Flights booked - birthday candles packed

I don't know who invited Debbie downer to the last few posts but I kicked her off the bus.  Yes there have been issues - major issues - things that will be discussed later but after bitching it out for a day or so and getting a going away evening with my hockey team, I feel better and a little more settled on moving forward.  So, flights are booked - just need to give the go ahead on payment and it's done.  And yes, BIRTHDAY CANDLES ARE PACKED... I've made arrangements to come in 2 days early so that I am there to celebrate that day with him... Just like I promised him :)  Funny thing, as much as I loathed the round the world adventure last trip, looks like I'm tee'd up for round two of the journey via Moscow.  Seoul / Tokyo were not options that worked at all.  Flights were around $4k each and connections via the milk run made my head spin.  So, gingerly, my travel agent suggested a muligan on my Christmas trip.  The difference this time, I've been there, it's not scary and even if I do miss a flight, it's ok we've built in a little extra time and I know where I'm going in the mean time.  Plus, KLM flights were really nice.  So, all said and done, I'm leaving May 19th at 6pm via Amsterdam then on to Moscow where I'll do the passport control scramble, dodge the customs officers and leap to the baggage claim to sprint to the other terminal and get checked in for my onward flight to Khabarovsk.  I'm tired just writing it.  At least it's not winter anymore so delays shouldn't be severe... but hey, maybe this time if I have to I'll try out the other airport hotel - maybe they have a better breakfast buffet?  Ole will come in for my court date - she arrives on May 31 at noon - court is June 1st at 11:30.  She will be with me for the rest of the trip.  It will be great to have her along for Moscow where we'll have a day to do some sight seeing... looks like I'll get that picture in front of St. Basils after all.  AND, just found out that I'll overlap with my new bloggie friend Steph who will be in Moscow long enough to share a starbucks coffee and hug - what a journey for us both.  We will all be coming home on a flight to touch down at 3:30 pm on June 24th.  Home forever.  Hope to see you at the airport (even though you will have to tell your boss you have a doctors appointment in order to skip out of work early)
So, in an effort not to make anyone cry this post (I was told last night that my friends now come armed with kleenex and that they have learned not to read it in public) I wanted to say thanks... thanks to the people who have reached out to me through this whole ditty and thanks to the friends who have donated so generously to Corbins orphanage.  We are getting really close to having FOUR THOUSAND DOLLARS!!!! to donate to them.  I am so greatful... but more so, thanks for the cards you sent with the donations and the kind things you said, thanks for sharing the email request at work in your team meetings, thanks for forwarding it on to others who just might need a reality check and to know how really good we have it, thanks to the friends who with hidden tears in their eyes have told me that what I'm doing makes a difference and that they are proud of me.  Now let me re phrase that: I don't think you should be proud of me - I wanted to be a Mama - full stop.  My son is along for the ride in that dream.  Selfishly, my dreams are shared by him in the opportunities that he will be afforded in life -but that doesn't make me a hero - I'm just selfish and want to be a mom like all the rest of you out there.  For me, what makes me happy is the fact that so many of you have told me that this process, the email, the stories, the pictures - you've told me that in one way or another you have been moved by it.  And in that interpretation of what MY journey means to you, good things are happening.  Donations have been made to my cause but more importantly, I think people have stopped to think about what THEIR cause is.  One of my very favorite quotes is

I don't care what you believe in, as long as you believe in something

So, with that, I am feeling pretty smug that in following my dream, my cause, I might just have inspired or reminded others to think about what they believe in. And that, is a good thing. (No tissue required ladies - this one's for you)

Court Date granted

My court date is June 1st.  Not when I expected, hoped or thought but it's June 1st.  I need to have 5 days of visits with Corbin before court so she wanted me to arrive on May 24th... the day after his birthday.  I have suggested that I arrive on the 22nd so that I can be with him for his birthday and I am working on flights.  I should be happier... and I am sure I will get there but... the other family who submitted documents to the judge a week after me was given a court date next week.  I know I couldn't have been there in time but I'm upset because she put their request first - she asked for first available for them even though my documents were submitted a week ahead.  I get that it's been tough for them and that they are in country already due to errors that were made along the way BUT I worked hard to avoid errors I went 100 extra miles... and she put them first.  She said the lawyer asked for a favor and the judge got mad so she couldn't ask for 2... so my court is in June... 4 weeks away.  I'll get to happy... I'll get past the part where I thought I could... I planned in my head... I checked the flights... to leave next week.  But not tonight.  Tonight I am angry that my facilitator acted unprofessionally and unethically and put another family first to cover her ass.  I had the picture of celebration all picked out for this post... instead, it will say it in words only... no picture because I can't find one to say I wish I felt this way but right now I feel let down.  June 1st... I should leave on May 20th. And that, I've waited a long time to say.

