I am learning to maybe keep my hopes under wraps until I know for sure but after consult last night with one of the most respected International Adoption physicians my fears were confirmed. Dr. Bledsoe’s opening comment (loaded with the most kind and caring delivery based on heartfelt understanding of the weight and situation) was that, “I am so very very worried about this little boy”. She reviewed mostly his growth charts and told me that they become worried when a child is more than 3 standard deviations from the norm. My babies very best measurements were 3.5 SD from norm and his worst were 4+. She also reviewed the markers for FAS features and while he is adorable he displays features that she considered stereotypical (especially his eyebrows). Her very strong recommendation was to not proceed with going to meet baby R and to wait for a more healthy referral. She told me that there is a 50% + chance that he will not have the capacity to live independently and be severely academically and life challenged. At 19 months he is the size of an average 9 month old child and stopping just short of begging me not to move forward with this referral she offered to do a pre consult for my next referral.

So… I've sat here and had a big old fashioned cry… a cry for a beautiful little boy who I very much wanted to bring home and love back to health and a little boy who will always stay in my heart. In just over 24 hours, I fell in love with his sweet face and somehow was even looking forward to changing diapers… I’ve learned to be patient and rational… even in affairs of the heart. I have the support of my agency in making the right decision for me and they told me that it will not be looked upon negatively by them or the Ministry of Education in Russia as they move forward to find me a healthy little boy. I’ll be fine… my heart breaks for this little boy that I’ll forever wonder if I did the right thing and pray that he will find a family to love him and help him with all of the things his broken little life will need.

I wanted to let you all know now before I had to say it out loud if you called… I sent the email to my SW and she compassionately understood the challenges associated with raising a special needs child as a single mom by choice and told me to take the time to grieve this loss and she'll call me on Thursday. Thanks so very much to everyone for your support, comments, emails and excitement - it's a hard balance. I prematurely shared my excitement and was given the gift of your friendship and celebration and now, although there are big parts of me that wish I could put a lid on my emotions until things are sure... I need you guys now more than before to lean on. So, I guess in the end, it was OK... I got to be deliriously happy if only for a short while. The crashing hurts though... beware of the landing.

I used to like roller coasters.

:-( Love the IA doctor... not the message

Will update more when I get my head wrapped around everything... but the news isn't good.
What a roller coaster...
Stacey

REFERRAL!!!

Well I guess that's exactly what "soon" means!!! I got up early today and headed to a meeting at the hospital. On the way there I realized that my cel phone only had one bar of power left. I made a mental note that I NEEDED to go home to grab my charger. After I did I headed on my work day. I got out of a big clinic building where I had spent about an hour to see that I had missed 6 calls... and in that moment... about 20 heart beats. I checked my call history and saw a "780" number which is where I expected a call from the provincial government. It took forever to get through the messages and to the one I was waiting for... THE CALL!!! My sister came to be with me as we sat outside of Starbucks and read the email together, took a big deep breath and opened the pictures... WHEW!!!

Skip to the juicy part: Boy: 19 months old, 15.5 lbs, beautiful big dark eyes and brown hair, walking, cruising, babbling, says "mama" "a man" "give me", likes musical toys, plays shy when someone talks sweetly to him by hiding his face, eats and sleeps well, no major scary medical diagnosies (that I know of yet). They don't know how long he's been in the baby home nor what his exact birthday is but when I looked at the photo listing I found a picture of him as a TINY baby so I'm assuming he's been there from the start. I have put the call in to have him reviewed by an IA doctor and the only thing of concern for me right now is that he is such a little peanut. He was born 4 weeks early so I'll subtract a month off of "his real age" for that and if he's been in the baby home for 19 months and "they say" that there is an expected delay of 1 month for every 3 in the home that could account for another 6 really??? So... is he really that small for his "age"??? time will tell.

What does my gut say? He's just little. I am praying that he'll be fine... just needs lots of love and high fat foods!!! He is beautiful to me - he looks proportionate and strong... just little... and beautiful... and like he'd like to be my son.

