awkward.............................. pause........................perhaps a slight fumble for words................................ and "it could be Stacey... but I don't want to promise THAT and then not have something for you by then". WHAT!!! WOW... I choked back the disappointment and tears as I pondered a 10 or 11 or more month wait for a boy already sitting and just waiting to come home... a boy that nobody visits or wants or loves... Deep breath... I think I muddled through some ream of additional questions but the answer I didn't want to hear kept echoing in my head... the summer... maybe not even by then... you are first on the list for a single boy your age request.... HUH??? Not good enough. So, one of the questions I paid attention to the answer to was, "At what point does a change in region become warranted?" (this question is in light of the fact that the last agency news letter indicates that they will be opening St. Petersburg and Novosibirsk shortly). She told me that it is possible and likely that I could have my documents registered in a new region. She asked if I had a preference (bear in mind that all I could hear bouncing in my cranium was Dear God please don't make me wait until the summer...) so I answered "no... whatever you think is best"... then I promptly consulted with the regional expert... my Russian friend who will be traveling with me. She suggests registering in St. Petes (which in my heart is what I wanted but the words didn't come out right... part desperation, part stunned). So many things could go more easily there... Ole has friends, the city has so much to do and see, it is close to Moscow, Scott was there before we met - I could see the things he told me about and I might even have a place to stay without paying for a hotel. All this and given the size of the city, the baby homes seem to be well funded, staffed and repaired. There are hundreds of little boys born in 2005 and 2006 there... way more than Perm... and at least I remember reading that people are bringing home children from St. Petes which is more than I can say for Perm. So... time will tell but change is in the air... and, if I have to wait until the summer for a referral and travel when it is warm, I'd rather do that in St. Petes than Perm... but I'll go where my boy is. I just hope you hurry home.

The "Lucky One"

A friend emailed me this today... not sure where it came from or who wrote it (I'm sure Google would answer that question) but for me it summarizes my thoughts on waiting to bring home my little boy. Patience has never been my strong point... and this process will certainly test that before it is through. I came out of the gates ever the optimist thinking that surely a referral for an older boy would come quickly... all indications from yahoo groups and on line Russian adoption communities like FRUA were that referrals for boys up to 4 were happening sometimes immediately on submission of your documents to region but certainly within a few months. But those rules don't hold for here in my real world. Those are "other" agencies and "other" circumstances with agencies in countries I am not a citizen of. I have had a pretty big reality check just before Christmas in letting me know the wait could well take me into travelling when Russia will be much warmer. While not traveling in the dead cold of winter does have it's attraction, I keep hearing of the quick referrals for the healthy boy on FRUA and the sound of the pages of the calender flip by and those are both sounds I'd rather not hear. With that being said, I do trust the process and the people and life... it's not always fair but it's good... and because of that, I'll wait "patiently" for things to turn out like they should. In the mean time, I think this little poem is meaningful.
Do-brey No-chey (good night!)

The Lucky One
People often say how lucky my little boy is. See, he was an orphan in Russia until I adopted him. Imagine my little boy who didn't know how to play with the simplest toys, couldn't eat with silverware, wasn't able to color a picture, and had never even seen the moon or stars. Even though he grew up in the middle of Russia he had never touched snow. He wasn't even able to talk very much. My boy had never ridden in a car, seen a horse or a cow, eaten ice cream, or been to the park. Even worse, he did not have enough to eat or adequate clothes to wear. He had spent the majority of his years cold and hungry. Not because no one cared but because there were too many to care for. He had never been held or rocked to sleep. This little boy had no mommy to wipe his tears, or pick him up when he fell down. No one was there to read him bedtime stories or hold him when he was sick or afraid. There was never even any praise for a job well done. No one put his pictures on the refrigerator and gazed at them proudly everyday. Worst of all, he had never been loved. So when people tell me that my boy is lucky, I say no, I'm the lucky one. I am the one whose mom and dad held me when I cried, and kissed and hugged me everyday. They watched me blow out my birthday candles year after year. My parents fed me and made sure I had the clothes and education that I needed.Most of all, my mom and dad loved me every minute of every hour of every day. I am the lucky one not because I got out of the orphanage, when so many never do, but because: I was never there. Certainly, I am even luckier now because this little Russian boy, who was so unlucky in life, is now

my precious little boy.

Six very small degrees...