11 Long years

Yesterday - April 30th was 11 long years since our accident.  April 30th 12 years ago, Scott asked me to marry him.  Down on one knee in the red Utah dirt, he told me I am his best friend and that he wanted me to be his wife.  I, for the only time in my life, was speechless... I cried the biggest, happiest tears and he knew... but I didn't tell him for 4 days until he reminded me at the turn off for Vegas that I should probably make it official by saying yes... so I did.  11 years ago I went from having my heart race from finally being called Mrs and from the anticipation of what our lives would be like as we continued to grow together as a family to the devistation of starting over at 25 as a widow.  Who knows how to do that? Who knows how to say goodbye to their best friend, their husband and the father of the children we had all planned out while trying to say goodbye to your own childhood?  Nothing like a fat brick wall introduction to life isn't fair.  I struggled - I struggled hard - I'm not sure that anyone really knows how hard I struggled - I hid it well - kept a stiff upper lip and hid behind a persona of I'll be OK - it's what I do.  Saying goodbye to dreams, to a life, to your best friend, to my everything was devistating and has taken a long time to crawl back up from.  Time passes, people move on and forget.  Only a couple people even remembered or noted that yesterday was the hardest day of my life... followed by about 2 years of unbearable pain and muddling through the day to day.   At the very least, 2 years were a blurr... I don't remember how I made it through but I know I finished my degree, made the deans list, competed in triathlons, did the half iron man, raced, trained, swam (because you can't bawl under water), started a career, said goodby to Scott's company, clung to friends and family, and lived by the mantra, "remember to breathe" - I was numb... for a long long time. 
I still feel him with me - although not as often or perhaps as strong as I did before... but he's here.  I don't know how often I dream about him... but on the night of the 30th I did. Vivid and clear - he was with me for that night.  And when I remembered in the morning, I was glad... glad that he still is with me...
Scott was my best friend, my encouragement, the person I aspired most to be like.  He was smart, and funny, and honest, and kind not to mention tall dark and so very handsome.  He made me want to be a better person.  I loved the way he made me feel and how he did that for everyone in his own special way.  He had a knack of making people feel good about themselves and a knack for making them smile. 
I wanted what every wife wants - I wanted to grow old, I wanted quiet walks on the beach hand in hand, I wanted to raise a family, I wanted to celebrate life.  Oh how dreams change.  Now, as a result of changing the way dreams happen  but not the dreams themselves, I am bringing home an amazing little boy who I can't wait to be Mama to.  I will get to hold someones hand on a beach - it will just be smaller.  I will have a new life to celebrate and I'll see it through brand new excitement and little innocent eyes.  I will raise a family - I'll be raising a son.  Sometimes the dreams you think you lost, they just take awhile to take new form and maybe it takes awhile to recognize that they are the same dreams, just wrapped up a little different than you thought.  Sometimes, those dreams just take extra time to come into focus... sometimes it's just a long way home. 
11 years ago I lost my best friend, this year, I am so looking forward to reclaiming some of my dreams.  I'm looking forward to having a place to put my heart each day and night.  While I don't want my son to carry the burden of my happiness or of my saddness, I do want him to know that I have thought about him for 11 long years.  I remember being in Revelstoke looking for Chuck and announcing that maybe I'd had my one true love in life - maybe that would be all that I would get... and if that were the case, I'd still be a mom.  I'd adopt - and I'd have a family.  11 years ago, long before you were even a thought, I wished you into my life... and soon, here you will be.  Happiness shared is happiness doubled - I can't wait for icecream, and playgrounds, and play dates, and running through the sprinkler in the sun.  On a day that was so filled with dispair and tears, Corbin, you now give me the dream to look forward with fresh eyes of hope.  Meeting you has given me a reason to smile... and to love.  Baby boy, I can't wait to fill my time with happy gigles, laughter and so much love.  The best thing Scott taught me to do was love with my whole heart, ripped wide open ready to accept the most innocent, honest and amazing love... that's what Scott taught me... and I can't wait to give all of my heart and all of my soul to you.  Thank you Scott for teaching me to love in a way that I am looking forward to teaching a little boy who is so very deserving of it. I wish you could meet him... I wish he could meet you... somehow, I'm certain that you already have.  Thankyou for whatever hand you may have had in bringing Corbin into my life. 
I know that someday in heaven, we'll get that walk hand in hand on the sandy beach and maybe then, I'll understand.  For now, I'll just love, the way you taught me... I'll go on loving you and my son and whatever life may hold because loving you that way - even though I lost you... is the only way I know how to love. Thank you for that. Thank you for you. I miss you always and am thankful for my Ravens and the times I know you are near.  Stay with me Boo, I still like you being around.
Love always Kid.

The smallest things can feel so good in your hands

Yesterday I bought candles for Corbins' birthday cake.  One that has the number 3, some funky, cool, multicolored ones and some sparlkers too.  From there, I went to buy him a pass for the amusement park by my house.  I held off for so long because I was afraid that it would just hurt to have bought it and him not be here to use it (frugal I guess?).  For the very first time, his name is written (albeit in black marker in hand writing) on a card.  I stood there looking at it on the counter while the young boy finished up registering the cards and my eyes were stinging with happy tears.  The boy asked how old Corbin is, and I said he turns 3 very soon.  He smiled and said he'll have fun at the park... and I replied... you have no idea... you have no idea.

Change is GOOD donkey (in the wise words of Shrek)

Update: I won't try to figure out or comment on the following - I get more perplexed by the minute - but it's GOOD NEWS!!! 

Subject: About the court
Stacey!
"Your pre-trial is May 5th and a lady Judge comes back May 6th! This gives us a chance that your court will be appointed sooner than i thought last night!"

The other family who is currently in region for a gamut of other errors that were made causing delay also have been assigned the same pre trial date - the 5th.  "normally" (seriously - I haven't dropped that word from my vocabulary either??? Normal only exists as a setting on my dryer and I KNOW that!!!) court is set 2 weeks after pre trial so we are looking at about May 19th...
For those math geeks that love to count days on a calendar like I do and cross them off like you are 5 with the really important ones circled and highlighted... The one that flashes like Vegas on mine is May 23rd... Corbins 3rd birthday.  If everything goes as it looks like it could, I not only will be with him that day, there is a reasonable chance that I will actually have temporary custody of him on his birthday.  Oh that will be amazing... finally someone there to celebrate the day he was born... what a wonderful day! 
Things are looking up - WAY UP!!!

