Wild Wild Roller Coaster Ride

Everybody get ready to board the roller coaster with me... Put your seat belts on, remove all loose objects from your pockets (except wallets and large unmarked bills - if they fall I'll have my people collect them on the ground :) and put your hands way up with your fingers crossed in the air.
What a change a week and a melt down can make. I'll skip the details in between where we clarified some details and get right to the juicy excerpt from an email from my SW this evening, " just received confirmation from our facilitator in Khabarovsk that we will continue to offer proposals, as she is confident we will be able to meet court requirements. Another Canadian agency works in Khab and is able to get through court, so I am confident we can do the same. So, we have decided not to withhold or delay any proposals from the region.
Good news for you...who I do expect may receive a proposal soon...stay tuned! Have a great night!"
Now I don't know what "soon" means exactly but my agency doesn't say "soon" unless they know something we don't and have reason to believe that there is a happy phone call in my foreseeable future. Wow... this could all become very very real very very soon. Wow. Fingers crossed for a happy, healthy cutie who wants nothing more than to come home to Canada with his mama (but he just doesn't know it yet). Will certainly be posting updates as they come - praying for everything to be wonderful!
YIKES!

Bah Humbug

So, would you like the good news or the bad news first? Well - you don't REALLY get to vote so, let's start with the good news. There have been 2 referrals for families in Khab. Actually, let me re-phrase that - for one family REGISTERED in Khab and another who were registered in another region and brought in for a referral of an infant girl. On the surface, it shouldn't matter that the family was pulled in from another region (no one in Khab was waiting for an infant girl) but in the end, it does affect me - which leads to the bad news. I spoke to the program assistant today at my agency and she told me that, "we will not be doing any new referrals until court is granted for the families who already have accepted matches". Now given those of you who have contacted me with info on Khab, my understanding is that time from 1st to 2nd trip is pretty standardly 4 months... which means that even if they allow a match after getting only one court date, that will already be into 2010. I spent the afternoon mulling this over and working my way through the reality of Christmas with months potentially still to wait. It's been a teary afternoon 'round here. I'm all out of ideas on how to manage the wait. I'd love to take a big beach vacation with all inclusive umbrella drinks (and lots of them) but I don't have anyone to go with... Someone suggested that perhaps changing my age range to 24 - 48 years might help. I guess then I might have someone to go on vacation with.

Bah humbug.

Snow, Soccer, Silence and a birthday wish?

It's been a whril wind of activity around here lately. Soccer wrapped up in a snowy weekend competition at Nationals over Thanksgiving in Edmonton. My team seems to be a bit of a dynasty at this point having won 4 Provincial championships in a row and Nationals last year... but this year it was not to be. We went into the gold medal game heavily favored and by all acounts dominated regulation time but just couldn't finish. They were the sort of team that had lots of heart but little talent other than getting in the way and breaking up plays... which was sadly effective. We finished off at 0-0 and went into PK's where we lost... not only the snow and wind giving sometimes -15 temperatures left us feeling a little numb... that is life. I was then welcomed home to shoveling my driveway twice and installing winter tires which made me grumpy. I did however manage to spend some time with friends off the pitch and weaseled a turkey dinner and laundry which was so so nice! Back home on the range, indoor soccer fires up shortly and I have to balance that with my budding hockey career. This is season number three and I'm still having a blast!!! On the adoption front, we have heard nothing. I've been in touch with the other families waiting in Khab with my agency and they have been told that they are still expecting 2 referrals "shortly" and they don't know what the delay is (they thought they would come 2 weeks ago so they don't know if the children released from the DB did not meet our families requirements, had health issues or were simply not released yet). Anyway, I'm still hoping one of them is for me... time will tell. Since my birthday is at the end of the month, wouldn't that make a wonderful gift??? I think so. So cross your fingers that I'll have good news soon!