They (whoever "they" are) say that people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime (if you haven't read the poem google it... it's a good one) and I couldn't agree more. I think that I could identify many people in my life and categorize them into one of those three groups. When I meet someone new and they stick around for awhile, I begin to wonder if there is a reason for them coming along, and if they pass from my world just as quietly I recognize that they were here only for a season... there are those rare times when I meet someone new and right from the beginning I hope that they are a part of my world for a lifetime... Now I have this friend (I'll leave you un named for your own privacy but I want to capture this thought and this day for posterity down the road when we are old and reminiscing about today) who I met in professional circles a number of years ago (vague enough... too bad... you can't edit my blog) In fact, there were three of us who sort of became "the 3 amigos" as we learned new tricks of the trade and secrets to one anothers hearts. We talked of new loves, hopeful families, past lives, disappointments, heart break and hope. Years have passed since that day and I am still in touch with both of these wonderful women. Last spring, I sat across the table from one of them and she shared the news that her and her husband were in waiting to adopt twins from Ethiopia. I smiled and quietly listened to her excited story of waiting and wondering who would become their children. When she finished, I told her that I had news of my own and that I was in the early stages of preparing to adopt from Russia. We toasted and talked and laughed at the coincidence. Today, as I stood in the middle of an isle at Canadian Tire searching out Christmas deals on matching figure skates and helmets for my 6 year old nieces I got a text message that gave me goosebumps immediately followed by a huge smile. It said, "guess who just got off of the phone with an adoption agency :-)" It was the third member of the three amigos... If I could have I would have clicked my heels three times and hugged her myself but instead, I hit dial and we talked... as I hovered in the hockey section trying to look low key. There is so much story to unfold ahead of each of us but I feel so blessed to have such amazing, beautiful, strong and hopeful women in my world. I selfishly hope that this comes together for each of us this year and that we might celebrate the amazing gift that is born out of life's mis-steps, mistakes, and out of misgivings for the hand we are sometimes dealt together as new moms. To the latest passenger on this bus let me say this, You are an AMAZING woman who's eyes literally sparkle with life and laughter. You are that person that people NEED to know - the one with the infectious laugh and an angle on life reserved specifically for those who gracefully keep a stiff upper lip without limiting your ability to smile. I can't imagine a better mom out there. Your child will be a lucky little one without doubt. I know you will be an exceptional role model and a loving protector while instilling the value of humor, integrity and unconditional love into their little heart. Some people need words to tell the people in their lives what they mean to them... your eyes say it all... yours are truly the window to your soul. I hope that some day soon we are swapping stories of mom-dom and raising a glass together as we watch our children explore our brand new worlds. I couldn't ask for a better co-pilot on this journey... if you adopt a girl... I'll let my son date her because if she grows up to be half the woman that you are... he would be a lucky little man! You rock - you are one of the prettiest flowers I know! Wanna stick around for a lifetime?

It's time to admit I am ever the optimist

OK so it's looking like the "build it and they will come" theory has limitations when it comes to international adoption. I've built (have the bedroom set, some clothes, some toys, and even new bedding to arrive before Christmas (not because I thought the gift with purchase might be a toddler Russian boy but because I found it on Ebay and didn't want to lose it )) but he's not coming. Perm region has been quiet for months... the Yahoo groups are full of advice, cheer leading and static... no one seems to be getting referrals. While I'm not particularly bothered by this YET, I am concerned that this may not pick up... as I wait patiently and continue to build this baby boy our field of dreams. I talk to my agency girls all the time and they continue to be wonderful but veiled in what they can or could say about the situation. Right now, there are 3 regions open: Vlad, NN and Perm... Vlad has had some referrals recently and some false starts as people prepare to travel only to have their little one adopted / fostered by birth family... NN is the new region and has not seen a referral and Perm... my agency hasn't had a referral since late summer. The Christmas news letter just came out and they are again looking at opening Novosibirsk and also St. Petersburg... I asked to be kept posted on advice regarding regions and if switching might become the best option - they said they would have news sometime in the new year. My SW also "did me a solid" and forwarded some information directly to the in country coordinator to have her look over and give advice on. While the answer wasn't what I had hoped for, it is encouraging to know that I can ask questions even if I think they might not be welcomed and have them answered.
So, for now, I prepare for Christmas by baking, shoveling (the snow can stop ANY time), and winding down from a busy work schedule. Every night I wonder where you are and if you had a good day. I imagine you being talked to and tickled by someone special to you and that you are laughing... I hope you are warm, safe, have enough food in your tummy, have someone to play with and for at least a moment no matter how fleeting each day, you feel special if not loved. I hope you dream of a home and a Mama and know that you deserve to be loved. I am starting a small collection of stuffed Lions for you. I can't stop thinking about how alone you are and how you must want someone to protect you and keep you safe... that will be me... and the herd of stuffed lions to remind you even in the dark that you will never be alone again. Good night (well actually it's 5:30am in your world) little man... I can't wait for next Christmas when our worlds will be so very different.