Angry emails, pointed requests and getting everyone on the same page

Well, a lot has been said and or accomplished in the last 12 hours.  Many emails have flown back and forth through cyber space to Russia.  Asking for clarification, demanding results, pointing out delays and errors, getting people involved... and there has been a little positive movement.  EDIT: isn't it funny how the trials of this process seem to suck the joyful moments flat??? I found myself re-reading this and thought wow... there wasn't even one bit of excitement or joy in the fact that I had news - good news - news of my pre trial being set... wow... this process really does suck the joy out of the journey.  Thank goodness for good red wine and great friends. I now return you to the regularly posted bulletin...

After emails pointing out delays and challenges on the Russian end of things, all of the sudden  I was notified that I have a pre trial date set.  Pre trial is being sat by THE MALE JUDGE May 5th.  My facilitator will not be there as she will be in Moscow to get travel documents for another family.  My case will be represented by the lawyer - which at this point I'm starting to think might actually be better.  HE will review my case and set a court date - not sure why he wouldn't just set the date like he has for so many years before?  I have been told that it will have to wait until the lady judge returns in June BUT that they will ask for it to be set as quickly as possible and that it COULD still happen.  Talk about limbo.  I could learn on May 5th that my court date is May 13th and I need to get on a plane immediately OR I could learn that it will be June 8th - the week after she gets back from her 6 weeks off....  I have learned that the Male judge is retiring.  I have learned that a family who (and I have all the empathy in the world for them - they have had a very difficult and delayed road) submitted their court documents a week after I did have been told that they WILL have their case heard by the Male judge in May... which would be before my case... which was submitted first.  Again, I have all the sympathy in the world for this family, but the suggestion that my facilitator holds no power of influence or persuasion in the setting of cases goes out the window with the suggestion that this family will be heard first.  I have made it clear that if I need to fly there tomorrow in order to be in front of the judge and have my case become a priority I will.  I have learned about a couple of cases in regions that have now closed to singles.  One woman was asked to go to Vegas for a quickie wedding so that she can bring her sons home - they will no longer complete adoptions for single moms.  Another case where a set court date for a single mom was cancelled and delayed by 5 weeks - both directly cited as a result of being single after the crack a doodle in the States.  I have made this very clear to my agency and in turn to my facilitator.  Delaying for 6 - 8 weeks for a total of 6 months between trips is NOT ACCEPTABLE (and yes, I used A LOT of CAPITALS and BOLDING in my emails to convey my current state of thought and urgency.  My agency is on my side and is trying to sort things out but for now, all I can do is sit and wait for the 5th to hear what happens with my trial date.  Just as someone already commented in the last post, the Male judge regularly has sat cases when the main judge isn't there and in many cases they are set very quickly... so please say a prayer, cross your fingers, send up smoke signals, do a rain dance... just put it out there that the jig is up - Mama can still get there by his birthday if I stand in front of the male judge... if I have to wait... I miss it by a long shot (which for the record, my facilitator so nicely pointed out that it's just another day for him, it's never been celebrated before, he doesn't know it's a big deal, it will be just another day for him so don't worry... he doesn't know the difference... GRRRRRRRRR (with lots of capitalization and bolding).  My agency is going to speak with her very soon here and will call me back... but, in all reality, there will be no news until next week. 
Hmmm find something positive to end on: Well, I - scratch that - WE have raised almost $3500 for the baby home.  I am so very overwhelmed and happy with the potential of what that can do for the children there.  When I get to a really cranky place over this latest development, I try and focus on how amazing it will be to video tape a thank you in Russian from the director so that I can sub title it and you can all hear in your own words what the donations mean to her and the children.  That is good... and I'll leave it there.

Angry and irrational

I decided to go private so that I can say exactly what I think about the process from here on out.  I received news from my facilitator today that casually informed me that the main judge who hears adoption cases in Khabarovsk is gone until May 28th.  It was sort of like - oh hey, by the way... all while trying to distract me with the "fact" that the judge can take up to 2 months to review my documents and set a trial date... this just simply buys time given that my documents have been there since April 15th and it is entirely possible that the judge won't even be contemplating setting pre trial until early June.  I am infuriated. There have been so many delays and concessions made due to the fact that my agency is new to the region and that the facilitator is a new facilitator... I'm done making concessions and I'm done allowing for excuses.  It is time to call a spade a spade and say that this process has been riddled with mistakes and delays that can quite simply be attributed to lack of professionalism, caring, and attention to detail.  I can't tell you how many errors I have caught in documentation or process.  For example why is it my job to follow up and check in and chase down why the DMP had not been to see Corbin after their Christmas break?  Finally after asking about 8x I was told that he made it there by January 26th... one can only wonder how long it would have taken for someone else to catch the mistake.  There are so many mistakes it would take all night to remember and log them.  I am so frustrated with this team of "professionals" that I pay to adovcate for me and my son.  So, what does this all mean?  I sent a 4 page long "snot-o-gram" to my agency DEMANDING that they do something to figure this mess out and I went so far as to suggest that I am happy to contact another facilitator who I have come to know in the region to complete the job that our facilitator is so obviously inept at doing. 
Net net... why am I losing my mind??? I will miss Mothers day, I will miss his birthday, I will miss the entire month of May and likely most of if not all of June before I am back to hug my son again.  6 months... I can not forgive this lack of attention to detail and complete disregard for the children left to wait for Mamas they are told haven't forgot them.  How do you spell hurt and abandonment to a child in an orphange who is being told that Mama is coming back??? Try 6 months... he doesn't think I'm coming back.  Hell I wouldn't.  Angry and Irrational... there's not enough red wine and tranquilizers to get me through the next 8 weeks.