In a side note, I wanted to say that a blogger friend has had some very sad news in her quest to bring home her little girl. It is so hard to read the journal of her time in Pakistan with her "sweet pea" and knowing that at the 11th hour things fell apart and she came home without her tiny beautiful daughter. I can't imagine her pain and grief right now so... if you are the praying kind, I know there is a Mama out there who could use a little help and a big fat miracle.

P.S. the snow has now melted and I'm going for a hike in the mountains today because it is beautiful out :)

You know it's been longer than usual when...

So I looked at my countdown timeline ticker thing and it said that I applied for adoption today... which is funny. I tried to edit it to reflect the fact that it's officially a year today that I've been waiting for a referral from Perm and it won't put that it's been a year and a day... it just says that I applied today. So I changed it - I like this one better anyway :) BUT - let's wipe the slate clean - start over in a new region without the weight and wait of the old. Out with the old and in with the new!!! It's day one and things are gonna happen - change is in the air! My agency thinks that there will be a couple referrals and I think it's preemptive to hope that one might be mine... but stranger things have happened :) I'll take him at Christmas... or a birthday gift (end of October) would be great too. Fortune cookie said Christmas and I'll believe in almost any sign these days lol...

Going to Khab (my dossier that is)

Today's tidbit of information came from talking with my SW. My dossier is hot off the press and en route to Khab - it should arrive any time!!! The facilitator has been aware of my file for a couple of months now and my SW indicated that this is a good thing as it allows them to begin 'working on finding my child'. She clarified that there are 4 families waiting in Khab for their kiddos. She said that the ministry makes the decision on which family receives the referral not the facilitator or the agency - the invitation comes assigned to the family with a pre specified child. The last referral came with a few pictures and a brief medical. They are confident that referrals will come quickly and in fact are expecting one by the end of the week (I have my fingers crossed for Heather!). She was reluctant to advise me on notifying my employer and hesitant to give any sort of time line given that they do not make decisions - the MOE does and they become aware of them when the document or call comes from the facilitator. Once a referral comes in, it is about 3 weeks to travel and they anticipate 3 months between trips (but that is a guess because they have not had a court date assigned yet). It is nice that of the 5 families in Khab (4 waiting and one between trips), I am in contact with 2 of them.
So, I'm feeling hopeful... I'm feeling excited... I dusted off his bedroom furniture in the garage... I'm starting to feel like the wheels of progress are in motion once again. Or maybe that's the cold medicine going to my head??? Either way, it feels good to be moving in a good direction where there has been some momentum and success!!!

A sign?

I had a work function last night where I had to cater dinner in for the attendees and the meal came with fortune cookies for dessert. I cracked mine open and there were two... I don't remember the one - probably because the one said,

"Take note of today's date. Three months from today will be a monumental day."

That date would be December 24th... any day that you meet someone you will love and nurture and protect will be a monumental day but for me, if I were to meet my son on Christmas Eve... I don't know if I could find the words. I can't imagine anywhere else I'd rather be this Christmas than Russia. I've never put much stock into fortune cookies but could I believe in this one???

One more step to registered

I always like to have happy mail when I'm not expecting it... I got back from a work trip to San Francisco to find a note saying that my new dossier has been sent to Ottawa for legalization which is the last stop on the train before Russia. I guess this takes 2 - 3 weeks but with any luck I'll be official in Khabarovsk by the first week(ish) of October. On last report, my agency is hopeful if not confident that I'll get a referral and travel on trip one before Christmas. It's funny how a statement like that can make time disappear. Between getting registered, getting a referral, having the referral evaluated, accepting the referral, making travel arrangements and getting visas... that's a lot to do in such a short period of time... all before Christmas. Wow. I read a statement about adoption that said, "nothing happens, nothing happens then EVERYTHING happens" and I guess that sounds about right.

