Monday, July 9, 2012

Sometimes the world stops... Just for a second

On Thursday I loaded Corbin up with his twin cousins for a road trip to Grandmas house. They giggled and chattered the whole two hours and excitedly bailed like tornadoes into Grandmas house where I got placated with a kiss and lingering hug goodbye. I whispered to him, "I'm going to miss you like crazy!" he pulled back, cocked his head to the side and asked,"why Mom? I will always come home you know?" (I tell him this when I go away)I guess I didn't look convinced so he added, "if it will make you feel better, you can sleep with my lion, he will help I promise." last year I didn't think either of us were ready for him to be away for 4 days... This year it was like he was born for sleepovers. In that moment, as I drove away, time stood still just a minute. Click. A photo in my memory. He's growing up and growing so confident. I headed back for the 2 hour drive home contemplating how I would spend my time alone. Weird. However, my meandering thoughts were rudely interrupted by a misguided deer that thought playing frogger with a minivan in the dark was a good idea. Again, time stood still. The accident itself was scary but not terrifying. It sucked - my neck hurts a bit, van is written off (hooray!), and the next 24 hrs were inconvenient, but time stood still in the recognition of "what if"? What if I swerved and crashed? What if I were hurt? What if I... I can't even think about that... About my boy. That is what was the worst part. Time stopped as I caught my breath and thought about what if? Being here alone was strange and quiet and lonely. I did miss him like crazy (although I tested the theory that after you have kids you can't sleep in anymore - happily, I report that for me, it's not true!) he came home rarin' to go to pedal heads bike camp for kids. I came home tonight to excited tales of the day and 3 hot, sweaty, beet red boys in the bouncy house in the back yard. Just now I went into his room to kiss his sleepy head goodnight and as I snuggled beside him, time stood still. With his head cradled in my hand, I looked up at the pictures on the wall from my first trip. He was so small - not much more than a baby. His tiny body has grown strong and tall and that tiny blonde head that I cradled in the palm of my hand that Christmas not long ago is now filled with stories and adventures of a young boy - no longer the baby back then. As I kissed him softly and whispered,"I love you little man." I wondered if he ever thought he'd hear those words so often? They feel so good to say... And they are amazing to hear. Time stood still. Ya Tibya Loo Bloo.

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Birth family search

What did they look like? Is he tall? Who do I look like? Will I go bald? There will be questions, of this I am certain. Corbin lived in the detsky Dom from 19 months to 3 years old and most people assume that children or people in general have no memories of being an infant. With my son as exhibit A, I can tell you that for us it is not true. There are memories. There are questions. There is hurt. There is sadness. There are happy moments. There is fear. Because he was from such a small village, there were also a lot of answers. The director at the baby home knew the family from when BM was a child. Anecdotally, I had many gaps filled in but for me, I felt like I owed my boy more. As his mom, I needed to anticipate the "what if" and go in search of the answers he may or may not choose to ask at any time in the future. Russia gave him roots and now it's my job to strengthen his wings so he might fly high in confidence and freedom. The topic of a search came up on trip two when I learned that my host who I stayed with was active as the on ground searcher for Mary Kirkpatrick. She told me about the heart wrenching stories of rejection and despair and that most searches don't provide much meaningful information. Even with that knowledge I asked her to pursue the search. Using my court documents as a guide, Anna located information that would lead her to the BF, maternal grandmother, Maternal uncle/aunt/cousins and another important family member. After the search was complete I settled in to digest and organize my thoughts on the information. There was certainly the bad and ugly - I expected that and it coincides with Corbin's memories. But, there is also an overwhelming amount of good, happy, loving, family ties that were flushed out too along with doors left open for future communication. I now have a file of photos and the answer to am I going to be tall or am I going to go bald? His roots aren't all bad. I've figured out how to manage the information and know it is his should he ask. I feel good about closing this chapter and have resumed grooming his tiny 5 year old wings. In the end, I'm really happy I did it. I didn't use Mary Kirkpatrick or Illich But both have an excellent reputation in the field. Buddy, you look JUST like your uncle who is strong and proud and loving and honorable. They are happy you are loved. There are people in Russia who are happy you are home.