This blows.

Private time

Hi to all readers - I am going to start collecting your emails to go private.  Email me at chuckstar454@hotmail.com and let me know you would like to follow along.  By making it private, I won't have to audit my thoughts and can post pictures without worrying that I've offended anyone or hurt my adoption.  Not positive when private day will be but hoping it's sooner rather than later.

P.S. in your email please let me know who you are and if we have connected through a comment or your blog.  I will need to have "talked" with you over time or commented on your blog... going private isn't really private if I don't know who I'm adding.  Hope that makes sense.  For anyone who has followed but that I've never "met" I will make it public after I am home and everyone can catch up. 
Thanks!

Hatin' the wait

Today is April 22... tomorrow it will be 4 months since I left to meet my son.  Updated documents have been with the judge for over a week now and still no news.  I was told that maybe I'd hear by the end of last week (came and went) then that I'd hear early this week (came and went) now... I just hope for news.  The estimate from the facilitator that pre trial could be April 30th is looking like a fantasy - I just would like some reality - some real news - I want a date. 
It's getting embarassing going into clinics that have bid me good luck and farewell... repeatedly... month after month... yet here I still am.  It's getting harder to grin and bear it and keep hoping for news.  I just want to get on with it.  The "what if" of not being there with him for his birthday are starting to creep in as a potential reality.  Add in a little PMS and it's good times at Chez Stacey.  Popcorn is a decent meal right???

Orphanage donation letter

I wanted to post to say thank you to anyone who received my letter in email or saw it on FaceBook and then came here to find the paypal button (which for the record is at the top right hand corner - it works... someone already tried it out!).  I didn't want to post the letter here as it talks directly about the BabyHome and the people there and to the Russians, this is a private matter and having my impressions plastered on the WWW for anyone to see could be interpreted differently than I mean for it to be.  I posted my email and FaceBook note less than 2 hours ago and I have already received 2 very generous donations.  I am moved by the generosity of both people and their families and the notes they sent along with their donation.  I can not imagine nor wait to see the look on the Directors face when I tell her that the people in Canada want to help her little home and the children.  I also thought of something that I can do to say thanks.  I will make sure that I print out a photo of the donation and send it along with a personal note for anyone who may want to post it in their place of work to illustrate the good will and way that the business or the individuals there chose to get involved.  I am already so moved by how you have supported me along the way and how you are chipping in now to help.  You are making a difference - I can promise you that.  You will see it in the eyes of the children and the Babushkas who lovingly care for them. 
From the bottom of my heart, thank you.  For anyone wanting to read the letter and donate, please contact me through my profile email address and I will send it along to you privately. 
Thankyou... from the bottom of my heart. 
Stacey & Corbin too...

EDIT: now that I'm private, here is the letter I sent:

The Difference

On December 27th, I took an audible deep breath before stepping inside the solitary cream-colored brick building that is home to 20 orphaned children under the age of 4 in Siberia. Before entering I looked at the playground. A swing hung broken, the wooden merry go round didn't look very merry and the fence is in need of repair. I turned away and climbed the three small steps to the vestibule inside the first set of heavy wooden double doors. It smelled like bleach and the halls echoed with the clicking of our patent black winter boots as we made our way into the heart of the orphanage. We passed a room filled with 14 cribs - it's where my son sleeps. One blanket each lay folded neatly at the foot of the crib. The 'groupa' room where the children spend the bulk of their time playing, eating and learning is across the hall. Tiny potties are lined up against the wall for communal use - they are industrial and worn - but clean. I watched them eat lunch where each child was dressed with a long bib to protect their thread bare, mis-matched, orphanage clothing. The bib itself is about as old as dirt and looks like it was issued right after WWII. I asked the facilitator about the tights and shorts... what gives? She told me it's a hang over from the Soviet Union. In short - she doesn't know. It's not normal here in Russia either... but it's the orphanage, it's the way it is. I remember the books they read looking tired, torn and worn, and that there weren't many toys but what they had was respected and cared for. This is what I expected... it's not summer camp in Canada. What the orphanage lacks in amenities, they make up for in the love of the caregivers.
What I didn't expect was this: I either carried with me or bought after arriving, medicine, children's vitamins, diaper cream, head circumference measuring tapes, thermometer, toothbrushes, shampoo, laundry soap, cookies, bananas and clothing. The way they were received would have made you think I had handed them a winning lottery ticket to the 6/49. The director thanked me heartily especially for the diaper cream, measuring tapes and thermometer... they have never had a thermometer. They asked if I could bring more next trip and I promised I would. And I will. This time, I will buy there what they need rather than lugging it thousands of miles in my suitcase. I am hoping that the labels that my facilitator wrote on in Cyrillic will be clear enough to have the baby Tylenol not gather dust on the shelf while babies run fevers that have gone unchecked until now.
After 2 paragraphs, I'm getting to what I'm asking. If your heart hurts just a little for the kids without moms and dads as you've tucked your child in and said a silent prayer for those who go without a goodnight kiss, if you consider for a moment that many of these children develop rickets because the food they eat is what we would consider 'left overs' comprised mostly of watered down potato stew, if you give pause for a moment the next time you are at the Starbucks drive through window as you order your Vente, extra hot, half sweet vanilla, extra foam, skinny latte for the 5th time this week... I'm asking that you help me donate to Corbin’s orphanage and send a little bit of hope and comfort to these children left behind that deserve so much more. They deserve a family and they deserve to be loved... but unfortunately, as the song says, money can't buy me love. (but it does buy a lot of medicine, vitamins and supplies). And finally, if I haven't laid the need on thick enough, I would also like to mention that I've bought more entertainment books than I can remember, sponsored skip-a-thons, Terry Fox runs, Spell-a-thons, hockey fund raisers, girl guide cookies and the list goes on so I feel like I have earned the right to be in the ask column this time around. This one really matters... it's for kids that have nothing - not those that "need" new uniforms. I have a blog where you can donate by clicking the paypal button at the tip right hand corner (My blog address is www.frogssnailsnpuppydogtails.blogspot.com) If you don't have a paypal account, I humbly provide my address: EDIT TO REMOVE  and will amalgamate all the donations and let you know before I leave what we collectively have raised to donate.
From my heart I thank you. I promise to bring pictures of what I can home for you. I will photograph the director receiving the supplies and anything else that will help to illustrate what we can help do. I am donating a significant amount to the baby home that by virtue of it's remote location and small size is overlooked by foreigners and local public. I am one of the very first to adopt a child from this destitute little town – they get by on Soviet scraps – we can do better.