Other than that, it's been a nice time of celebration for friends of mine who received and accepted their referral after an exceedingly long wait in Ethiopia. They are not with the agency that went bankrupt. They were referred a beautiful, smiling, happy little man who is 7 months old. They will likely travel in December or January to bring little Mamush home. CONGRATS!!! We celebrated together in San Francisco and I checked off a number of things on my bucket list: Major League Baseball game (We don't have MLB here in Canada lol) including hot dog - check. Cable Car ride - check. Alcatraz - check, Pub crawl er I mean vineyard tour - check. We had fun, lots of laughs and managed some shopping in there too. Now it's back to reality and trying to implement a new software system in the field... today was a bit of a gong show!!! Next post will likely be I'M REGISTERED!!! AGAIN!!! LOL. As some smart fish once said, "Keep on swimming, Keep on swimming!"

Fall is looking up

September first for so many people out there is the return to school for their children and a return to a "normal" schedule. To me, it's always been the return of tall boots, Taber corn, fall soccer, tea in the cool evenings, amazing fall colors and the countdown to Halloween, my birthday and Christmas... Tonight I am looking forward more than ever to the changing of the leaves and the coming of Santa. It's not time for tall boots yet but I'm dreaming of Khabarovsk in the snow and hopefully meeting my little boy... all I want for Chistmas is YOU! All my documents are signed off on and notarized / apostled and headed for translation. I'm in the works. I know there is one family ahead of me in Khab waiting for a boy up to 2 1/2 and I really hope that things happen for us the way that our agency seems to think it will. Hanging in and hanging on - 11 months today since registration in Perm (which on the upside is 11 months closer than I've ever been to having a son).

Today was a beautiful day...

11 Years ago: Today was a beautiful day. We laughed, we sang, we celebrated. It was HOTTTT! The sunshine shon down on us as we were surrounded by friends and family and Love. Chuck (our dog who was part of it all) behaved - the goldfish however did not :) I can still remember the first time Scott sent me flowers and they were addressed to me as "Mrs".... my heart skipped a beat. I felt so grown up... I felt so happy... I felt like I had everything in the world I ever wanted in him, in our marriage, and in our dreams of the future. I celebrated that happiness for everything it was... for 8 months... and then the happiest moment of my life with Scott forever became our wedding day. The happiest day wouldn't get the chance to be rivaled by the birth of our children or surprises or accomplishments together... because there were no more happy days to be shared. Scott died beside me in our roll over accident... and my world changed.
There are few days in the year when the memories sting and the "grief monster" returns to make himself known... today is one of them. I've celebrated every one of our anniversaries alone and I don't think I'm getting any better at it :( Today is a quiet day of reflection on who we'd be... what our lives would be like and how much love we would still share. I know he'd want me to be happy and to be loved. I know he'd be proud of me for finding a way to bring this little boy home... I just wish he could be here to share it with. This adoption process has tried my patience and I think sometimes that maybe it's because I think that life "owes me" something good - something easy - something happy... to help even out the odds for what I've endured. then I remember a quote: "Being a good and kind and fair person in this life no more protects you from lifes evils than being a vegitarian protects you from a raging bull". Life owes us nothing but I owe life and myself so much.
So today, I look back and remember the love that we had... and today, I look forward to a love that is still to be. I hope you are up there consulting with God on the little boy who will become my son and how we might be just right for one another... but one small request??? Could you guys hurry???
Miss you Boo... today and always.
Love Kid.

Timely Quote...

"Nearly every man who develops an idea works at it up to the point where it looks impossible, and then gets discouraged. That's not the place to become discouraged."
Thomas A. Edison

Thanks for your emails and comments and thoughts... these rough patches in momentum occur when there seems to be nothing else to do... and I guess it's my job to find ways to keep busy. So, I'll try and be better at being busy hoping and dreaming and knowing that in whatever way he comes home, he's meant to be my son and hurrying through the process would have meant that it wouldn't be HIM that is sleeping in his new bed and playing with our dog... and it's HIM I'm waiting for. I need to be patient while his journey is made ready for us to be a family. I have spoken to my agency and it is fairly certain that I will be traveling to Khab rather than Perm. They are not offering Perm as an option for new families and to me, they talk only in terms of Khab for my dossier and travel. My SW has spoken to the facilitator there about my request and child requested so I am on the radar at least. I asked if I should anticipate travel in 2010 for a first trip and I was surprised when she seemed taken back by that and answered, "NO! we hope you will travel before Christmas for trip one"... So I'll be dreaming of a Khabarovsk Christmas :)