What else can I say??? I'm exhausted but not to tired for a great big
WHOO HOO!!!!
Thanks to Darla and Carala for coming over to celebrate my joy and excitement! Thanks to everyone who's called and emailed and cried with me. I can't wait to meet him and be able to officially introduce him... This feels amazing :)

Wild Wild Roller Coaster Ride

Everybody get ready to board the roller coaster with me... Put your seat belts on, remove all loose objects from your pockets (except wallets and large unmarked bills - if they fall I'll have my people collect them on the ground :) and put your hands way up with your fingers crossed in the air.
What a change a week and a melt down can make. I'll skip the details in between where we clarified some details and get right to the juicy excerpt from an email from my SW this evening, " just received confirmation from our facilitator in Khabarovsk that we will continue to offer proposals, as she is confident we will be able to meet court requirements. Another Canadian agency works in Khab and is able to get through court, so I am confident we can do the same. So, we have decided not to withhold or delay any proposals from the region.
Good news for you...who I do expect may receive a proposal soon...stay tuned! Have a great night!"
Now I don't know what "soon" means exactly but my agency doesn't say "soon" unless they know something we don't and have reason to believe that there is a happy phone call in my foreseeable future. Wow... this could all become very very real very very soon. Wow. Fingers crossed for a happy, healthy cutie who wants nothing more than to come home to Canada with his mama (but he just doesn't know it yet). Will certainly be posting updates as they come - praying for everything to be wonderful!
YIKES!

Bah Humbug

So, would you like the good news or the bad news first? Well - you don't REALLY get to vote so, let's start with the good news. There have been 2 referrals for families in Khab. Actually, let me re-phrase that - for one family REGISTERED in Khab and another who were registered in another region and brought in for a referral of an infant girl. On the surface, it shouldn't matter that the family was pulled in from another region (no one in Khab was waiting for an infant girl) but in the end, it does affect me - which leads to the bad news. I spoke to the program assistant today at my agency and she told me that, "we will not be doing any new referrals until court is granted for the families who already have accepted matches". Now given those of you who have contacted me with info on Khab, my understanding is that time from 1st to 2nd trip is pretty standardly 4 months... which means that even if they allow a match after getting only one court date, that will already be into 2010. I spent the afternoon mulling this over and working my way through the reality of Christmas with months potentially still to wait. It's been a teary afternoon 'round here. I'm all out of ideas on how to manage the wait. I'd love to take a big beach vacation with all inclusive umbrella drinks (and lots of them) but I don't have anyone to go with... Someone suggested that perhaps changing my age range to 24 - 48 years might help. I guess then I might have someone to go on vacation with.
Bah humbug.

Snow, Soccer, Silence and a birthday wish?

It's been a whril wind of activity around here lately. Soccer wrapped up in a snowy weekend competition at Nationals over Thanksgiving in Edmonton. My team seems to be a bit of a dynasty at this point having won 4 Provincial championships in a row and Nationals last year... but this year it was not to be. We went into the gold medal game heavily favored and by all acounts dominated regulation time but just couldn't finish. They were the sort of team that had lots of heart but little talent other than getting in the way and breaking up plays... which was sadly effective. We finished off at 0-0 and went into PK's where we lost... not only the snow and wind giving sometimes -15 temperatures left us feeling a little numb... that is life. I was then welcomed home to shoveling my driveway twice and installing winter tires which made me grumpy. I did however manage to spend some time with friends off the pitch and weaseled a turkey dinner and laundry which was so so nice! Back home on the range, indoor soccer fires up shortly and I have to balance that with my budding hockey career. This is season number three and I'm still having a blast!!! On the adoption front, we have heard nothing. I've been in touch with the other families waiting in Khab with my agency and they have been told that they are still expecting 2 referrals "shortly" and they don't know what the delay is (they thought they would come 2 weeks ago so they don't know if the children released from the DB did not meet our families requirements, had health issues or were simply not released yet). Anyway, I'm still hoping one of them is for me... time will tell. Since my birthday is at the end of the month, wouldn't that make a wonderful gift??? I think so. So cross your fingers that I'll have good news soon!

In a side note, I wanted to say that a blogger friend has had some very sad news in her quest to bring home her little girl. It is so hard to read the journal of her time in Pakistan with her "sweet pea" and knowing that at the 11th hour things fell apart and she came home without her tiny beautiful daughter. I can't imagine her pain and grief right now so... if you are the praying kind, I know there is a Mama out there who could use a little help and a big fat miracle.

P.S. the snow has now melted and I'm going for a hike in the mountains today because it is beautiful out :)

You know it's been longer than usual when...

So I looked at my countdown timeline ticker thing and it said that I applied for adoption today... which is funny. I tried to edit it to reflect the fact that it's officially a year today that I've been waiting for a referral from Perm and it won't put that it's been a year and a day... it just says that I applied today. So I changed it - I like this one better anyway :) BUT - let's wipe the slate clean - start over in a new region without the weight and wait of the old. Out with the old and in with the new!!! It's day one and things are gonna happen - change is in the air! My agency thinks that there will be a couple referrals and I think it's preemptive to hope that one might be mine... but stranger things have happened :) I'll take him at Christmas... or a birthday gift (end of October) would be great too. Fortune cookie said Christmas and I'll believe in almost any sign these days lol...