“The difference between what we do and what we are capable of doing would suffice to solve most of the world's problems."

Mahatma Gandhi

Court dress... check.

Since there is very little left to get prepared for my departure, I decided to focus on what I would wear for court.  It's true, I could select from any number of perfectly appropriate suits or skirt suits in my closet or any number of the plethora of dresses but I wanted something special that will always be part of my memory from "THAT" day.  It occured to me that as a girl, we get dresses.  I got a dress for baptism, I got a new dress every Easter, I got a dress for graduation, and I got a beautiful gown for my wedding.  As girls, we celebrate monumenal occasions with a dress.  Today, I set out to find the right dress.  I wanted it to be formal enough and serious enough but comfortable, packable (read I hate to iron pretty much anything).  I wanted it to have at least a splash of color.  I found it and it's perfect.  Black and white with a cute flower ish print and a red belt.  Goes perfect with a black suit jacket and red shoes.  So now I'm set.  Ready for the pre trial date... c'mon court date. 
Not that I should speculate (I wish my speculating bone would die!!!) but I was likely the very last family in Khab this year.  After that, things were closed for 10 days for Christmas.  After that, a new director of the MOE took over meaning there were no referrals for a period of time (like a couple months)... SOOOO... since we took a little extra time to get things figured out, there is a reasonable chance that the judges schedule is looking pretty sparse these days and I could be back a little quicker than I think.  For now, I'll expect a little longer but hope for quick news. 
Mama wants to wear her new dress... Sorry fellas, a whole post on a dress and shoes???  I must be feeling better :)

Your Honor

When I stand in front of the Judge in Khabarovsk and she asks me questions about the little Russian adopted boy who was callously returned to Russia with a backpack and a note saying simply - please return - item not as described, I will say this:
Your honor, I want you to know how I feel about the woman who returned her adopted son to Russia alone with no more than a backpack and a note.  I believe that what this woman did should be punished both in the court of popular opinion and in the court of law. I believe this is a travesty of trust and of promise to Russia and more importantly to her son. I am embarassed as a woman who has chosen to be a single mother that someone else could become the poster child of American adoptive single moms for something so incredibly wrong. I am saddened that the hundreds if not thousands of single moms who have been amazing spokespersons for adoption and who are raising healthy, happy, well adjusted children are being overshadowed by this one ill-equipped womans actions. I hope that TN throws the book at her and lets Russia know that we do love and protect their children as they do their own and that this behavior is unacceptable on so many levels. I am embarassed as an individual, as a single mom and quite simply as a human being that someone could live with so little respect for another human life that they swore to love, honor and protect. While I did not enjoy the 29+ months required of me in waiting to bring my son home, I can assure you that I filled my time with researching and learning about children who come home after living in an institution.  While I can not profess to be an expert nor a perfect parent, I think that is just the perfect answer.  I know I will not have all the answers and I know I won't do everything right BUT I DO know that there are people out there who are better equipped to help me find the answers that I promised I will find for my son.  He is little and I am big.  I stand here today to promise that I will do right by him and stand true to my promise to always put his health and happiness first in finding solutions to even the questions he doesn't know how to ask.  Even when we have hard days, even if he doesn't like me very much some days, even if he gets mad and doesn't behave well some days, I promise to be his advocate, his protector and most of all the person who loves him the very most in this world.  My son is entiled to excellent heath care just as every citizen of Canada is entiltled to and I will move mountains to ensure that he has the best of care should that need arise.  And even when I'm tired and frustrated in life, I am surrounded by amazing people who I call friends who carry me forward when I can't seem to move on my own.  In my circle of friends there are Doctors, Psych Nurses, Lawyers, Police Officers, Child Psychologists, Speech pathologists, Physio Therapists, Dentists, Teachers, and so many other loving and kind people that I know I have a hundred ways to turn for help - I simply need to ask. 

Finally your honor, I don't ever quit. I have never walked away when things got tough - I find answers, I find people with answers and I find the strength and courage to continue fighting until I know I have done everything I can.   And yet, I have never had anything so precious and worthy of fighting for as a son before in my life.  I can only try and assure you with my words that I have lived a life of honor, integrity and compassion and will continue to do so where this child and his future are concerned.  I feel so very blessed to be able to be his mother and look very forward to proving that I am an excellent choice when I send you the post placement reports and photos of our new life.  Thank you for trusting me - I promise, I won't let you down.