In a Funk... but not feeling funky

Well, we are almost 2/3 of the way through the 2009... In a month and a half I'll have been registered in Russia for one year. Oh the innocent optimist I was this time last year giddily waiting for my dossier to be registered in Perm dreaming of maybe traveling before Christmas '08 LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!! I look back over my time line - I started conversations with my home study agency January 2008 and waited for the IA course in March to get things rolling for my home study. All tallied, that's 18 months in process... 2 pregnancies worth of process and pains. I guess that's why I feel worn out and weathered. It's to the point that friends are afraid to ask how things are going or any news... probably because I've started bracing them for the likelihood that this process will undoubtedly push well into 2010. There has been NO indication to hope much less expect any sort of movement from Perm... eggs are being carefully transferred to my awaiting basket in Khabarovsk with a caveat that I won't actually be registered there for another 10 weeks or so (it will take them that long to process / translate / notarize etc the documents). It has taken a ridiculous amount of time to update / approve the addendum of nothingness and get an actual, accurate and mistake free list of documents from my agency. Good thing I learned to proof read... I've caught errors before they got to Russia and caused delays... yet I sit, waiting, behind where I was this time last year and certainly lower in hope and anticipation. His bedroom furniture arrived on my birthday (October) last year... my basement is full of toys, clothes, books, travel gifts, and little boy stuff. I've read books, learned some Russian, researched, learned, listened and asked... Now what? I'm discouraged and don't know quite how I'll make it through to the end. Optimistically, if I'm registered late October, they say "a few months" for referral putting me into 2010, travel Jan / Feb, 4 months between trips, maybe court in June... home next July??? Best case scenario I'll have been in process 31 months. Hmmm... I guess that likely could mean that my son wasn't even born when I started this process... Wow... this is gonna take some endurance. And it's hard... it's hard to watch people in the adoption world who I've become cyber friends with bring home baby after being registered for a few months, or weeks... it's hard to watch others agencies make things happen out of concern that their families have waited for 6 or 7 months for a referral... and I'm almost at 11 and know that it will likely be 15 or 16 months by the time I get a referral of an older toddler boy... and that's not to say that I will be able to accept... There was a time that I would amuse myself with checking my voice mail just in case I got "the call"... now, I can't remember the last time that even crossed my mind. It just seems so far away and remote... I don't even know what to ask anymore... "sometimes I sits and thinks... sometimes I just sits". Will this ever come to the happy ending I visualized so vividly a year ago??? How to I fill another almost year??? Will I ever be able to park in my garage again? What happens if I hate the things I bought for him by then? It used to be fun and exciting to imagine the what ifs... now I feel like the fun police sucked all the joy out of this journey. UGGGG!!! Calgon take me away... :)

Fun stuff tonight

Everyone needs a little bright spot from time to time and I'll take my moments gladly! Tonight I took Lyric for a nice walk, coffee and ball toss to a park we haven't been to in awhile. While it is very close, we just don't walk there that often. We turned the corner, coffee in hand, and what to my wondering eyes did appear, but a new K-4 school for my little boy - I cheered!!! Wow. What a blessing this will be for us! It is literally a 10 - 15 minute walk or a 3 minute drive from my front door. It will be brand new and ready for him when he's old enough to go! So there - that's my bright moment. That and the photos that JoAnne sent me from baby Becketts baptism trip. I love love love them so I'll post a few here! All that and I jumped directly off the crazy spring board into the deep end with a far fetched stab at figuring out Lyrics allergies (I'm not ready to admit publicly what I did... until I know it worked - then I'll fess up!). Cross your fingers, say a prayer, send up some smoke signals... but I need her to be well (I can't afford her meds AND this adoption (kidding... sort of... no really... I'm kidding - but wow is it expensive and uncomfortable for her).
Happy Sunday!