P.S. I got my skates sharpened today and saw little strap on bob skates perfect for a little skater... I can't wait to take you skating :-)

Crash course in parenting

Well this was a "fun" day. I some days feel like I'm on the Truman show (you know the one where Jim Carey's life is actually being set up and filmed and watched by thousands of TV viewers for their entertainment?) Yup. I think I star in the Tennant show lol. So here was today's episode (stay with me because there is an element of Russian adoption in this tale). I am helping out with a friends little guy in taking him to hockey while she is out of town. No biggie. I can tie skates, I know where the equipment goes, and I know not to yell like a rabid hockey mom in the stands (it annoys everyone around you and embarasses the hell out of the kids so it's lose lose... I digress). Everything is going well. Child delivered, dressed and deployed onto the ice. I make a break for a much needed coffee from Timmy's. Arriving back at the rink, I discover that the mom of one of the little boys (Sasha) is from Russia. We have a nice chat about learning English (they have only been here a year) and about where she is from. The nice adotion part of the story is that she is a Russian trained Cardiologist who I'd say is about my age! She was so interested in my adoption story and offered any sort of help I might need - even in reviewing his medicals! Whoo Hoo I'm thinking - this is a fantastic way to spend a Sunday. Then, I hear my name (which is weird because no one knows me here except my friends son who is still on the ice...) except he isn't. He's behind me crying his little eyes out. I launch into OMG he's hurt mode - which thankfully he wasn't, which was quickly followed by OK - what did you do mode... which he did. OK - question - am I supposed to actually WATCH the whole practice? (because lets be real - they are 9... it it's mostly flailing and falling as they swarm like bees around the puck) Now bearing in mind that the version from him followed by the team manager and then the coaching staff were pretty different, I'm sure that the truth resided somewhere in the middle. Suffice to say that I got a crash course in hockey mom today and I think I manged OK. The little guy cried, listened, apologised and I acted as a mediator in the situation. Wow... hockey will be interesting... thankfully I've seen what it's like for coaches on one side of the bench fending off rabid hockey parents and now from a stand in parent side seen what it's like to defend a poor little 9 year old who certainly didn't maliciously spear the other kid in the crotch... this is going to get interesting. Today, I think I might be given a B+ in handling of the situation. Bit my tongue which could have resulted in a failing grade should I have told the coach exactly what I thought of how he spoke to me and to the boy. (instead I told him that the way he spoke to me would terrify any 9 year old and then turned to the other coach and told him how much I appreciated his honesty, candor and kindness in retalling of the event and would be happy to bring the boy in to talk to him... as long as the angry bastard remained silent - OK I didn't say bastard). I mean C'mon... he's 9... he's not mean... they were goofing around and he was poking his friend with his stick (who happens to be one of the coaches kids) and someone got poked in the can... wrong - ok but he doesn't need to be kicked off the team for it!!! Thankfully the other 2 coaches were kind and understanding and realistic... Here's hoping I struck a good balance between ownership of his actions / remorse and the reminder that they are 9... with the suggestion of having him sit out the next game... who knows - I hope it doesn't end his fledgling career in hockey. That said, I can't wait until it's my little guy out there... :-)

It's Officially Official!

I'm in... Perm that is. OK not physically, actually in Perm Russia but my documents are in and registered and ready to go. This happened a few weeks ago but I got official AB gov't notificatin that things are signed sealed and delivered. I guess that puts a date somewhere around early(ish) October for date registered. I fussed a bit with my agency about the time it was taking to translate my documents and send them off to be notarized, legalized, fanci-eyezed, and finally appostled and sent. Thank God I can say for sure that this is one of the things that the fees for this adoption go to pay for... keeping me in the dark as to the EXACT meaning of each of those words (except fanci-eyezed... I made that one up). I read so many PAP's stories of the hastle and heart ache that goes into getting all of those steps done on their own that I am so happy that is included in the fees for service. I did get my official copy of the dossier back a few weeks ago now and the letter from the Alberta government indicating that everything has been sent to my facilitator (who's named Maya I believe) in Perm and that my referral should be sent to them first to be forwarded on to me. Now, I need to talk to my agency and see what exactly that means - do they present me with my referral or does it come from somewhere else? What is the lag time in between when Maya identifies my boy to when I will review his file? More questions... but progressive exciting ones! I ordered his bedroom set a few weeks ago as well. I am looking forward to getting things sort of set up for him... but it feels strange because who knows when it will actually happen. Anyway, that's the good news for this post - which I thought I'd best lead with.