Exhaling... Documents will make the deadline

This post is all good news.  My travel visa has arrived well ahead of being needed so I won't have to hug the FedEx guy (girl as it was last time lol) on my way out the door with my bags this time, my two sets of documents have been compiled and processed in Ottawa and now safely delivered to Vancouver to be hand carried over by Heather.  The judge should have them on her desk by no later than Wednesday.  From there it's time for pre trial and trial. 
I'll save details on the prior week... it gives me shivers to think of what they needed and the exhaustive ends that had to be gone to in order to get things done.  Suffice to say that I have plenty of angels in my world. For now, eye on the prize... eye on the prize. 
Final note: Through all of last week, there were Ravens.  Middle of downtown - traffic everywhere, noise, people... After a stop at the lawyers office, I got to my car which was parked under a tree and  I happened to look up.  There, quietly looking at me from the branches was my friend the black bird.  I snapped a picture on my cel phone and drove on to the next stop.  At the end of that day, I scrambled to FedEx and when I turned out from the drive, there was another one sitting quietly on the fence post directly in front of me.  A day or two later I arrived home after another mad scramble and re-do, I drove to a look out point near my house to try and find a moment to breathe. There, playing on the wind tunnels over the ski jumps, were 2 Ravens who stayed and entertained me for 10 minutes before flying off into the horizon.  This morning, as I sit on my couch looking out the back window and typing this post, 3 Black Birds flew through my yard and chased one another over the houses out back.  And I smiled.

Alternate post

In the vein of "build it and he will come" I wrote a celebratory post about how the judge approved my documents and set a pre trial date last weekend- but that didn't happen.  After writing this, I sadly will hit delete on those dreams in that post.  I got news (what now seems a lifetime ago and many miles of scrambling to say the least) on Tuesday morning that I would require more documents - not many (actually only 2 of the ones I prepared in advance) were needed but there were two of the additional ones that were a challenge (to say it lightly) to aquire.  Lost in translation is the polite way to say that what some people want doesn't exist in other worlds.  In Alberta, we have "land titles" not "deeds" which causes some confusion for people and my being widowed seems to have brought up some question as to my right to retain my last name.  Interesting and very stressful. 
The past 2 days have been nothing short of a mad dash and pulling out every contact, person of influence, friend, co-worker, person met in passing, professional afiliation... anyone who is or has been anyone to me was fair game over the last 48 or so hours.  I secured documents that I needed, I found ways to get to the ones that seemed impossible and most importantly, people who love me (or are at the very least quite nice to me) came through in a HUGE way.  I can never find the words to thank people who went beyond the "box" to do what needed to be done (you know who you are).  People who stepped in and got the job done because they are tired of seeing me wait, the people with tears in their eyes for me at the bank while they told me Rick was on a mad dash across town to get the manager to sign what I needed and met me on the road  the friends with amazing Lawyer titles (Cam and Sean) who offered services last minute some at no cost, Russian lawyers who advised and couriered documents to DFAIT for the second time, Cam who endured (I'm sure with rolling eyes - I could see them from here) the phone calls and ubundant emails to check, double check and see if things seemed OK (don't worry - there's more on Monday), Corrie who I don't even know that well who is sacrificing the first morning of her long weekend to drop documents in Ottawa for me, Heather who has unselfishly offered to carry documents to Russia to avoid another courier adventure, Jason and Craig and Chris who teamed up to get my document managed from point A to B without ever crossing paths with me, Ole for helping me with things that no one else could, Marie for coming early and staying late and for doing exactly what needed to be done in that moment, even to FedEx (who is now officially my favorite courrier - not that Puro has let me down but FedEx is consistent and has AMAZING customer service!!!)... I'm sure I've missed so many people but to all of you - I say Thanks.  I broke down just a little yesterday saying that for such a stressful crappy day that I wasn't sure if I'd get through, it felt amazing to be surrounded by people who stepped up and kept stepping up to help me - for no other reason than they said, "you'd do it for me and we want to see him home too". 
So, today, I'm exhausted and completely worn out.  But that's the game.  It's the way it's always been for me.  Leave it all on the field - no questions left to ask, no "I should have's or wishes"... exhaust myself, brush off  my hands at the end of regulation time and rest.  I'll have a couple weeks of rest now waiting to hear if the documents are acceptable.  I think they are... but I'm not the one who gets to think these days. 

Someone said to me yesterday that I should enjoy a hot bath and a couple of great glasses of wine tonight.  I responded, "I'm sleepy, sweaty, smelly, and sober... do I NEED to wait till TONIGHT???"  Well, it's officiallypast tonight and I'm spent.  Not sure that there will be anything much worth saying for awhile... time and hope and prayers.  On that note, I think I need more prayers... they didn't seem to work last round or perhaps were delivered by DHL and are just arriving now.

Serenity

All there is left to do now is Pray.  I am trying to remember that things were scary and stressful with the first trip.  Documents were late, couriers failed, flights were delayed, flights were missed, travel visa dates were wrong... and I made it.  I just hung on tightly, tried to remember to breathe... and I made it.  It's coming to that now too.  Still waiting to hear from the judge - do you need documents? Are you going to set a pre trial with the documents you have?  If she doesn't, I'll have 15 days to produce them on her desk - signed, sealed, delivered.  I'm afraid.  I'm very afraid that with this being Easter weekend we lose 2 business days of processing.  If these factor in, I have 13 days.  Please say a prayer... I'm gonna need them - all of them.

Serenity now... Serenity now... Serenity NOW. 