Summer is a beautiful time to have to wait

Well, I guess it's been a month since I've posted and that makes me feel a little obligated to find something to say. Hmmmm - it's been a busy time socially for me - not so much in the adoption though. Adoption update first: it took almost 3 weeks for my HS agency to process and submit my update. No real reason why... and when I did go in to sign off on it, it was formatted all over the place - completely illegible. I contacted the director of adoptions at the government and it was reworked and sent off the following day BUT now I'm waiting for approval and for things to be sent to my agency to start getting things finished up for my new dossier for Region #2. If things go smoothly, I could be registered in Khab sometime in late September (after completing my updates and new dossier for the new region) In some good news, my agency did receive referrals for siblings and said that the facilitator has received 2 other referrals that she turned down before even passing them on to the agency due to health reasons. So, maybe things are moving in Perm??? Time will tell.
On the social side, I went out to Ottawa to visit Jo, Cam and new baby "B" for his baptism. I was so honored to be his GodMother - it really makes me feel like I must be doing OK in this life thing if someone would choose me out of all the important people in their life to stand up and say I'll be the best role model I can for their son :) Getting out East makes visiting with friends I don't get to see easier and spending a couple hilarious days with my friend Jay was a highlight too. From there, it was a couple of days in Banff for "work" meetings and then out to Shushwap Lake for my annual Canada Day vacation. My niece and I always have a great time sunning, boating and wakeboarding with Kari & Matt's family. Everyone did fantastic behind the boat and learned some new tricks that they couldn't do before... and this year I didn't have to wash Advil down with beer following any 'stunts' on the water! Now, I'm back home to Stampede mayhem. For those of you unfamiliar with Stampede, it's 10 days of pure debauchery... rodeo, fair, parties, pancake breakfasts, parades, parties, fireworks every night, parties, corn dogs, mini donuts... concerts... and then exhaustion. I'm generally pretty tame and have only been to two events... but I don't bounce back like I used to (and Lord knows I need to bounce!).
So... that's that - not much but I guess it's summer and it's a good time to have nothing really new to say?

Addendum of nothingness

Ground hog day... mulligan... snakes and ladders... Call it what you will or title it something fun to make the fact that it's been a year since my homestudy was completed and I really felt like things were getting going in the adoption department... yet today... there has been no movement at all. I am at exactly the same place as I was a year ago. I sat with my social worker today to update my home study. I don't think she found it amusing when I told her that the only things that have changed in the past year is that Chuck is gone, I've planted a tree on my lawn and planted 150 bulbs in my garden but that I didn't think the Russians would find that noteworthy. My agency is re-doing my dossier to submit to Khabarovsk and told me that it will take 8 -10 weeks before it will be ready for submission. I'm waiting on clarification on exactly why it takes that long... my home study is already translated so that shouldn't take up time... they notarize my documents in house in a day... and then send things to be legalized etc. at the Russian embassy. Whatever. The net net is that with waiting for my addendum of nothingness will be sent out by the end of next week to the provincial government and await rubber stamping that what made me a fit applicant last year still stands for this year (probably another week) and then my agency can start putting together my new dossier (which they are charging me 2K to do)... So, with any luck, I MIGHT be registered in Khab by the middle of September. BUT... the good news is that the facilitators say that referrals are coming most often in a few months from registration... uh huh... I'd like some clarification on that to know just where that data comes from AND the fact remains that, from the middle of September "a few months" means I won't be traveling until 2010 to meet my little guy... with the Christmas shut down it will likely be February... Khab is known for difficult paperwork process with the judge and that it takes 2 -3 months for a court date... SOOOOO with that math, it looks like best case scenerio I could be home with my son next June... Wow... so much for Merry Christmas or Happy Easter... nice... but I guess it's better to know. The million dollar question is: when do you tie a knot in the end of the rope and hang on and when do you let go and grab onto a new rope???
In other news, 2 single gals brought home their children this week. I've shared their journeys to their families and am thrilled for them both and their new son and daughter! Congrats Iradia and Silvana and their babes Valeria Sophia and Aleksander!!! Welcome home!!!