The bad sad news is that on Tuesday October 14th I had to put Chuck to sleep. I'll spare the sad details - if you know me, you know the story and how hard of a decision it was for me to send him home to Scott... but it was for the best. I miss him but do find it really easy to remember the great memories and smiles that we shared. I just hope his little shoulders don't hurt anymore and that he's been on a dozen mountain bike rides since he's been home. He gave me a gift in the last moments of his spotted brown life - Scott always gave me 3 kisses before he would leave for work, hockey, or pretty much anything... it was our thing. Chuck refused to give me a kiss for the 2 days before the end... and I did beg him - but no. As he layed wrapped in a blanket on my lap on the floor of the Vets office while I was saying my last good byes, he looked up at me and gave me 3 big fat licks on the face. Bye Bye bubby... I know you are happy - from one good home to another. Chuck June 15, 1995 - Oct 14, 2008. XOXO

I miss my friend...

Today is one of those bittersweet days that fills my heart with the most profound memories of love... and still... 10 years later... fills my eyes with tears. 10 years ago today I married my best friend yet I've 'celebrated' 10 wedding anniversaries alone. I guess it's a testament to the depth I loved Scott to the degree I can still miss him and remember the details of our time together. That day was filled with so many I love yous, smiles, tender moments and plans of forever. Those who shared the day will remember how hot it was, how Dickey Dee came along to save the day, the tormented gold fish, the mini train ride, pictures in the park, Chuck in the wedding party and the heart felt recognition that we had gotten it right... Days like this I wonder who we'd be today... if we'd ever contemplate this journey I'm on and what our family would be like. More than anything, today, I just try and remember what it felt like to be loved by you and imagine the moment when this time apart will be an uncomfortable memory as I recount this journey in your arms again. I miss you Boo... Wish you were here.
xoxo Kid.

Oh blah dee, oh blah da...La La La La Life goes on...

Life is funny. Not always the gut splitting, laugh and snort Coke out of your nose sort of funny, but more the curious "things that make you go hmmmm" sort of funny. I (true to my home study) think I'm the kind of friend a friend would like to have. The person who shows up with flowers when you need them, an extra set of legs (and sometimes a minivan) to help move, the one who makes you smile the moment you pick up the phone just becuase you know I'll have something wacky to say, and the one who will do the dirty work of friendship even if I really don't want to... I just do - that damn golden rule thing. I've been down the hard road once of figuring out who my friends really are - the ones who got on a plane broke and showed up to cry to sleep with me - the ones who didn't abandon me becuase my life was too hard or they were too scared of saying the wrong thing or thought that I was somehow just too much responsibility. Big life change seem like the right time to update the list of who is always there for me when I need flowers, a mini van, a laugh or a smile... So thanks for being that friend to me and thanks for the drop in visits, the glasses of wine shared, the early morning calls when I'm in the tub and we talk till the waters cold, the shoulder for frustrations, the new friends & old, my sister and fav S.I.L., the friend who drives across town later than you should just becuase you know I could use a hug (and a gallon of ice cream lol) and here's to wishing the east coast and islands were reachable by clicking my heels together 3 times. Here's to the hopes, the dreams and the tears we've shared and here's to the ones ahead - hang in here with me... I'm gonna need some help!

Funny - OK not really funny but it's the sort of humor that an old friend can get away with because I'm laughing right along with her: In conversation relevent to a topic for another day, a bible quote (residual from years of Sunday school and bible camp?) came up: "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." Jo thought that this was hillarious in that I have cornered the market on this one... I think perhaps Coke may have come out her nose... but I think you had to be there because it doesn't have the same effect now does it Jo???

P.S. no real news on the Paper shuffle. I talked to Marie on Friday and she told me that my Dossier should be translated in about a week or so and then will be sent to Ottawa for legalization (she said ~2 more weeks) and then off to Perm... where the wait really begins. Oh yeah - one more thing - I met a nice Russian lady at the coffee shop down the hill who made me promise to bring the little guy in for a visit so she can officially welcome him to Canada. She asked a lot of questions and when I told her I wanted to adopt a toddler boy she got big tears in her eyes and thanked me for helping her countries children... I smell some free coffee which will be nice when I'm broke and on leave from work!!!