The good and the DHL (aka all sorts of words I shouldn't use)

The good: 

1. My agency has all of the documents requested by the lawyer that the judge *might* want or rather object to sitting on her desk ready to be couriered out to Ottawa for processing (this in total takes about 2 weeks from door to door in Russia... except if... well wait for that part in a minute).  There is still a *chance* that the judge may not need any revised documents and the lawyer is being overly cautious - I can hold out a little hope but prepare for the request and another 3 weeks of waiting before setting pre trial.
2. My invitation to travel for my visa came today and my friend who will be traveling with me and I can send our passports in on Monday to get our 90 day business visa processed
3. I figured out that my medicals actually don't expire until Tuesday or Wednesday NOT Sunday.  I had my 8 doctor medical done on the 30th of December so 3 months or 90 days... that's the 30th or Tuesday or Wednesday (by my estimation...)  My dossier has already been submitted to the judge though so my medicals are current... for a moment.  If the judge requires addendums to my dossier, we will have 15 days to produce the documents OR I will have to make a 3rd trip to have my medicals updated and have a court date set.  Pray DHL (they are the only ones who do international courier I guess???) finally gets it right... 3x a charm.  No time for errors or "mishandling" on this one. 

The not so good:

1. DHL (not unlike Aerofolt) is run by a bunch of monkeys or donkeys.  This is the second time that I have EVER used DHL (you may remember the fiasco of getting my travel visa for trip one???) and they have pulled a MAJOR boner on this one.  My revised application to court was to arrive on Wednesday so I tracked it Tuesday night.  Hmmmm where is "Karachi, PK"???  I plunked it into google and.... PAKISTAN!?!?  WTF?  Seriously??? Seems as though my documents have gone on a little field trip.  Turns out I'd have had better luck tying the package to a homing pigeon than sending it with DHL.  Their customer service SUCKS and I doubt anyone will really follow up on this dispite the fact that it could end up costing me another trip to Russia.  Some day I'll look back on this and laugh... a whole hearted laugh about the follies that it took to get things done but it's not funny now.  But wait, it gets even better.  From Pakistan, it gets routed to Dubai, then to Germany then to Moscow and finally, it will arrive tonight at 9:05 in Khabarovsk for delivery on Monday.  I have not been patient nor kind to the people at DHL and this is NOT the end of the complaint that I will make with them.  Full stop.  Rant over (or I could go on for pages).

Other than that, retail therapy still helps.  I bought the most amazing little cedar play house for the back yard for him yesterday from Costco (you have to get it in store - it's not on line).  It's fantastic - a little door, 2 sets of bay windows, a kitchen, doorbell, phone and a big open window with shutters and a bench outside so he can make me ice cream cones and serve me on the bench.  I like to pass on good buys to folks so this is fantastic. Not huge but solid wood and great construction for $279!!!  I also picked up a life jacket for him as I see some lake time in his future.  So, that's it... another week down.  3 months down... hopefully only one more to go.

My adoption groundhog saw his shadow

So tired of this.  I submitted my documents on Feb 5th... today I found out there are many errors that need to be corrected. These errors will likely cause a 5 week delay in having my court date set... I wasn't anticipating leaving for about 3 weeks at this point... Plus the 5 week delay - that means it could be 8 weeks before I'm back to get my son.  Isn't it 6 more weeks of winter when the damn rodent sees it's shadow???

I don't know how to find any motivation for work when I keep trying to check out and into the world of mommy.  I don't want to launch new drug indications, or patient programs, or phase 5 practice reflective trials... I want to wipe his nose and rock him to sleep.  I don't know how to do this anymore.  My tank of optimism is empty... all that's left is fumes.  I'm tired of trips down memory lane and being so optimistic that I make myself pukey... merry freaking sunshine is a liar. 

I also wish I could block specific IP addresses from visiting my blog.  You pretended to be nice before and now I see you visit still just to stalk what's going on - I wish you wouldn't bother to snoop -.  Yup. I'm grumpy. And likely will be for about 8 weeks.
My mom told me when I was little - if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.  I think I better be quiet for awhile... until I have something good to say. 
Ciao.
EDIT: To clarify - no no no... it's certainly not those who come to read, learn, support, laugh... it's not you at all.  I often read without posting so I don't mind that people do that as well.  My thoughts are to one specific lurker who chose to be very rude to me and was wrong about many of her accusations and thoughts but still stalks by to see what is going on... Just for clarification: my facilitator AND my agency have cautioned me about those people who contact their facilitator directly which supports my comment that it is frowned upon at best and at worst illegal for direct contact no matter who initiates it.  Other regions at other times may have allowed this to happen but I did not make it up and am not being lied to - it is not condoned to be in direct contact.  Is it done? Absolutely.  Should you shout it from the roof tops - no... use your inside voice.  On another issue, I spoke to other families in Khab about the cost of their drivers and it ranged from $150 / day for translator/driver team with a minimum of 10 days, to $90, to $70 to $10 / hour... so we are NOT being robbed by some family organized mafia. Hope that clears the air.