My "adoption clock" is ticking

I had to say goodbye to my first real live in the flesh friend who successfully adopted from Russia the other day. Their little boy lay sleeping like an angel while we chatted about life, love and the pursuit of adoption happiness. They got caught in the re-accreditation mess and waited an eternity to go to their son and bring him home. I can't imagine how hard that must have been holding his beautiful picture and waiting for 5 or 6 months to travel on the first trip... but, like taking off a bad pair of shoes that have been killing you for blocks while they cut into your feet and give you painful blisters... when they are off... it's over. Being barefoot never felt so good... just like holding your child and rocking him to sleep will make this hard time vanish in a snuggle. So here is is... pretty much June 1st... 8 months have quietly passed in my wait. It's now been well over a year since I started with the journey and it's been over 10 years since adoption has been on my mind. Like my friend Courtney and I laughed about the other day... my adoption clock is ticking. My girlfriends and I joke about 'biological clocks' but for those of you who've never contemplated an adoption clock... it ticks EVERY bit as loud lol. So, in an effort to be a bit lighter than the grumpy, irritated, crusty, boob I've been lately around here, here's what I know in the "good" camp. Perm is rumored to have referrals coming - perhaps a couple for my agency. No indication whatsoever that they might be for me. In fact, I've been advised to update my now outdated home study so that I can be officially registered in Khabarovsk. The upside to Khab is this: there are many pages of boys in my age range on the photo listing page (with all the limitatons of the site duely noted). They look healthy (unlike many in Perm).
By virtue of the location (far East by Vladivostok), there are not many agencies that work there. In the Yahoo group, everyone talks about how caring and kind and well run the orphanages are. So with that update... lets leave this on some good news. I'm in the process of having my Home Study updated and then will go through the hoops of being registered in Khab... I don't know what that means in terms of wait... does the adoption clock get re-set to zero and I start out again? My family was here for a BBQ for my nephews high school graduation last week and someone asked how things were going... before I could answer, my mother in law answered, "He might be 25 by the time he gets to Canada..." Which everyone laughed at because someone quipped about mail order grooms in the background... very funny... very very funny.

So in the mean time, I dusted off his bedroom set that's been in my garage since last October, re-arranged some of his things stacked neatly in my basement and spent some time wondering just where in the great big ol' USSR you are??? For now, it's all good.

Did I choose the wrong Canadian Agency?

Well, another month has passed. It's now almost 7 that I've been waiting in Perm. That wait in and of itself would be OK if there were communications that indicated there is momentum and reason to be hopeful... but there is not. Since late December '08 they keep saying new regions are opening and families with dossiers registered in Perm will have the opportunity to move... well, I'm still waiting for them to call with any sort of specific news other than semi monthly generic updates that go out to all of their adoptive families. I know that the photo database is not a comprehensive nor accurate portrayal of children available for adoption but it has to be representative of a good proportion of boys there... and it is not pretty. The majority of the little guys in my age range (up to 4) have visible disabilities. My agency has facilitated probably only around 6 or 8 Russian adoptions in the last year - all but one from Vlad and only one from Perm. Meanwhile, I have consulted with the other agencies and they cite having been active in completing 30+ families in 8 months. I know it's a bit of a crap shoot depending on region but they work in busy ones... not like my guys. I am starting discussions on starting over with another agency. My requested child criteria are not difficult to fill and I can't help but wonder if going with an agency who has momentum and experience in their regions trumps the cash / time I've invested languishing in a dead region with the promise that they will be working in new ones "soon" where they have no more of an idea that it will be better than Perm or that their new facilitator will have any sort of relationshps to start from... Any thoughts or advice???