Filling time

So there really isn't any news on the adoption front - no filling of forms, no following up with the agency, no questions to ask... nothing... except a little silence (which is OK I guess?). There have been rattlings of a few things in the past while with respect to the Russian adoption world: first, people seem to be starting to panic about the lack of girls available and the resulting wait times for infant girls. Some are contemplating the addition of "either gender" and some are making the switch. I'm hoping this won't affect me in that I'm still waiting for an "older" boy. Time will tell. Next is the Russian invasion / attack on Georgia. It's on the news every on air, but there is little specultion that it will affect adoptions - especially those of Canadians.
OK some fun stuff: it was the twins 6th birthday today and we celebrated with cake, icecream, popsicles, horse & buggy rides and of course gifts all around. I love how excited they get to see me and the hugs and kisses I get from them out of the blue. They love the dogs and are getting better wth them (or the dogs with them?) all the time. They were at my house last weekend and we told them that I am going to adopt a little boy. Of course this meant explaining the whole notion of adoption but I think they got it. They were very interested in, "what is his name?" and then offering up their suggestions (which by the way were either names of their friends or non names... things that weren't really names at all). I know they will be excited as things approach and once he is home they will love having a new little cousin. The Russian language learning is coming along well. I have mastered most of the essential baby words... hello, come here, don't be scared, sit down, I'm your Mama, I love you, good boy, juice, milk, toilet paper, bath, hot, cold, this is our dog... you get the idea. I practice on the dogs sometimes for fun... but their Russian is even worse than their English - go figure. Lyric will be one year old on Wednesday - boy time flies! She is turning into a really good dog. She still amazes me (ocassionally with her 'stupidity' and lack of listening skills) with how fast she is learning. Leash walks aren't a nightmare anymore and her greeting of strangers is way less of a hastle. I am liking hanging out with her more and more!

Well, I better sign off but I'm going to say this: I have this nagging idea in the back of my head... that I'll travel for trip one before Christmas and have him home sometime in the spring. Just throwing it out there - field of dreams.
spa-COIN-a NO-chee (Good night) it's pah-RAH SPAHT (time to sleep)

Vacations, vacations, vacations... then paperwork to follow

Well I took a little hiatus from the adoption paperwork slog over the last month and did some much needed recharging. Things started out with a girls Vegas trip for "low-towers" birthday. Some shopping and seeing and singing (George Michael was amazing!) was done and I am sad to report that I will no longer be speaking with my old freind Patrone... he came over un-invited and left me with a really sore head and queesy stomach the next day... damn hombre. Next stop on the vacation train was Shushwap Lake with Matt and Kari. Tianna came with me and the highlight of the trip (no - not me drinking Corona (my alternate Mexican friend who I still speak to) out of a straw while I wallowed in self pitty over my injured back from wake boarding) but Tinanna getting up behind the boat. I think we were both pretty stoked and I am very proud!!! Moving on to the final destination of this tour was Maui for Mindys' wedding. Michelle R (Low-tower) and I had a great time at the Papakea Resort (I'll post pictures when I can get them off of my camera - computer crashed while I was gone). It was by far the most relaxing vacation I have ever had.
Now, home and back at it. All documents (passport, birth certificate, home study, forms etc) were submitted on Friday to Choices. They will have been notarized and apostled by tomorrow and then things will be submitted for translation this week (should take 4 - 6 weeks - I'm banking on 4) then, the last stage here will be submitting for legalization to the Russian Consulate (another 3 - 4 weeks - I say 3) So with all of my expertise in the adoption arena, I am hoping to be submitted in region by mid(ish) September... then I wait. Ole is in Russia now and is bringing me home a Starbucks Mug from Arabat St. in Moscow. Will be a nice way to start my morning!

In other news, a great friend of mine told me she pregnant this morning. Even though we don't live in the same city it will be great to be on Mat leave at the same time. I laughed and told her it was great - she got knocked up and I knocked myself up all at the same time!!! Well, I better take stinky for a walk (Mangoes and soup bones - one was a self selected treat... one was not) make for a nasty aroma around the house. Cheers for now and cross your fingers for fast officials who don't take vacations to finish my dossier!

Surprise!

I love getting mail... I grabbed the usual bunch of bills and junk sent to the people that lived in my house 4 years ago and in it was a Canada Post notice for a package. I didn't really think much of it since I ordered a CD awhile ago and figured it had arrived. In fact, I drove around with it in my car for a day and remembered this morning to stop by the office to grab it. Nothing notable - plain brown envelope... but when I bent it... no CD. I thought that was weird... hadn't occurred to me until I was half way to the door that it wasn't the CD... it was my home study!!! Back from approval 6 weeks earlier than I could have anticipated!!! It took them 3 weeks to receive it, approve it and send it back. They said to expect 6 - 8 weeks - I was taken by surprise for sure! So, now I scramble. I thought I had weeks yet to sign on with the agency, get sponsorship applications underway and documents ordered... nope... scramble now! Let the paperchase begin!