From the mouths of babes

I spent the day with my twin 7 year old nieces today.  And these are some of the moments that made me smile... wish... and want even more that Corbin comes home soon:

Sonia: "Wow... I wish I had a room like THIS!  He's gonna' be happy here.  He's lucky he gets you for his Mom. You are going to be a good Mom I just know it."
Olivia: "Hmmm... I think it's good that Corbins room is right next to yours.  That way when he gets scared or has a bad dream you can just get into bed with him so he isn't afraid". 
Sonia & Olivia: WOW!!! This is the best park EVER!!!  Corbin is so lucky - you guys can come here EVERY day!" 
And the funniest one right at the end of our day: You are going to be the best Mom... I wish you were our Mom... except we love our Mom too.  (To which I pointed out that their Mom is my sister and from how I see it, she's a pretty amazing Mom herself ).  They told me yeah - they would keep her too but I could come and be their Mom when she is busy."  OK I guess that makes up for the fact that I'm chopped liver to my dog when my sister is around.  I think Lyric has a girl crush on my sister :)

P.S. you should see the hockey picture in his room... it's AMAZING!!!  His room is now FULLY complete - Just the book shelf and mirror need to be anchored to the wall and voila... no more room for improvements.  I couldn't be happier with how it turned out.

EDIT: Things I can't wait to see (and hear) again

I spent some time this morning watching videos.  They are glorious snipits of rushed memories that I can't wait to get back to and build millions more of.  It does my heart good to see his sweet, happy, smiling, curious face... and selfishly, it just feels good to see me close to him.  I watch the videos like I'm a CSI investigator - watching for habits, funny nuances and moments that make me melt.  I noticed that when he's nervous he puts one little finger into the corner of his mouth, I noticed that when he's trying really hard at something he will sometimes stick his tongue out, I noticed that when he's being shy he tries to distract people by pointing away from himself and trying to show you something else interesting "outside" or "over there" and best of all, I noticed the range of the sweet little smile to full on beaming when he accomplishes something new and you tell him "mal-a-dyets! - Ti Omni Malchik!".  We were talking last night about boys and how there is something about being a boy that makes them almost born making the sound of a motor and loving dinky cars.  I smiled in agreement.  For a little guy who has likely never been in a car and never petted a dog, he is CRAZY for "machena" and "sabaka"... how does that happen? I guess my job isn't to figure that out, it's just to have plenty of cars and a dog for him to love.
EDIT: sort of like going to the grocery store, ending up at the cashier with a basket full of groceries and remembering that you actually came for milk... but it's not in the basket??? Well, I forgot what made me want to write this post to begin with.  There was one video I watched over and over today... and over... and over (or at least the one 10 second piece of it).  My facilitator is videotaping us sitting on the floor looking at the photo album I had made to leave with him.  I couldn't remember how to say, "this is your room" so she was happily filming and filling in the blanks.  He was identifying some things from the book like "Sabaka" while he happily pointed at the picture of Lyric, and to the nurse at one of the clinics I call on who happens to be in a picture with me and everyone has identified to him as "Eta Tvya Bah-booshka" (or this is your Grandma).  I bit my tongue and made a mental note to correct that later... But the best part of all is where my facilitator asks him "Schto eta?" and points at a picture of me... He smiles, points and says, "Mama"...  I can't wait to hear that again and again and again.
Mama.  Sweetest word he said... Mama.

Whack-A-Mole

Whack-A-Mole.  It's no longer just the game I used to play at the fairgrounds because it was the only one I could win a prize at, it's now become my analogy for the adoption process.  Just the same as the game where you stand poised with your malliot over the holey landscape, from the moment the phone rings with news of your referral you stand positioned, pen in one hand, phone in the other, courier account number clutched somewhere inbetween ready to pounce on the newest ultra urgent request.  For almost 2 years I meandered through the landscape of doddling document accumulation but when that phone call came, the landslide of urgency began.  Just like Whack-A-Mole, I pounce on the item that pops up - because I know it will and I know I am ready.  When I think about it, I guess that's why it's so hard to get excited about "stuff" that is happening outside of the popping moles and timer counting down.  At the fair, no matter how big the crowd is as the strong man hammer game next door or how many bells go off at the horse race game just behind you, the focus is on that next mole... and on how much time is left... and how many more little prizes you need before you can trade up to the really big teddy you have your eye on.  Well, I'm almost ready to trade up to the prize I've worked so hard for - my court dossier was submitted on the 18th to the Judge and the corrected application will arrive to her mid next week.  My invitation to travel should get here Monday and I will have my Visa hopefully by the following week.  Another court date has been set for a family in Khab - 2 weeks after the judge accepts documents is pre trial, one week after that is trial.  So, IF the judge doesn't need more documents after next week, she could set pre trial for 2 - 3 weeks after that and trail one week after that.  Soooo... in the dare to dream catagory, it could be court date in a month with me traveling back a few days before that to see Corbin at the baby home.  I can't wait.  One more Whack-A-Mole down.

In other updates, it seems as though I may have to stay in Komsomolsk for my 10 day wait.  The SW is new and may not allow us to head back into Khab.  I was discussing the logistics of the trip with my girlfriends last night and how the stay in Koms would cost 2 hotel rooms, food for both of us, transportation back and forth to the baby home outside of the city... to the grand total of about $325 a day... 10 days... YIKES!!! My girlfriends and I were discussing a camping trip this summer and Kim suggested an option that might just be a winner.  She said why don't you pack the tent, a camp stove, a laundry line and sleeping bag and just camp outside the baby home?  You can make smores for the kids, sing camp songs, play the guitar... We howled at the prospect of this... I can just imagine the AP playing little house on the prarie, waving from the field outside... and I can imagine my facilitator along for the ride NOT!!!  OK it was probably funnier after a few glasses of wine but we thought it was amusing. 

Other than that, not much news from this side of the pond.  I appreciate the comments, emails and calls, and yes, of course I'll let you know when our flight touches down.  It's sort of like the final mole... coming down the escalator at the airport and seeing you all there - the journey ends and our lives together at home begin.  Ah... that will be one great mole!