Empathy and Validation - beautiful words

I fired off a quick note on Friday to my SW to ask if families waiting in Perm were being advised of registration options in the new regions and I was surprised and really relieved at the response I got. Not really in terms of what I have as options (that is still TBD) but in the recognition of this statement, "To be honest, I am surprised given your age request it is taking as long as it is, but again...we cannot predict or control, all we can do is advocate for our families, which is exactly what we are doing." I exhaled... a big long sigh of relief. There are times I feel a bit judged in this journey when I tell people about being frustrated at the length of the wait so far and I get the reply of, "it's only been 6 months" which is true... only 6 months is short for those looking for "AYAP" or "AYAP / AHAP" or potentially the longest wait "healthy female under 12 mos". It felt like my feelings that I am asking for a boy - an "older" boy were being dismissed and lumped in with families waiting for healthy infant girls. Now I am certainly not suggesting that their waits are any different or any less torturous - just that the expectation was set up front that it would take longer. Friday night, my SW showed me the empathy and validation that I have been needing to make the wait bearable. I think I may have gotten my second wind.
So with that, we are now exploring new options: Saratov, Pskov, Tula and Khabarovsk. I have no idea what the merits of these region are or if I should simply ask to be registered in Vladivostok where there seems to be stable consistent referrals. Time will tell in the direction I go from here and it sort of feels like starting out from square one again with a whole new unknown region where I could sit and wait another 6 months... but if I do, that's another 6 months closer to my son than I am today... and I'm already a year closer to him than when I started this journey last year. So I'm hoping for advice and insight on what to do next? I've joined the yahoo groups and asked the question on line... no one seems to have heard of the smaller regions... I guess it's perspective really??? Scary and un-nerving or one heck of an adventure to my son? I'll take the adventure EVERY time. One foot in front of the other... one day closer to you xoxo.

Uncle... there I said it.

I give up all control... or perception that I ever had any in this process. Uncle. I give.
Last week I was told that St. Petes was open for my agency - final stages - rubber stamping and it would be active soon. This week... "Novosibirsk and St. Petersburg are not regions that are favourable for international adoption, so we have decided not to pursue these." I'm not exactly sure what that means given other agencies are successfully bringing children home from these regions... but the monthly update doesn't give details... just facts. More "facts" that I got in the email, "We are hopeful that proposals will be coming in the next few months from Perm and Nizhniy Novgorod, and have information from our facilitators in these regions indicating this. Please note that expected wait times continue to increase from time of dossier submission to Russia. It is now estimated over 12 months wait for a proposal any child under the age of 7 from the time your dossier is registered with the Ministry of Education in Russia." Which seems more like a "CYA" statement than anything to keep waiting families from freaking out over the wait since they have a handfull of families approaching the year long wait for INFANT GIRLS not a boy up to 4... but that doesn't seem to matter anymore... blanket statement of expect to wait a year or more which seems to indicate for me not to expect a referral in the aforementioned "referrals in the next few months". Did you hear the air whizz out of my balloon of hope? It did. Funny - I started out with a 4 - 6 month wait time line... I'm at 5 months and am now told 12+ months... I used to hope that I might travel before Christmas '08 on a first trip... then I started hoping he would be home for the warm summer... then I hoped he'd be home this fall for my birthday... now I wonder if I'll even travel before the end of '09. This is nuts. But I have no hand as Seinfeld would say... So what now? Besides banging my head on the wall, how do I make decisions for work (assignments / training etc. that would make me look foolish if I take on and then bail on), for vacation (I'm going to need a rubber room if I save my vacation until the end of the year in hope that I might travel in '09 but don't) and for life... It seems the only news I get from the agency is email updates increasing wait time and giving vague reference to someone might get a referral sometime in the distant future... and we might register a copy of your dossier in a new region but don't call us... we'll call you. I know nothing about the new region Khabarovsk except that it's far away from Moscow by Vladivostok. Still pouting... as the song goes, second verse, same as the first, a little bit louder and a little bit worse. But no one is listening... and my agency doesn't seem able to do anything about it even if they wanted to listen. Exploring the idea of seeing what other Canadian agencies are saying. One in particular has exceptional in country contacts... something I'm wondering if my agency is lacking.
Now just when it seems that I'm all doom and gloom... I get it. Somewhere deep in the frustration of it all I know that these delays and moments are built in to ensure that my son finds his way home to me... but like the 3 year old at the grocery store who's just been told he can't have the candy bar... BUT I WANT IT NOW!!! I've really come a long way since those cash line tantrums haven't I.

Saratov, Izhevsk, Penza, Novosibirsk, St. Petersburg or Perm?

I am begining to feel like my adoption journey mirrors the sound coming from my iPod FM tuner... sometimes it comes in clear and things sound good... turn a corner and - without warning or reason things go to static and there is nothing to do but wait out the annoying drone or change stations. Perm... a whole lot of static with no end in sight. No referrals for 5 1/2 months and folks actually getting a referrals (with other agencies) have questions on their health and are losing them to Russian families. Sounds like there will be nothing for a few more months at best. Next, the agency is opening up new regions... small ones... no news... no direction... only advice - best thing you can do is wait to read the monthly updates. Seriously? A phone call once and awhile would be nice just to keep in touch... but I guess it's a good thing I can read.

So, what do I do to kill time? Buy him 'stuff'. today, it was a chariot jogger / bike carrier. It's great and it was a good deal. I still feel crummy... I wish I had news. I'm pouting and frustrated (am I allowed to be frustrated yet??? It's only been just over 4 months but... I'm frustrated). I should probably stop reading the reports coming from other people who say the wait for an "older toddler" should be very short and that 4 months or the 9 that it could likely be doesn't make sense... but my money, my heart and my hopes are tied up waiting for news... So tonight, I'll head downstairs and fiddle with his new jogger and wonder again how long this will take. Is wanting some sort of news too much to ask?

BAHHHHHHH!!!!

Change could be in the air

Nothing stays the same except change... A wise piece of advice dolled out by someone likely far more patient than myself. While I have never professed to be patient, I am self declared resilient and resourceful. I feel like in order to find some sense of calm and direction, I NEED to research, discover, figure out and understand all angles of that which I seek to know (when possible... which I'm discovering in International Adoption is quite rare but I digress). I spoke to my SW yesterday and asked the hard questions from a document I titled, "Questions for 2009" - I had to explain to her that although it was a few pages long it was not indeed 2009 questions lol. The biggie was this: "is the summer the BEST I might hope for in terms of a referral?" Long........................ awkward.............................. pause........................perhaps a slight fumble for words................................ and "it could be Stacey... but I don't want to promise THAT and then not have something for you by then". WHAT!!! WOW... I choked back the disappointment and tears as I pondered a 10 or 11 or more month wait for a boy already sitting and just waiting to come home... a boy that nobody visits or wants or loves... Deep breath... I think I muddled through some ream of additional questions but the answer I didn't want to hear kept echoing in my head... the summer... maybe not even by then... you are first on the list for a single boy your age request.... HUH??? Not good enough. So, one of the questions I paid attention to the answer to was, "At what point does a change in region become warranted?" (this question is in light of the fact that the last agency news letter indicates that they will be opening St. Petersburg and Novosibirsk shortly). She told me that it is possible and likely that I could have my documents registered in a new region. She asked if I had a preference (bear in mind that all I could hear bouncing in my cranium was Dear God please don't make me wait until the summer...) so I answered "no... whatever you think is best"... then I promptly consulted with the regional expert... my Russian friend who will be traveling with me. She suggests registering in St. Petes (which in my heart is what I wanted but the words didn't come out right... part desperation, part stunned). So many things could go more easily there... Ole has friends, the city has so much to do and see, it is close to Moscow, Scott was there before we met - I could see the things he told me about and I might even have a place to stay without paying for a hotel. All this and given the size of the city, the baby homes seem to be well funded, staffed and repaired. There are hundreds of little boys born in 2005 and 2006 there... way more than Perm... and at least I remember reading that people are bringing home children from St. Petes which is more than I can say for Perm. So... time will tell but change is in the air... and, if I have to wait until the summer for a referral and travel when it is warm, I'd rather do that in St. Petes than Perm... but I'll go where my boy is. I just hope you hurry home.